Monday, March 3, 2014

The game changer

It came on Saturday. For two years I've said, "No," to what I knew God was urging me to do. I knew it the way that you know something you'd bank your whole lot on. The inexplicable peace that only comes from Him finally soaked into my heart. For two years I've asked for this very peace, this very desire to surrender...but I kept it at arms length.

It goes against my prized possession that has camped out in my heart and in all areas of my life-fear. It's finally leaving the building. With it goes bitterness, questioning "fairness," and deep deep (did I mention it's deep?) anger. Oh and also a very raw pain that was accessible at a moment's notice. Goodbye to all of that, not for a season. For forever.

I'm saying "yes," to what comes next. Not that I really know fully what that is. That's the best part of this revelation. That's the best part of what Jesus is doing now in the spaces I've finally let Him into. He can reside there and tell me what comes next when He's ready. It's not about me and (gasp!) it's not even about the kids anymore. The whole thing, the pain, the out-of-the-loop-of-life season, the uncertainty of my own ability to DO THIS LIFE without a partner--it's all what He needed to use to get me here.

He allowed a few extremely hard days and one final blow to my very core because, well, I'm stubborn. At the end of those days came Saturday. Throughout the course of that day, I vividly recalled when I started down the path I've been on. I remember saying, "No," to a life of helping other people through their loss and pain because I felt like I'd always be the one needing to be helped and put back together. The truth is that He may put me back together every day from now until He comes back which He's perfectly able and willing to do. What's still missing from my story is what may be missing until I see Him face to face...and I'm okay with it. Finally. I don't care to understand "why," because He knows. When He shows me or tells me I will be no less or more complete for it. I am complete because once I said, "yes," the hundred of "no's" didn't make Him question me. Just as He said, "Follow Me," I'm jumping at the chance to leave all that i know behind and get out there with Him. Man it took Him a lot of trouble to get me here!

He found me in the storm.

The same storm that I was beginning to think would never EVER let up. Turns out I just needed to stand up and say, "I'm coming." Doesn't matter where, and it doesn't matter when. My life, my kids' lives, they're His and for Him. The One who made us all and allowed me to hold Him back in my little bitty plans for my little family can have His way.

Am I nervous?

Not at all.

I couldn't be more certain that it's the best decision I've made so far as a parent. To show the kids that following Him means stepping out before we know the plan seems like a pretty great lesson for them to learn at a young age, don't you think?

Gotta run y'all. I'm so grateful I get to share life with you!