Update

Galveston was perfect last weekend. We stayed at the Moody Gardens hotel (a first) and the kids think its the best trip they've ever been on. A hotel with its own water park AND aquarium is almost too much happiness for them to bear. Plus they didn't have to fly to get there. By them I mean me of course. My latest goal is to start saving and preparing for a big trip. My favorite place I've ever been is Italy and I want to go back and apparently you have to fly there.

On that note, I have a few questions to answer from emails I've gotten these last few weeks. I'll answer any questions that aren't too overwhelming or inappropriate here in the interest of time. My kids hate it when I'm on my phone--still how I write most posts--and I'm trying to listen to them. If I answer emails it's usually late at night and LORD KNOWS thats not my best time as far as coherent thought. Anyway, a few answers:

Going places where we used to live is hard but it's getting easier. I feel like its important for the kids to see and remember places with their dad so I take them and we talk about him. It causes setbacks for them sometimes but I still think its right to do it.

I joined the church I grew up in a few weeks ago and the kids are loving it. It's a church full of people who love on my kids and help me with them. It felt like coming home in the best way when I came back. People often ask what denomination I am and my answer is always that I believe that Christ is alive and accessible to all who call to Him. The church I'm now a member of (again) is Baptist. I don't get wrapped up in arguing about denominations though-in fact I get irritated and leave those kinds of conversations these days.

I believe that Sean is in Heaven, even though he took his own life. I believe that the moment he, in anguish and confusion, did what he did, was followed by him opening his eyes and seeing Jesus. I believe this because like Acts 16:31 says, "Believe in the Lord Jesus Christ and thou shall be saved." I believe that salvation is real and it isn't based on anything that we do or don't do. Or might do in the future or may have done in the past. It's about believing that Christ is who He says He is and taking Him at His Word. That's it. He died to pay the price for my sins so I could live forever with God. He is love, complete and faithful. Whew. I feel better.

Ty is loving school. And so am I.

I still have the cats but they're starting to irritate me. Apparently cats like to scratch things, especially leather things. They kinda drive me crazy. "How's Max?" is a favorite question around here and I have great news:

He doesn't live with me anymore. He lives with my parents now and he's content and settled. Honestly it's a weird relationship I have with Max. He was Sean's dog through and through. At first he brought me a lot of comfort but over time I think watching him run to the back door every time it opened brought me more pain and frustration than comfort. Max is smarter than I give him credit for and he misses Sean. As much as I love dogs I can't bear having another person here who hopes Sean will walk through that back door. Well, and Max destroys things. Lots of things.

Exhibit A

Exhibits B-Z are available on my phone for your viewing pleasure. Max is a toot. But he's a well cared for toot now. I owe my parents something huge for taking him on.

Last question answered tonight and it's off to bed since this whole school things has wiped us out. I ask for help often and rely on it to keep things rolling. I am a single parent now, yes, but I have help. Sometimes paid sitters, sometimes family. Sometimes friends (I pay them in snacks.) Thankfully I'm able to keep my focus on the kids and in time I'll go back to counseling. Right now my license is frozen, (no continuing Ed) and let's just put it out there...I'm in no position to counsel anyway right now. I'd cry more than my clients! In time I hope to go back, though I'm not sure in what capacity or where.

Okay y'all I'm done. I'm fixing to turn into a pumpkin or whatever.

First Day

He is so proud and happy and ready. Same goes for me...I think :)

Full circle

My parents, my kids. Me taking the picture. Having so much fun at the place we used to come take refuge. The kids haven't noticed that the sand and the water look different from Florida. Ahem.

Seven

Seven years ago I married Sean. For seven years I knew I was loved. This year is not normal, not planned. It's not even welcome to be honest. I wanted to skip right past this day. The way I see it it's still a day that He made, that He ordained. So this year I know that I am loved, maybe feeling it more than ever. I can't explain that to you if you've never given Jesus a chance to know you. To really know you.

What you do in August when summer school is over

You dress like the Golden Girls

And you swim as much as possible. Going places with friends to swim as much as possible is a huge bonus.

