Apparently hummingbirds aren't out and about in Colorado this year. Sean's mom and dad haven't seen a single one. Don't we all love hummingbirds? They're mesmerizing. Kinda sad that they aren't as visible this year.
Last night Ty had night terrors so it was a rough night for all of us, especially me. That sounds mean, doesn't it? Well the deal with night terrors, (at least my kids') is that the kid is asleep, and can't be roused. The girls rolled over a few times when they heard him but that's about it. So hour after hour I heard him, tried to wake him, then just held him until he stopped. I always get mad at Sean when Ty does something like this, mainly because Sean could wake him up and get him back to a sound sleep better than I can. I'd defer to him if Ty had nightmares or night terrors. That was part 1 of how Satan beat me down in the last 24 hours.
Part 2-I had nightmares every time I fell back asleep. I dreamed that Sean was alive but had left our family. In one dream I kept calling him to tell him the kids missed him and he kept ignoring my calls. When he finally answered he yelled at me, (thank God he wasn't a yeller while alive) and said he didn't care if they needed him-he'd moved on. Another dream was that I got a call that he was found alive and the whole nightmare of the last few months was just that-a nightmare. Then I dreamed I was standing at the altar, white dress and all, and I stood alone for hours. No one ever came to meet me there. I turned to walk away from the alter and collapsed in tears.
I woke up in a full blown panic attack.
I think Satan is smarter than we give him credit for. The way to make a girl struggle is through making her feel abandoned, unloved, rejected. I woke up feeling all of those things. I cried until the kids woke up this morning. Then I cried during my shower and managed to stop until we got to church here in Colorado. The first song we sang was about God defeating the trials and sadness, even the grave.
So long, hold-it-together-ness.
I looked down at one point and my shirt was wet from my tears. Of course on any normal day I have Kleenex and wipes in my (big) purse but today-neither. I asked the Lord to take the feelings from the night away and replace them with hope, any kind of hope. The pastor started teaching and he talked about choosing a mate.
Really?
I know you were thinking it too.
A few hours later I sat at the kitchen table alone and cried again. Loneliness has set in, even in the midst of great friends and family around me. My mind started racing. What if I'm alone in this? What if I can't keep up the pace? How will I ever move past the rejection I feel? Will I ever feel loved and cherished and well, the opposite of how I feel now? I said, "I am grasping for air, Lord. Satan is whispering things to me that I hate hearing. It's hard not to surrender to the thought that this stage-this betrayal and how it makes me feel-is permanent. Please, I'm begging, show me hope."
I looked over my left shoulder toward the window. There, at eye level, was a hummingbird. It looked me square in the eye for ten seconds. (I counted) then it flew away. I was alone in the kitchen, but I stopped feeling so terribly alone.
He knows me. He loves me. And He's the original knight in shining armor (on a white horse.) He loves me enough to put a hummingbird five feet in front of me to say, "I can do extraordinary things, things you have no idea that I can do. I'm here. I see you. You are not abandoned."
So tonight I can rest in peace knowing that the God who made everything I see loves me. I am loved, not abandoned. I am chosen, not overlooked. I am cherished, not rejected. I hope you can rest in knowing this too.
Goodnight.
