On a day like this

There are days filled with memories and longing and there are days with joy and hope. The best are the combination of all of these. Memories help teach the kids about who Sean was. Longing keeps me in the mindset that I need Jesus. Joy helps me when I don't feel great or feel overwhelmed and hope is crucial for my outlook.

I look for ways to celebrate, (I always have,) and soon we will celebrate the ending of one year and the beginning of another. I hope for a happy new year, like all of you. I can hardly wait to see what God does this next year! I've dreamt lately of new beginnings, new people coming through my path. Dreams like this are happy. Some of them involve ministry in the sense that I will devote working hours to helping people. I feel more ready to return to counseling, though not in the same way I did before. Sometimes in the dream I am getting dressed up to go somewhere new, and I can feel butterflies in my stomach...

You know where this is going. I have dreams about going on a date. In my dream I feel unsure, insecure, and like I'm 12 again. I always wake up and think, "What am I gonna do if this ever happens?!" I confided in a friend a few days ago and I asked her what she thought. She laughed and said that she remembers me telling her about one of my dreams soon after Sean died. In the dream he told me he wants me to get married again and have a full, happy life. She pointed out that I've already had the conversation with him about it and now it's just between me and God. And that it's okay to think about. So I'm thinking about it. I'm praying about it and hopeful that the Lord has plans for me to know love again. I'm putting this out there now while there is nothing to reveal, and I will be careful and thoughtful about going into detail here when it does. I'm believing fully that my life is complete as it is but I'm hopeful that there is more in store in the future. Now in my normal honest way I'll go ahead and tell you that it will be a clear God thing for me to even find time to date! Well and who in their right mind would take this circus on? (I say that with a smile...I'm a circus all on my own as you've learned.)

Enough about that...on to new projects:

Painting some, trying to copy others...the Italian painting is from Pinterest. I don't have a talent like that that I'm hiding from you. The "Let her sleep" sign is from a blog and I plan to copy it for the girl's room. Give me paint and I'm a happy girl.

Great Wolf Lodge

Wow. What a fun place. We are all taking naps now for like 3 days. Thank you to the Wilborns for such a fun trip!

Those people took my chair

I'd tell you about meaningful things if I had any more brain power left tonight. Instead, a few things I've heard around my house this week:

"Is today my birthday?" "No, not until May." "Is tomorrow my birthday?" "No your birthday is in May." "Is yesterday my birthday?" (Joy)

"She is trying to scare me with her bobo." (Ty) Joy has turned into a mooning offender. I'm not sure what to do about this.

"If you say that one more time mommy I'm canceling your party."
(Can you guess who said this? Her party was almost cancelled 213 times last month and her name starts with a "C"

"Uh mom the kitty is eating a bug." "Is it dead or alive?" "It's legs aren't moving anymore so I think it's dead...yep he's a goner. I'll call the Orkin guy he'll be excited." (Charlie)

"I don't go to school over Christmas break? Well you should tell my teacher mommy she will wonder where I am." (Ty)

"I told Santa what I wanted but I forgot the most important thing." "What is that?" "What I really want is guinea pig." "Too bad if you didn't tell Santa that's not happening...EVER." (Joy)

"Mommy did you know I like fruit now?" "No, which kind of fruit?" "grape Popsicles." (Ty)

"I'm sick I can't go to school. I need to just sit with you at home and eat ice cream." (Charlie)

Reported from Ty's teacher..."Ty, what's your middle name?" "Well it used to be James but now my name is Ty Brave Wilborn since I did so much brave stuff Popeye said we need to change my middle name to brave."

"Guess what! If you look up at the sun in the day it makes you be able to see circles all over the place." (Joy)

And finally, oh wait, you need a little back story first...

I sold all of my bedroom furniture. I gave away some of the living room stuff too since it brought back memories so I found a couch and needed to get rid of this oversized chair I've had since grad school. It had words written in red permanent marker on it. (Thank you Joy,) and it was just old and ugly. Anyway, Dad and I moved it up to the road and put a "free" sign on it. I was out running errands when mom called to say someone stopped and talked to her about taking it then loaded it up and left...mom went back toward the house to pick toys up and then looked up to see Charlie and Joy walking hand in hand in the middle of the street. They know how big if a deal this is and they know how big of trouble they get in if they cross our DO NOT CROSS THE BLACK LINE mark...but they were doing it anyway. Mom ran after them and got them back to the yard and asked what in the world they were doing.

Charlie, "Well Nattie Joy was just so sad that somebody took our chair so she was chasing after their car and I came to help her." Then Joy chimed in, "They stole my chair I want our chair back! I go catch them and say give dat back!" Joy cried about the chair for ten minutes. She watched us carry it out of the house and I told her we were giving it away. I mean it wasn't a surprise. The drama runs deep around here.

So the final thing I've heard around my house...

"Those people took my chair!"

