Monday, August 25, 2014

First day of school

Not a tear was shed. They all walked into the same building for the first time on the first day of school and I was so glad there were no tears.




They were excited and I think only Ty was a little nervous. Joy got all of her tears out during meet the teacher night I guess. I gotta be honest I was worried about her doing a repeat performance this morning but nothing but smiles!



"Mom you can go now I'm gonna color."



Bless her heart this was my only picture of her first day of first grade.




Here he is...big man on campus compared to his sisters. He was nervous but assured me he wasn't. He got in the car after school and said he loves second grade because they do science in second grade and he's awesome at it. Well that's a relief.

I had a wonderful day on my own and didn't get sad about them going to school. I think that one of the blessings of coming back from a dark place like where I've been is that things don't hinge on events like they used to. Will I cry during this school year about the kids being there? Probably. Will I miss them? Yes. Will I have anxiety about their safety there and as issues creep up will I worry? I'm sure I will. But today, I just enjoyed the fact that they were happy to go into school together. For the first time in almost 8 years I was able to decide what I wanted and needed to do without factoring in another person. For like a lot of hours.

The last 2 1/2 years the weight I carry has been very heavy. Even though life has gone on and we have great joy and fun, the weight has been there, resting solely on my shoulders. I've answered so many questions, thought through so many responses about why their dad isn't here anymore. It still gets too heavy sometimes, there I said it. I don't tell everybody or cry necessarily on bad days anymore because, well, it is what it is. Messy, hard, confusing, raw. It's not easy. It's really good and really worth it, this job I have, but it's not easy.

I've thought a lot about why my main emotion today was gratitude. Relief even. Yikes. We aren't supposed to say that out loud, huh. Well, I've come up with something. Maybe today marked the beginning of me being able to rest a few hours each day from carrying that weight. Maybe I felt relief because I didn't have to hold it together for anybody for those hours today. Maybe I could relax and take a deep breath by myself and see what I wanted to do...then go do it. Call it selfish, maybe it is. I loved it though. I was so refreshed after today that I was genuinely excited to see the kids at pick-up. I played more with them tonight than I have in weeks. I felt lighter, like I could take care of me today and that helped me take better care of them. Am I making any sense?

Tonight when I said goodnight to the kids I kept thinking, "Lord thank You that we made it this far, this long without Sean. I wasn't sure I'd ever see this day and I wasn't sure I'd feel whole again enough to engage with the kids and do life. You never left me or made me feel like I carried the weight of this thing alone. Just keep these kids in Your hands Lord. Keep me there too."

I'm going to bed full of peace tonight. It was a great first day.

Sunday, August 17, 2014

ROAR

The circus goes the the circus
















Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Being still is hard

Being still is hard. For anybody who has known me a while you know I like to be out of the house on the go, and with as many friends as possible. I love having fun plans to look forward to. I love the thought of moving, starting fresh, meeting new people all the time. I'm a believer that there's only one life and we might as well make it an exciting one. I've looked forward to moving and starting a brand new life with the kids for about a year now. 

Yet here I am. Forced to wait. After praying and trying and figuring and begging God to make things happen, here I am. How can this be happening again? It took a year and a half to sell the old house and move here. Lots and lots of showings. Same story, different house. I feel like I'm being punk'd. 

Except I know this time a lot better than the last time that God is in control. I had never known the pointlessness of my own strength/knowledge regarding the prediction of God's will when trying to sell the last house. Now I know that I can lay out my plans and do my part and that's about it really. My plans aren't what matter. His are. So here I sit. Again. Lord help me I hope not for another year and a  half but maybe this is where He needs me to stay. The waiting room, as some call it. Waiting for His direction and a clear picture of where to go next. 

I've surrendered my timing for sure-I'd have been halfway to Heaven by now if the house had already sold. I'd have finished my initial plans for the move and possibly already been ready to move again. That's the thing...the restlessness is what He's working on. Shoot, I guess He really knows my heart. When it hurts I want to run. To retreat, to turn and run. 
Sitting and waiting isn't what I want. It isn't what I've asked for. 

Lord, I did not sign up for this. 

(How many times have you thought that?) We all have! Waiting and being still, Lord, it's just so slow. I wanted fast, I wanted easy. Not any more of this slow stuff. Healing. Restoration. Ugh...peace. 

That was supposed to be funny. 

Will you pray for my willingness to meet this waiting period with an open heart? And forgive me for the absence. Now you understand where I've been :) 




Sunday, July 13, 2014

The one where I make a plan to move to Colorado

I feel like we're still coming off the high we were on last week in Colorado. I feel so at home there which really makes no sense. I feel secure there and I feel safe. Emmy went with us this year and was a huge help of course, not only with the kids but also just with processing what I was feeling during the long drive to and from there. I told her I crave the safety of the mountains-the stability, the concrete boundaries that God so beautifully put together there. You can stay outside all day and never get tired of looking around it's so beautiful. Ugh worth mentioning is that you don't sweat very much even in July. I write that as I picture myself earlier painting outside in the garage wiping my forehead 2400 times because I was (literally) melting. Texas, I love you but REALLY. The two things that are deal breakers for me I live with here: thunderstorms and extreme heat. Ahhhh someday I'll live at the foot of one of those mountains and laugh about the days I'm living now. I'll be laughing wearing a coat in July too, you better believe it!

New books to read, new schedules to make, new plans unfolding. I love this time of summer where you're not ready for it all to start again but you're not wishing for 3 more months of summer either. Gotta run. Y'all be good. 

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Here there everywhere




Pretty much sums it up...we made it! Two trips down, lots of summer to go. It's been a whirlwind, (as usual,) and God is certainly teaching me some hard lessons...but He's with me, I'm sure of it. I'm happy to be where I am, which is something I haven't said, (or thought!) in a very long time. Hope can do that for you :) 

More pictures coming. Pinky swear.

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Colorado

We made it! I'm as excited as they are but there was nobody available to take my picture. 

Saturday, June 28, 2014

When moms and daughters shop together...

Sometimes this happens at baby showers.