If you're me you also try out as many different forms of exercise your body can handle. You drag your kids with you when they'll go and try to convince them that working out makes momma nicer because she's gotta do something with all the extra energy. If you're me you keep your little Zumba skirt in the car because, well, you just never know when you'll be able to use it. And if you're me you drive ten miles to the nearest indoor tennis court to relive the glory days with your old, (not OLD but old as in from high school) doubles partner.

Ahhhh August, you bring out the desperation in me.

And since we only have two weeks left before school starts I guess we can be friends.

The end of a very hard but good process

On Thursday I met with my counseling group for the last session. For 8 weeks we have met once a week and grieved together. It's only an 8 week program because sadly there are lots of people in the area who need the program and when you're talking about the stuff we talk about its important to keep the group small. One of my new friends from the group lost her husband on my birthday in March. We talk and text all the time now. It's nice to be able to just say, "Today was hard," and have someone get it. Not try to fix it or take my focus away from it-just be there saying, "Yeah, hard day." We are part of a group now, a club that none of us chose to join or even got a say in joining. But we are together, determined to make the life of our spouse mean more than the way they died. It quickly becomes all people associate us with and while I certainly understand how, (and even why,) that's the case it's not all that this grief is. It's messy and it's scary, yes. But its also purifying and helpful. And it's necessary.

I'm lucky that I have this outlet as part of my healing. Really, y'all have been part of this process for me, letting me tell you all about my struggle to make it through while trusting God. I told my group how healing it is to write and hear back from some of you how the Lord has walked you through grief of all forms. He gave us each other to cope in this life, to try to glorify Him as we go. Even on nights that I feel totally alone I know that I'm not. I'm a few words away from encouraging words and prayers. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

Flashback Friday: bad momma edition

I am not always a good mom. Sometimes I'm downright bad. Lazy. Unsafe even. I like to think it keeps the kids interesting. What's most telling about me is that I've taken pictures of these things. I mean life is just funny sometimes, isn't it? Nobody call CPS. These are old pictures. Wink wink

His first love (besides me)

Her name is Linzy and she was Ty's first teacher in Frisco. She helped us come to terms with his special little brain and she guided us through the trenches. She even greeted the girls with hugs every day when we picked Ty up. Today she drove an hour to come see us and watch Ty play t-ball. She is part of the inner circle village it takes to help Ty and she always will be. What kind of teacher drives over an hour to visit a former student? Only her. She calls him "My Ty." And even though he hid today when she first got here because he was shy he hasn't stopped talking about her and her kids. He adores her. Linzy you are one in a million. "Thank you" doesn't really cut it but thank you.

Steady my heart

Looking around

There is much to be thankful for around here. Last night I woke up at 2 am and couldn't go back to sleep. I read through a book of promises that my friend gave me and fell asleep with Truth in my heart. I didn't leave the house today, (besides a quick and painful spin fusion class,) and so I walked around and took these pictures. Nothing magical, nothing staged. Ty took the last one...it's of his homemade drum set. He's getting a real one for his birthday in September. Y'all don't spill the beans okay? He's been taking drum lessons and loves it. I have big plans for where I'm gonna put the set. It involves as many closed doors between me and him as possible.

Anyway.

Truth wins. It always has and it always will. Truth says that He has plans for me, plans to give me hope and a future. Plans that will prosper me and not harm me. I can't see the plan clearly yet but that's okay. Just knowing He's got one is enough for today.

So far so good

The rehearsal went well and there are no signs of sadness :):)

Flashback Friday

Back when it was only four of us.

Little did I know it would be four of us in our family again.

Looking at this I can remember how hard those days were-the kids were so little and so needy. Hard days for mommas. Ty was 18 months old and Charlie was 4 months old. Joy wasn't even on the radar...not that she ever was until we discovered she was on her way. Gotta love surprises right?