A year later

Last December 19th started out an ordinary day and ended far from ordinary. It started out like many days before it: Me sleeping late (7:30!) thanks to my early-rising husband. He got up with the kids and let me sleep. I woke up to laughter coming from downstairs. A new house, a fresh start in my hometown. We were sore from putting the brand new trampoline together two days before. My first two steps down were so painful I yelped. He laughed.

We ate breakfast and got ready for the day. He was happy. Carefree. More carefree than he had been in a long time. I told him I was glad he was happy and joked that he finally settled into the slower pace of life in a small town. He said he'd fully settle in once he could get Uverse or Fios. Oh and an In-n-Out.

We played outside around the trampoline. The kids jumped without a care in the world while he picked up the extra springs we'd left out on the grass. It was his nature, picking up as he went. He hated leaving something unfinished and hated leaving a mess after finishing something. The kids kept laughing and jumping when I went inside to make lunch. I made grilled cheese sandwiches and cut up apples for each plate. Such a normal day.

While the kids were finishing their lunch I washed dishes and unloaded the dishwasher. He was working in the office putting things in their place. I sent the kids back outside because I knew it was supposed to start raining mid-day. They ran straight back out to the trampoline.

He came into the kitchen and said he had to go to the bank to deposit some checks. The bank was always his thing, and when I had to go to the bank he had to give me a tutorial. I handed him a check from my purse, (have no idea where all the checks were coming from now,) and kept washing dishes. Then I remembered that I'd opened the mail already and there was a check in it so I ran out the door to my car to get it. As soon as I came outside I saw him kneeling beside Ty talking to him. I yelled that I had one more check and he looked at me then said something to Ty and hugged him. I said, "Uh you're just going to the bank, right? Why are you hugging Ty?" He said Ty wanted to come with him but he'd said no so Ty was sad. "Oh well then can't you just take him?" He said it'd be a quick trip and he knew Ty would rather be jumping. At that moment Ty remembered the trampoline and ran off. I turned back around to go inside without another thought.

Twenty minutes later I got a text that started the upheaval of everything I knew. It was full of torment and pain, leading to disbelief and shock. It was a nightmare that stood still. It was the lowest hour I've ever known. The darkest day. Darkness, fear, abandonment.

By the end of that day all that I knew changed except for one very crucial thing. God was there with me when I started that day, He was with me throughout the entire day, and He was with me when the darkness in my heart finally matched the darkness of the night. He was, and is, my stronghold.

Jesus came to save the world on Christmas day. People often tell me they wish this had not happened so close to Christmas. I disagree. There is no good time to experience loss of course but in my heart I know this to be true: Christ came to redeem the mess and the anguish that this world has in it. There is no more direct reminder of this gift of hope and new life than that baby on Christmas Day. He came to save us, to give us a chance at knowing abundant life if we'll let Him in. We need a Savior and there is only One. His name is Jesus. I am here, a year later, because of Him.

He has promised

God hath not promised
Skies always blue
Flower-strewn pathways
All our lives through.

He hath not promised
Sun without rain
Joy without sorrow
Peace without pain.

But God hath promised
Strength for the day
Rest for the labor
Light for the way,

Grace for the trials,
Help from above,
Unending sympathy,
Undying love

There are no words for today, for tragedy, that will make sense of it. There is only God, who never sleeps or turns from us. He restores what evil destroys. The evil in and of the world says nothing can come from horror or pain, that fear is our only option. But for anyone who believes in Jesus Christ, hope abounds.

Come Lord Jesus. Be near.

Picnics

A little different from picnics when it's warm outside. If you ask my kids what their favorite restaurant is they say Target. And IHOP is becoming a new regular. Nothing like smelling like maple syrup all day.

I woke up at 9:30 this morning. Glory.

Mom and Dad have moved back in until Christmas. I'm so thankful. They help in practical ways but more than that it's fun just having their company. I knew that I'd need extra help around the anniversary and they were quick to offer help. I am blessed indeed.

All Clear (kind of)

What happens when you say, "Joy, smile."

I can't explain this.

I got the call from my dr that my blood work is all clear-no diabetes, thyroid problems, mono, or blood disorders. So relieved that my body is healthy! So...why am I so tired all the time?

Depression. You've seen commercials and heard about what depression can do to your body, even if you feel able to face things emotionally...well even though I'd say I have more hope and joy now than 11 months ago, my body still feels the depression. It's shutting down energy-wise. I have aches in my neck all the time too, which I thought was something related to how I sleep. Nope, that's depression too.

I've been open here about having anxiety attacks in the past. I see no reason to hide the depression either. I'll switch my "crazy pill," as we call it in my family, to one more geared toward depression and go from there. I'm also supposed to rest when I need to and exercise, drink water, you know the drill. I think that a trip to a beach is somewhere in my plan of recovery too but I may have made that up. ;)

Busy weekend around here so I'll go get things started. More pictures from last week to come...