Flashback Friday

They've grown and learned. They've changed. So have I. Looking back through pictures and blog posts I can see the progress. We went from, "How will life go on?" to, "One day at a time," and now we are settling into, "We are here, we are hopeful, and this life can be joyful so let's live it."

Slowly moving from death to life, day by day. Even more slowly saying goodbye and freeing our hearts from the pain and despair. Even still more slowly accepting what happened and forgiving him. Trusting and hoping--no BELIEVING-- that God is redeeming this season for good.

Sean's sister Amy is very sick and we aren't sure what is causing her pain. She has been in the hospital since Monday and has not gotten any better. Doctors think it may be a virus that has wrecked her body so they are treating her and we hope that she starts to improve today. Will you pray for her with me? This family has seen healing this year but all are worried and weary. Thanks y'all.

The trouble with barking

When it comes from your 3 year-old instead of a dog or a seal.

Croup, welcome to the party. It was only a matter of time. Please only hit one at a time and if you're feeling gracious, just move on. My girl needs to feel better. Momma needs sleep.

I went to the dentist today for the first time in...uh...that's the problem...and I have 3 cavities. Dang bubble gum.

I still drive an hour to go to the dentist. And the pediatrician. I go there tomorrow.

I know, I know. I have breakup issues. But I love them. There is history there and if you haven't noticed, I love the comfort of history.

Ty thinks that being 6 means he can do his own thing. I've told him that if he can feed, dress, drive, and discipline himself that yes, he can in fact move his drums into his room so he can play them to help him fall asleep. Until then they stay put, tucked into another room.

I've decorated for Fall and Halloween. No comments. If I have a bad day I might decorate for Christmas.

I did the exact opposite of what you're supposed to do and abruptly stopped taking my anxiety pill about two months ago. I told my inner circle to tell me if they thought I needed it again and this weekend--in a matter of 2 days--it was clear that it wasn't time to get off of it yet. We have had a couple of challenging weeks around here. Spiritually we are in a battle, (we always are,) but this one is specific to my anxieties. This weekend I hit my wall. Fear came in. I felt small. Loneliness overwhelmed me.

The magical thing about admitting that you feel lonely is that while admitting it the feeling shrinks. After all, once you confide in someone about it, you feel understood. Less lonely. So I bounced back. Actually, I got back into my place.

God stepped in, back to where He belongs: the One telling me which step to take next. Not thinking too far in advance, just for today. And today, we are gonna be alright.

Flashback Friday

Since Ty was about 2 he has gone to the Home Depot kid workshop the first Saturday of every month. Usually just the two boys went but sometimes I wanted to go too I mean the girls wanted to go too.

This was one of those times. Even if I hadn't taken this picture I had the presence of mind to save this scene in my memory. Home Depot was Sean's happy place. Sometimes he'd go all the way there to buy stuff I know good and well he could've gotten at Target. When things were looking rough at Delta we talked about him getting a job at Home Depot, which I think he would have liked. He loved actually flying but hated everything else about his job, but the main thing he hated was being gone for four days a week.

Now I can see how that work schedule prepared me to be a single mom. I was used to doing it on my own a few days at a time. Four days of cereal or sandwiches for dinner, four days of wishing I had someone to talk to after bad dreams, four days of solitude...minus the circus of course.

The solitude isn't a bad thing, not always. I love being by myself sometimes. I've always liked going to movies by myself and walking around new places by myself. This phase is not as scary as I thought it'd be.

Thankfully Ty has gotten to go to the workshop since we moved back here, and the great part about a small town is that it's not very crowded. Dad has taken him, (because Ty says when you go to Home Depot it's "man stuff.")

Wonder who taught him that?

:)

Strike a pose

All was well during the walk to ballet. It was a beautiful day and the girls loved strolling around downtown. Life unplanned, unposed.

Until she noticed.

She saw me with my camera (phone)

It all changed.

Who me? Oh yes you're taking my picture?

Ahem.

I love being a mom.

How hard can it be?

So this is my new inspiration for my kitchen.

Cabinets painted/distressed-check

Everything else-working on it.

Stay tuned.

Good morning

Yesterday I admitted some struggles to mom. They have been only mine to carry, only my burden. And they have weighed on me and robbed me of the hope that has kept me going. Once I told her about them I felt like I could beat them. Challenges related to how I spend money, how I look, and how I feel about how I look had me trapped. And life is too precious to feel trapped.

Admitting stuff like this is freeing, and telling satan "NO" gives God the room to work. Just what He's trying to work on I'm not sure but apparently it's related to feeling worth in the midst of rejection. I have such a burden to share everything that I'm learning since almost every woman has gone through some sort of body image stuff.

I'm writing this from my kitchen table, where I just ate breakfast with my girls. They are learning about worth from me, it's just how it works right now. I relied on Sean to compliment them, (uhh and maybe me,) but I can teach them about true beauty and their worth. Sometimes I think, "How will I fill that role, how can I learn the things he did, and for the love of all that is good and right how do you put training wheels on bikes?" Yes, some things a man just inherently knows it seems! But I can learn more about my own worth in God's eyes and teach them what I learn. That I can do. Training wheels, well, I have Dad and some friends' husbands who can help with the man stuff. That reminds me I've gotta take my car to the shop to get fixed. I'm super excited about that.

What is it we used to say when we were little? In opposite world? Yep that's it.

You're welcome.

6

Master Ty turned 6 on Friday and he (finally) enjoyed himself at a birthday party! Since his first party all I've had are bewildered looks from him in pictures. This year was like a different kid. I'm so thankful that he enjoyed his cousins and buddies at his party.

