Flashback Friday

He's had a rough couple of weeks. So have I because of his struggle. I've tried to figure out the cause or trigger, taken him out of things and tried new ones. There are often explanations for his meltdowns. Not lately. Lately it seems like he's got the weight of the world on his shoulders and he's overwhelmed. I can relate. He's come so far, so very far. He can tell me what scares him and what he needs. My fear is that we both know what he needs, what he's searching for-and he is gone.

Lord my boy is hurting and he doesn't even know why. I know You do. Give him reassurance that I'm not leaving him and more importantly, You aren't either.

Veggies

Where's she going with this? You ask. Just thought I'd encourage y'all to eat your veggies. I've been making smoothies for a long time now but my aunt taught me lots of recipes this weekend using her Vitamix blender (I'm wanting one now of course.) I'm making myself use the smoothie blender I already have for now and it's worked just fine as long as you don't mind a not-quite-as-smooth-as-with-the-professional-blender consistency. Look at what all I put in my last one

Apples, kale, spinach, frozen blueberries and raspberries, carrots and water. And y'all, I'm gonna sound like I'm making it up but it tasted really good. Really.

Vitamix has tons of their recipes online so I've gotten a few ideas to try in my trusty old $39.99 blender. Here's hoping it holds up.

Away

We needed a change of scenery. We needed to get away. So we took my aunt and uncle up on the offer to stay with them and soak up their city.

Away.

Seriously why do they pose like that. I mean I don't pose like that.

The girls were so excited to ride the train with Katherine, my aunt.

Ty was not. Not at first anyway. He loved it once we got started. Now it's his favorite part of our trip.

Joy's favorite part...you'll never guess...

Katherine's gift of happiness

Charlie's favorite part was getting her Ariel balloon. Yep. By the time we took this picture Joy had changed her mind about her pick. She no longer wanted a ladybug in case you couldn't tell.

What is Ty pointing to? Even he poses for pictures. Where have i gone wrong I ask you.

My favorite part? Well how could I pick.

I'd have to say the kids' own pictures, as evidenced by these last few. Letting your kids hold your phone is like a box of chocolates: you never know what you're gonna get.

Hungry?

I just found this in my bed if anyone wants it.

Not my best moment

I'm redoing the office and since I couldn't reach the biggest wall I tried to move the gun safe to the middle of the room. Apparently the one in my office is big because it weighs 900 pounds. If anybody has extra Advil I'd appreciate it since I'll now be taking it for life. Whatever you do to hurt your back and become an old lady I did it.

Want to see what I've done so far?

That's the new color. Happy yellow sunshine we call it. Three walls in that color, one with grey and white stripes, new desks and fun buckets for crafts...I'm so happy to have the room to do this! Oh here's a before shot of the old color.

I'm really good at staging pictures y'all. It's one of my gifts.

It was a pretty green color but it wasn't what I wanted for my craft room. I'm kind of on a bright kick if you hadn't noticed.

Ahem.

Flashback Friday

Hearts

I vividly remember last January having to decide if I'd put Valentine's Day decorations up or not. I wasn't feeling the love or anything. Clearly I was not looking to think about love at all.

This year, though, I think I "get" love in many new ways. Neighborly, brotherly, friendship, support, family, loving someone through grief, disappointment, I could go on. This year it looks Valentine's Day threw up all over my house.

Between painting the office and turning it into a craft room, (I mean who needs an office around here??) I've put hearts on everything that stands still. My mom never failed to brighten our house with fun decorations each season and I'm trying to do the same thing. Our house isn't perfect or cohesive or even tidy most of the time but it's filled with love and for the next month or so it's filled with hearts too.

Lost

I confided in someone today that the easiest way to describe how I feel right now is comforted by The Lord and people in my corner, but lost. It's a really weird combination of feeling like I can make any decision for me and the kids and being scared to death to do it at the same time. I could move to a new place and start a whole different life, (we all know that ain't happening,) but knowing that I COULD and we would be fine. I visited my oldest friend Friday in Ft Worth and kept thinking how fun it would be to live there. I went from that thought to being so glad that when I got home I knew all of my neighbors and not being able to imagine living anywhere but my hometown. I'm all over the place. My heart is full of joy some days, it's true. Can you believe that? There is joy, y'all. I know you can believe that there's laughter living with my kiddos. Life is moving right along and it's blessing after blessing. But I have so much to think through that I feel lost, sometimes just spinning in circles. So much of what I do is fulfilling my role as a momma, and praise God for that! I'm learning what my role is in the other parts of life and I'm still clueless. I'm like a new kid at school, finding my way. From which class in Sunday school to how I feel about blind dates-to which counselor to take the kids to and what to make for dinner...all in all I'm coming out if survival mode and going, "Uhhhhhhhh...here I am world so what am I supposed to be doing?"

