Tuesday, December 17, 2013
You are good when there's nothing good in me You are Love on display for all to see You are Light when the darkness closes in You are Hope You have covered all my sin You are Peace when my fear is crippling You are True even in my wandering You are Joy You're the reason that I sing You are Life In You death has lost its sting I'm running to Your arms I'm running to Your arms The riches of Your love will always be enough Nothing compares to Your embrace Light of the world Forever Reign --from"Forever Reign" I may have jumbled the words and I may have gotten them all wrong but tonight, I figure it doesn't matter. I'm all out of reasons to worry what y'all think of me! I wanted someone else to fill the gaping hole in my heart. I wanted God to fill it but didn't see how protective I was of it. I hoped He'd break through what I put before Him, but He can't do what I'm preventing. Actually He can but He won't is more like it. I wanted someone I could see and touch to restore my faith and hope. I wanted something permanent and predictable. I felt like I needed proof. And I felt like it didn't show up. I almost lost hope that it ever would. I felt hopeless and tired and forgotten, even by people who had good intentions to help. I felt betrayed and blamed for what happened, by people who matter to me. I felt frazzled and weak. I begged Him every night to come back before morning. I couldn't face more of the wandering, searching for the solution. I was worn smooth out. I used up all of my reasoning and all of my logical self, (which, let's be honest, isn't a whole lot of me.) I buried my head and sobbed. Night after night begging Him to release me from the burden of what I was facing. The undeniable calling on my life to use this for His glory instead of a self-pity party of great proportions. I finally looked up and said, "Enough." This got me to where I am today. Still a mess. Still in need of restoration and renewal. Still in need of Him. I've said it a million times before here--and in my daily life--He came to save the world. We celebrate Jesus and happily welcome Him during this season, even people who otherwise think they don't need His help. Uh, maybe that's me lately? Could it be? I'll admit it, yeah that's me. I can forgive a million betrayals with Him at my side. Trusting Him to catch me, to bind up my wounds, gives me the chance to let other people in. It's hard. It's painful and scary and uncertain. It's also exhilarating and exciting and well, LIVING. No guarantees except that He's gonna be standing with me, picking me back up when I'm throwing in the towel. Again. And again. I really don't get how it all works and I don't have to. I just know it's as true for me as it is for everyone who needs to know they're not alone. We aren't. We never have been. He is there. He is here.