Tuesday, July 31, 2012

My future

It may involve more sadness and it may involve a lot more boxing but it's also gonna be happy. It's what Sean wanted for us. I've been down in the dumps these last few weeks, I know y'all can tell. A million questions and frustrations hit me at once. Why, Lord? Why him? Why now? How on earth can I keep this up?

After I exhausted all of my options I came up with this answer:

It'll always be messy. As messy as it (I) was before its only gonna get worse. But I can do messy and I can do ups and downs. With help I'm gonna be able to do this. So thanks for not giving up on me, for sending letters and emails and funny texts. I couldn't do life right now without you. Well, without you and my punching bag. ;)

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

the current battle

The meeting with the new counselor went well. Ty liked the office and I can tell he liked the counselor too. Relieved!

Y'all know how I tend to overdo things from time to time. Like getting two cats on a whim even though I've never been around cats and wasn't sure if I even liked cats. Turns out they are a hundred times easier to tend to than my anxiety-ridden dog. Moving on...

Since Ty has had a rough week we went to Guitar Center today up by where we used to live. He used to go there with Sean all the time and that store actually helped get him potty trained. I mean it was part of the rewards system. Whatever doesn't matter. So we went there and he loved it. He told me that he wants to be Neil Pert when he grows up and he wants a drum set for Christmas. Oh and an electric guitar. Santa, I hope you're listening.

I think that the combination of struggling early this week and then going somewhere with so many memories was too much. He remembers going there with his daddy then going to eat at Spring Creek after their marathon drum sessions. He wants to go back everyday but he says going there makes him sad too.

I typed a text last night to a friend and what I wrote still rings true today...

"It feels like satan has backed off until this week. I've grown in confidence that our lives will be joyful again and that we can really live again without fear. Then Ty has that intense fear that we are all going to leave him and his world is crashing down again. If it takes everything I've got resolve-wise I will fight this fight day after day until we are home in Heaven. I'm tired of it and I want to punch Sean right in the eye. No both eyes. (I will get a good workout later with my punching bag) But satan convinced Sean that we are better off without him. I'm not losing my son too."

It's a battle to convince us that God can't possibly be all-knowing and still allow terrible things to take place. It's a battle of good and evil-and the evil is as old as time. No new tricks-evil uses fear and shame and anxiety to wreck us. To tempt us to look away from the God who made us and knows us. It's a battle much greater than my situation. As tired as I am of fighting through this I have a God who never tires or sleeps. He doesn't miss things and He sure doesn't stumble around hoping things will turn out alright.

He wins in the end.

We've just gotta hold on until then and keep on truckin. And in my case, keep on fighting.

Thanks for praying for Ty and for me.

Monday, July 23, 2012

Decorating and down in the dumps

I've been decorating.

Moment of silence.

That's kind of a big statement for me since I don't decorate all that much. I don't know how really. I do seasonal stuff for sure but not like everyday stuff. I'm trying. I think I'm in love with banners like this.

An update of the honest kind is not always happy and this one isn't. Things have been great until today when Ty's anger became the focal point. He's so mad that he doesn't even know what he's mad at. He lashes out and says things that are bitter and raw. He says them to the people closest to him and thankfully that's it. He's not lashing out at school, (at least not now,) but at us. He's mad and he doesn't like feeling abandoned.

Will you pray that he feels safe? I'm taking him to a new trauma counselor tomorrow. Lord knows we fit the bill for drama I mean trauma in this house!

Thanks y'all.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

I don't know where she gets it

I mean y'all it's a mystery where that crazy hair of Charlie's comes from.

A mystery.

I've had a fun weekend and this coming week is the kids' last week of summer school. Yikes.

Any ideas for August? I'm all ears.

Thursday, July 19, 2012


Literally, growing.

Watching them grow and become something beautiful. What a treat. There was a time that I thought flowers were boring. I mean, of course they grow. It's their job.
But now, I don't think I've ever watched something more magical. From nothing to this-just weeks. How I long for my life to be that way! The sadness becoming joy in weeks. It's happening. It's growing.

And I'm thankful.

