Here there everywhere

I like to escape.

I hate feeling trapped. Planes, tunnels, small spaces I hate. Confined to a certain plan, a certain schedule. Ugh.

I'm a grown up though. I'm getting there. This is not new information for you.

Once school ended for the year we packed the car and drove down to my brother's house for the break. It was partly to distract us from potential sadness and partly to just satisfy my desire to disconnect from the stress I've been under. Big decisions aren't my best time to shine historically. Ahem.

Santa knew where we'd spend Christmas so the kids were on board to leave home for as long as I was. God love 'em I have one always ready to pack a bag and go with me and then I have two homebodies. Can y'all guess who is who?

I have time you can think about it. I'm actually in the air flying home from the trip I left for the day after we got back from the Christmas trip. High five for me getting away from reality! I will tell y'all more about this trip soon complete with pictures...they're all trapped on my phone. I'm pretty fancy as you know. I have Sean's fancy camera sitting at home and I even (kinda) know how to use it, but I don't. That thing is heavy and it usually draws some attention when I pull it out. Then people assume it's mine and that I know anything about it which I don't. They ask why I'm not familiar with it and I start to tell them and then things get awkward. See, I can't just say, "It was my husband's and now it's mine." Oh no, not me. Y'all know better than that. I launch into one of many life stories and before I know it I've given them much (MUCH) more info than they asked for.

Shocker.

So anyway back to what I was talking about. Anybody know what that was?

Time. Do you know who likes to go anywhere at a moments notice? Which kid is just Iike me?

This kid...




The other two? Home bodies. Twenty minutes into an outing I hear, "When can we go home?" Every time. Well except if we are at a water park. Or build a bear.

Anyway.

We drove down to Graham and Ana's in one day and it's a long drive. A. Long. Drive.

We made it and had a glorious time playing in the sun and doing things we haven't done in months at home because of the cold weather. Parks, playgrounds, and more parks. Cousin time rocks. So does time with siblings.
















We ate lots of candy too. Can't leave that out. Oh and Lord knows we found a bowling alley. The new obsession of Ty's actually suits all four of us. Who'd have thought? I do wish bowling alleys wouldn't all play music so loud you can't hear anything else though. Do people bowl a better game, (Is that proper bowling lingo?) when loud rock music is blaring? Is there scientific proof of this?

I gotta get out more.

You were thinking it too.

Bye y'all. We're landing. My palms are sweating. Thank goodness for Xanax or I'd be in a heap of am anxiety attack after this flight. It was one of those where people probably had their hands up like it was a roller coaster.

Not my favorite kind of flight.

You are…aren't You?

You are good when there's nothing good in me You are Love on display for all to see You are Light when the darkness closes in You are Hope You have covered all my sin You are Peace when my fear is crippling You are True even in my wandering You are Joy You're the reason that I sing You are Life In You death has lost its sting I'm running to Your arms I'm running to Your arms The riches of Your love will always be enough Nothing compares to Your embrace Light of the world Forever Reign --from"Forever Reign" I may have jumbled the words and I may have gotten them all wrong but tonight, I figure it doesn't matter. I'm all out of reasons to worry what y'all think of me! I wanted someone else to fill the gaping hole in my heart. I wanted God to fill it but didn't see how protective I was of it. I hoped He'd break through what I put before Him, but He can't do what I'm preventing. Actually He can but He won't is more like it. I wanted someone I could see and touch to restore my faith and hope. I wanted something permanent and predictable. I felt like I needed proof. And I felt like it didn't show up. I almost lost hope that it ever would. I felt hopeless and tired and forgotten, even by people who had good intentions to help. I felt betrayed and blamed for what happened, by people who matter to me. I felt frazzled and weak. I begged Him every night to come back before morning. I couldn't face more of the wandering, searching for the solution. I was worn smooth out. I used up all of my reasoning and all of my logical self, (which, let's be honest, isn't a whole lot of me.) I buried my head and sobbed. Night after night begging Him to release me from the burden of what I was facing. The undeniable calling on my life to use this for His glory instead of a self-pity party of great proportions. I finally looked up and said, "Enough." This got me to where I am today. Still a mess. Still in need of restoration and renewal. Still in need of Him. I've said it a million times before here--and in my daily life--He came to save the world. We celebrate Jesus and happily welcome Him during this season, even people who otherwise think they don't need His help. Uh, maybe that's me lately? Could it be? I'll admit it, yeah that's me. I can forgive a million betrayals with Him at my side. Trusting Him to catch me, to bind up my wounds, gives me the chance to let other people in. It's hard. It's painful and scary and uncertain. It's also exhilarating and exciting and well, LIVING. No guarantees except that He's gonna be standing with me, picking me back up when I'm throwing in the towel. Again. And again. I really don't get how it all works and I don't have to. I just know it's as true for me as it is for everyone who needs to know they're not alone. We aren't. We never have been. He is there. He is here.

Raise your hand if you're surprised

I guess the sample names sounded good enough for me.

Charlie the (almost) 6 year old

Charlie turns 6 on Thursday which happens to also be Thanksgiving this year. I'm hosting at my house for the second time in my whole life so I thought ahead this year and planned an early party with her little friends. I'm shocking myself lately with thinking through things like this. Thank you ADD diagnosis/meds!