A friend just sent me this verse in a text along with a very touching note:

"The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song." Psalm 28:7

I am blessed. I know the God who gives you joy when it doesn't make a lick of sense. Even when I feel lost I know He's with me and what feels like wandering is carefully planned out. And I think it's okay to feel lost as long as you know you're not by yourself out there. Am I making sense?

Oh who are we kidding.

Cozy

Heaven

Thanks to my uncle, my kids and I are, as they say it, "At the coolest place on Earth!" Such a treat!

Flashback Friday

Baby Charlie. I hit the jackpot when she was born. So easy, so sweet. She slept four hours at a time from birth. I thought I was a skilled gifted mother when she was a baby. "I got this all figured out," I'd think.

Then Joy was born.

The End.

Hello love

Projects for friends where I can choose the color=my favorite. After a workout this morning, bible study, and having the kids in school all day I'm one happy girl. Getting to paint too...well you could say my life is complete.

Dance at midnight (9:30)

I thought they were asleep or close to it. Imagine my surprise when I heard them giggling from downstairs. I ran up to tell them to stop and to go to bed. It was 9:30. When I rounded the corner and saw them playing, though, I stopped and just watched. It was one of the cutest little play dates, her with her "treasures," (a collection of trinkets and jewelry,) and him with his "choir," (every Disney character we own.) They giggled and acted out scenes from different shows. I turned around a went back downstairs. Mom and I have been watching Downton Abbey this week so she can catch up to the current episodes...and boy howdy are we both loving it! Anyway, back downstairs to catch the latest news from Downton I went.

Then we looked up about ten minutes later and saw this.

They announced that this was their show they'd been practicing for us. Their dance. Y'all, it was the cutest thing ever. Poor Charlie slept though the whole thing--even the multiple wardrobe changes that clearly took place. Even though the lights were on in every room upstairs and Ty and Joy made enough noise to wake the neighborhood. She'll be sad she missed it in the morning.

And I'll be glad I didn't.

On paper

I didn't realize I'd been in a downswing until I started coming out of it. I mean, of course I realized the date, the first anniversary, the significance of it all. I allowed myself to celebrate that I survived a year of the heaviest burden and pain I've ever known. After the 19th my new year started. December 20th, happy new year. Since I've never been great at New Year resolutions I didn't make any or anything crazy like that. What I did do on the 20th, however was make a kind of a mental list of who I am and who I hope to be by next year.

Me, on paper


Mother
Widow
Daughter (a very grateful one)
Sister (again, very grateful one)
Counselor
Painter
Reader
Writer
Walker/training to be runner (no laughter please)
Wannabe cowgirl or at least horse girl
Country girl who loves living near a city

Wait. Listen to this. Crazy things happened as I made my list.

Satan whispered things about my worth that aren't true. This happens to all of us, doesn't it? He says our worth is based solely on beauty, on what we can offer or what we can do, not on who we are. He's a punk, not withholding schemes to turn us away from God just because we have had a bad season, suffering in some way. As I made my list in my head I caught myself discounting things about me, about my identity. I'd think about the blessings God has given me then Satan would say, "But you've got nothing left to offer here, you're ruined. You're dumped, forgotten." No, no I'm not, I'd say to myself. "Oh but you are, you have more baggage and shame and horror than anyone cares to help you with. You're on your own, deal with it."

Y'all he is wicked and smart, he's no fool. Attacking the weak, the sad, the broken. Offering reasons for everything, offering blame. Suggesting that God, too, has forgotten us.

He has not.

To Him, this is who I am On Paper

Beloved
Protected
Whole
Lovely
Chosen
Redeemed
Cherished
Forgiven
Alive
and

I'm His.

Bring it on sun

Dream a little dream

Y'all.

One night after another I've had the weirdest dreams. I'm attributing it to the sad fact that I'm changing meds again...the one I tried for a few weeks made me more and more nauseous. It started out like a minor carsick feeling, which I can function with. About four days ago, though, it was terrible. I couldn't sit up straight, everything blurred. Awful. So I stopped taking it, (Cymbalta,) and didn't take anything for three days. Yesterday I took the first dose of a new one, (Lexapro) so maybe my brain is just freaking out from the yo-yo of meds I don't know. Here are a few of the dreams.

-magic carpet rides

-talking pet monkey

-a phone call asking me to be on a TV show about decorating (lol)

-living in a tree house

-getting a pet dog who also drives the car like my chauffeur

-being held as a prisoner in a different country

-driving into a city then realizing I have no idea which building I'm supposed to go to. In the dream I decide to just play Xbox on my phone in a parking lot instead. (??)

-being on a plane going to New York and looking out the window to find Rockettes dancing on the clouds.

-Ty is about 15 and we sit at the kitchen table talking about his teachers, who happen to all have the same name: Drisella. Oh and he looks nothing like Ty in the dream.

-I get a letter asking me to be in charge of a horse therapy program for autistic kids and I reply that I don't know anything about horses. They show up at my door with a Great Dane with a saddle and say I should practice riding.

Are y'all worried about my sanity yet?

Happy Friday!