Oh and I love how Sean looks in this picture. Handsome man. While the photographer snapped away he kept saying the funniest things to me because I told him I needed to go to the bathroom. It was his personal goal to get me to lose it. For the record I did not. I miss how funny he was. That was really one of the most influential things about our relationship. We were friends for four years before we ever dated. People kept trying to set us up and we laughed them off. We asked each other for advice about blind dates and how to break up with other people nicely. We told each other about our families and how much we wanted to raise our own families like we grew up. And we just laughed all the time wherever we were. Then it all changed and we went from friends to dating to engaged to married in 8 months. I laughed the entire time.

Deep breath Mary.

This weekend the kids are in a wedding at our old church. The girls are flower girls and Ty is one of the ring bearers. Anybody want to bet on who actually makes it down the aisle? Cody is the other ring bearer so I'm banking on him making it for sure. And maybe Charlie. I'm taking Sean's paparazzi camera so I'll have lots of pictures to show you. This will be my second wedding to watch since December and I feel like a different person than who I was even a few months ago. I can look at pictures like this one I posted and feel joy and remember things. It's as if the hours and hours of counseling and writing have really worked and I can see past the pain. I'm so thankful it's not all tears anymore. All glory to God!

How the Orkin man stole my heart

I'm not a city girl. I like to pretend to be one sometimes and act like I know how to navigate one way streets and parking garages but the truth is I don't feel like I fit the city life. I mean, I go to bed too early for one. I'd be a waste of space if I lived somewhere full of fun nightlife. I've been thinking about moving to a place full of concrete though. Here's why. I don't do spiders.


There, I said it. If you're new here there's a short list of things I DON'T DO.


1. Flying (without Xanax + 2 dramamines)


2. Thunderstorms


3. Flying in thunderstorms


4. Spiders


That about covers it.


Moving back to my hometown is all kinds of good. It is comfortable here and I am so happy that my kids can grow up like I did. It's how Sean grew up too, did I tell y'all that? He grew up in Denton so he wasn't a city person either. He loved seeing the places he went for work and I liked (that's a strong word...tolerated is better,) going on a few trips with him to big cities. But this way of life suits me. It always did. Except for one thing.


Spiders.


My house growing up was near a lake so spiders were part of it. So were snakes. If you go to my parents house today you'll find a shotgun at every door. And we all know how to use them. I nannied for a family right after grad school and their favorite way to introduce me was to say, "This is our nanny Mary. She shoots snakes." By most people's reactions I didn't fit the bill then. (See, I was probably trying to look like a city girl.) That's not my point. My point=spiders are evil. I knew they were everywhere around my parents house and so I made a vow to live somewhere without them when I grew up. Ahem.


We moved here in December so all was clear on the spider-front until late Spring. And then they came and they came with a vengeance.


Y'all, I have my Orkin guy's cell phone number on my top 10. He probably weighs 95 pounds soaking wet but he's one of my heroes. He'd kill for me. In fact, he does. But they keep coming. It's as if spiders can sense my fear and hatred for them and they find me. In the last few weeks we killed in the high teens--in my house. It was a full on attack on their part.


But.


My 95 pound hero came yesterday and took care of business. We went all out--no more kid friendly or pet friendly stuff anymore. He whispered that his boss tells him to use the environmentally friendly stuff these days but he doesn't think it works. He also whispered that he will pull out the good stuff if a customer requests it. Enter me. I asked for the poison and I got it. I have found about 400 dead crickets around the perimeter of my house and haven't seen anything moving that's not supposed to be moving in the house. Oh victory in Jesus.


In a perfect world there would be some useful information for you after a post like this but all I can say is that I love my Orkin man. He completes me.


The End.

Where's Waldo

Mary's kids edition. All three are in this picture taken today at the Frisco rec center. It was part of the old stomping ground that we loved and miss. Charlie asked today if we could move back and when I told her it costs money to move she said she has money. Well there you go. Halfway home she changed her mind and wants to stay put. Whew.

As long as the drive is I will keep making it to visit and I'll always be thankful for my friends there. Then I'll pull into our driveway at home and breathe in the familiar. I'm home. In every sense of the word.