The truth

Friday, July 13, 2012

Sunday, July 8, 2012

The day He used a hummingbird

Apparently hummingbirds aren't out and about in Colorado this year. Sean's mom and dad haven't seen a single one. Don't we all love hummingbirds? They're mesmerizing. Kinda sad that they aren't as visible this year.

Last night Ty had night terrors so it was a rough night for all of us, especially me. That sounds mean, doesn't it? Well the deal with night terrors, (at least my kids') is that the kid is asleep, and can't be roused. The girls rolled over a few times when they heard him but that's about it. So hour after hour I heard him, tried to wake him, then just held him until he stopped. I always get mad at Sean when Ty does something like this, mainly because Sean could wake him up and get him back to a sound sleep better than I can. I'd defer to him if Ty had nightmares or night terrors. That was part 1 of how Satan beat me down in the last 24 hours.

Part 2-I had nightmares every time I fell back asleep. I dreamed that Sean was alive but had left our family. In one dream I kept calling him to tell him the kids missed him and he kept ignoring my calls. When he finally answered he yelled at me, (thank God he wasn't a yeller while alive) and said he didn't care if they needed him-he'd moved on. Another dream was that I got a call that he was found alive and the whole nightmare of the last few months was just that-a nightmare. Then I dreamed I was standing at the altar, white dress and all, and I stood alone for hours. No one ever came to meet me there. I turned to walk away from the alter and collapsed in tears.

I woke up in a full blown panic attack.

I think Satan is smarter than we give him credit for. The way to make a girl struggle is through making her feel abandoned, unloved, rejected. I woke up feeling all of those things. I cried until the kids woke up this morning. Then I cried during my shower and managed to stop until we got to church here in Colorado. The first song we sang was about God defeating the trials and sadness, even the grave.

So long, hold-it-together-ness.

I looked down at one point and my shirt was wet from my tears. Of course on any normal day I have Kleenex and wipes in my (big) purse but today-neither. I asked the Lord to take the feelings from the night away and replace them with hope, any kind of hope. The pastor started teaching and he talked about choosing a mate.


I know you were thinking it too.

A few hours later I sat at the kitchen table alone and cried again. Loneliness has set in, even in the midst of great friends and family around me. My mind started racing. What if I'm alone in this? What if I can't keep up the pace? How will I ever move past the rejection I feel? Will I ever feel loved and cherished and well, the opposite of how I feel now? I said, "I am grasping for air, Lord. Satan is whispering things to me that I hate hearing. It's hard not to surrender to the thought that this stage-this betrayal and how it makes me feel-is permanent. Please, I'm begging, show me hope."

I looked over my left shoulder toward the window. There, at eye level, was a hummingbird. It looked me square in the eye for ten seconds. (I counted) then it flew away. I was alone in the kitchen, but I stopped feeling so terribly alone.

He knows me. He loves me. And He's the original knight in shining armor (on a white horse.) He loves me enough to put a hummingbird five feet in front of me to say, "I can do extraordinary things, things you have no idea that I can do. I'm here. I see you. You are not abandoned."

So tonight I can rest in peace knowing that the God who made everything I see loves me. I am loved, not abandoned. I am chosen, not overlooked. I am cherished, not rejected. I hope you can rest in knowing this too.


Friday, July 6, 2012

For Daddy

During the parade the kids noticed a lone red balloon floating away. I could hear the balloon's owner (about a 3 year-old girl) in the distance but they didn't notice her. They pointed to it and Ty said, "Look Mom that balloon is going so high it's going to space!" Charlie: "No Ty is going even higher than that it's going to Heaven so Daddy can have a balloon from the parade."
"Oh yeah, that's right Charlie he will just love that balloon."

It's good to have things like that to smile about here, where it's just so apparent that he's missing. We are having a great time, still here a few more days. I keep dreaming of living here, even now. I'd miss my family and friends too much though...so back to Texas soon :)

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

The view

It's beautiful. It made me want to run it was so pretty. I tried and made it about 30 yards before bending over begging for air. I'm blaming the altitude instead of my lack of any sort of exercise the last six months.

I'm hitting the hay in Colorado. I'm blaming the early bedtime on altitude too :)