His favorites at 6 years old: drums, drummers, drum sticks, drumming games, videos, toys. He also likes drums.

And he told me late on the night before his birthday that he really wants to be in the church choir when he turns 6. Since he comes from two non-choir/singers, this is a bit of a shock. I looked up the Brooklyn Tabernacle choir for him on YouTube. Since then he's watched the choir 19,567 times.

I'm more proud of Ty every day. He's the little man in our lives, the lone type-A in the house. We love him so!

What we did last weekend

We played with cousins

And painted cabinets. Lots of cabinets. Oh and I painted the front door red. It's my favorite thing right now. I say paint everything red.

Now I have to go finish this

Ty's birthday is tomorrow and he wants an Alvin and the Chipmunks party.

Joy.

What now?

I've been busy. Shuttling kids to the (few) things they do besides school, painting, rearranging, you get it. I'm a mess. So is my life.

I'm sad again, which you guessed by all of the stuff I've been doing. It's no secret that I change stuff when I'm sad. Its may sound crazy but this week is the first time I've felt some emotions-I think that the Lord protected me from a zillion things these last almost 9 months and some of them, well, He thinks I'm ready for. There's no other explanation for why certain things are just now registering, just now affecting me.

One small example is this: I don't have a husband to offer. Let me explain: meeting new people, reconnecting with old friends even, you make plans. Let's get together, let the kids play. Let's meet for lunch, for dinner. Let's go somewhere. Or come to our house.

Now listen, I've been blessed beyond what I can write here by good solid friends coming with me into this new life without Sean. Friends who loved him and loved our family have gone beyond what they did before he died-they have extended every offering to me. It was life-saving, truly. Knowing the people who knew us as a couple have my back and nothing has changed-except that they miss him too of course. He was very loved and constantly missed. Those aren't the people I'm talking about...

The new people, or new-ish I guess, those people who never knew Sean or me with him. Meeting those people and telling them our story, (Lord knows I tell it quickly after meeting you,) has been a visible reminder that life goes on. New life, new friendships forming, it all shows that God has carefully laid plans for me here. But today it hit me that I am short of a full family. Before I had the football-loving, hunting, goofy, pilot husband to stand with when meeting people. A man's man is that what you call it? He wanted to talk sports all day, especially if by sports that meant football. He was shy at first but a jokester the minute he felt comfortable with you. My friends' husbands liked him. He was part of this deal, this package deal.

Except now he's not here.

While that thought is always here it upset me today. I wonder what people think when they meet me. Just me. Well, me and the kids. That's the new package-me and the kids. We don't talk about football, (like EVER,) we aren't good at practical jokes, and we are over-sharers from the get-go. I mean y'all we are a lot to deal with I think! He was sort of the calm in the storm. The steady one of the circus. Without him, we still aren't sure of who we are.

How is it that this never occurred to me before? Is this one of the thoughts people have when they look into my eyes and ask how I'm doing now? It's as if a whole new level of grief is showing itself. The "what now" part, where I can tell you all about who Sean was and how much we miss him, but the permanence is no longer in question. It's permanent. He's never gonna be here beside me as part of the deal again. He will never meet new people with me. He's part of our past now but not part of the future.

Wow.

Even writing that took me back.

You know what I mean, right? Of course he lives on in our kids but the here and now kind of future planning...it's done. I make decisions for us now, not me and him. I figure out the bills, the schedule, (God help us,) the vacation, the plans. It's just me. Me, who never made a plan a day in her life before December 19th. Me. Without him. I'm having an identity crisis. Not a real crisis, I don't feel overwhelmed with it, I just feel kind of vulnerable. So who am I?

A momma and a daughter. A sister. A widow. Is that it? What now?

Aren't you glad I have an answer. I sure am.

God says that I am also His daughter, part of a plan that is totally under control. He says that I am His, I belong to Him. That I'm still loved, that I'm His choice. He says He will lead me to a restful place. He will be with me forever, and I'll never be alone. He says that I am perfectly made to carry out His purposes. He believes in me and what I (still) have to offer because He made me. He carried me up from the pit because He said it's not totally over for me, even when I don't see anything left.

What now?

He says just buckle up and hold on. He has a plan for this mess, this brokenness. He's not giving up on me, and He says I have value, even now. Especially now, because I'm done with my own strength and charm. (ha!) He's the best part of me and He has put me back together in a different way. Kind of like how your body changes after having a baby. You may weigh the same but things are totally different. I'm the same but completely different.

"You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you." Matthew 5:4 (MSG)

What I've been doing

First the kitchen cabinets, now the outside of the house. Look out front door...here I come! The color is called "High Drama."

A real post and painting pictures are coming!

A girl

She wants to feel pretty. And it doesn't take fancy or expensive jewelry, (as shown above, good things come from Goodwill...) it just takes a little sparkle.

Well

It is well even when it's not always going well. Lately it's been up and down. School is wonderful and tiring and gratifying for Ty but its also stressful...which brings up fears and insecurities. He's back to the place I thought we left forever: the place where, any minute, momma might leave. God help me. Really, God help me.

Other than this, things are great. School, drums, ballet, choir, it's all starting and we are having fun. By the way, I'm an assistant preschool choir person as of tomorrow night. Yikes. As much as I get the Miranda Lambert similarities I can't sing. I mean what if I have to help them by actually singing during a concert?

The girls started preschool today and they settled right in. Charlie is with her buddies from last year and y'all, they hired an extra teacher for their class. They needed an extra teacher for that group what does that tell you.

I'm ready to decorate for Fall. Too early?

Has anybody noticed that my ADD has gotten worse?

I'm off to my first, (of this year,) tap class. Mom is in my class. Glory.

What they do for ice cream