Charlie said that what she wants more than anything for her birthday is a daddy. Combining that with lots of internal struggling has thrown me into a level of sadness that God can only help me get through. And He surely will :)

Last night a friend sat down with me and just let me cry. Then she told me the Truth about how bitterness and pain can eat away at us and it's happened and happening in my heart now. Y'all please pray that I can forgive and embrace grace like I never have before. It's hard to work through but necessary. Thanks y'all!

When will I be done?

I'm always working on projects.
Picking up old stuff and making it new. Start to finish can take anywhere between an hour and 8 months. It depends on my mood and if something is going on internally that I'm wrestling with. I'm glad I don't have many deadlines related to painting.
Ahem.
Yes I work on things for other people and I'm guilty of calling friends sometimes to say, "Please-anything, give me something to change or redo. For the love I'm out of stuff in my own house and I'm desperate." Usually they are happy to share.
A long time ago, (long, long,) I told the Lord "yes" when He told me He wanted me. I could easily believe that He wanted and needed me. I mean, I was so lovable. So full of perfection and excitement for Him. So full of life and joy and ideas for showing off I mean showing Him off. I was a heap of pride and I was proud of it. He could've told me to go save countries and I'd have been on board because I saw my great potential.
Bleh.
It's bad enough to think any of that but why tell you, show you where my heart really was? Why not shoot straight-I've got little patience with lots of things y'all know that. Telling you how great I was, (actually how great I thought I was,) shows you a weakness that I'm willing to expose. It's a downfall of mine and I've hated it for a long time. I'm tired of struggling with grace and feeling like I can decide who deserves it.
NOBODY DESERVES IT. LEAST OF ALL ME.
The methods and struggles God has used and allowed, (in that order,) to show me grace are numerous. He had to get real with me because I didn't pick up on subtle lessons. Strip me of what I was always most proud of, that's what He had to do.
Know what that was? What I was most proud of?
Me.
Bleh.
I'm grossing myself out and I know where I'm headed with this y'all. I can only imagine what you must be thinking.
I was a good girl. Never broke rules, (except that one time I wrote my geometry teacher a mean note telling him I wouldn't have cheated on the test if he'd been a better teacher and I wouldn't have HAD TO CHEAT.) Shout out Coach Forrester! He sent that letter back to me a few years ago. Bless his heart. So there's that. Well and the actual cheating I guess. I'm sure I did more than that and if I grew up with you feel free to comment and spill it. Go ahead.
I dare you. Ha!
Ok so I was a good girl. Didn't drink, didn't sneak out, didn't date anyone my parents didn't like, didn't disappoint my parents, and dedicated my life to Christ immediately following high school graduation at summer camp. I was the poster child goody-two-shoes. I wanted approval and everyone to like me, not even just approve. I wanted attention and glory. Boy I was a finely knit masterpiece just waiting to unravel.
So He did what He had to do.
He started allowing some unravelling.
First it was through relationships. Loss, confusion, anger, pain. Ouch.
Then it was my future. Where it once looked secure it was suddenly a mystery. Ministry seemed so cut and dry. I'd lead by example and win people to Christ based on my solid reputation for being perfect. But I wasn't good at it.
Then it was my family. My perfect family. Not perfect. Restored by the grace of God and nothing else I'm very proud to say. (See I can be proud of what God does there's nothing wrong with that. He deserves all glory for restoration. He always did.) I'm getting ahead of myself though..
So after relationships, future, and family came lots of other stuff. College dang near killed me. It was so hard for me to care about school. It was hard to make good grades because I couldn't focus. Shocker. I loved meeting people and going country dancing. In some ways college was the best camp ever complete with dorm room fun. But the school part dampened my college experience. I called home after two weeks and told Mom, "This is the best place ever but I'd like it a lot more if I didn't have to go to class." I was there to win souls y'all! Win souls and two-step! Not go to class!
I wasn't as smart as my siblings which is no news to those of you we grew up with. They are both brilliant. Book smart, great study habits, great discipline. Then, well, there's me. I like to talk and have fun. I never felt smart and kind of hid behind the fact that I had more friends than Graham and Emmy had. I played that up so I wouldn't feel so bad about my grades. First semester of college we threw a party after calling in to get my grades. I passed. That was the party. I passed! Yippeeeee!! My brother? All A's. In finance classes at A & M. He probably took 16 hours and made all A's. 99's and 100's sometimes. Emmy was in grad school then and made all A's too. Every time. After a quick "What the heck," reaction from them they joined in the celebration though. MARY PASSED!! SHE'S GONNA GET TO STAY!! AND DANCE AND MEET PEOPLE!!
So that was that. I volunteered at Breakaway, the big on-campus Bible study there. I loved it. I especially loved being on the discipleship team that got to sit down front so everybody could see them. Bleh. (I know, I know I'm a sick person. I agree.) You know what I didn't like? When they transferred me to the "support" ministry. I worked in the office and messed lots of stuff up. Calls, messages, faxes, CD's, I messed it all up. I was a joke, in more ways than I even realized at the time. I was terrible at behind the scenes ministry. I wanted to be up front! Not in an office showing my inability to do anything administrative! Come on God get with the program!
He didn't care about my program.
You getting it? He cared about my ugly prideful heart. That's ALL He cared about.
I'm running out of time today to tell you more about the ins and outs of how He's shown me and is currently showing me grace but there's one more thing to say.
I'm ready for Him to be done so I can just go home with Him. This stuff is painful. Maybe I'm so hard-hearted that He will leave me here learning a whole lot longer and for my kids' sake I hope I am here. In my heart, though, I just want Him. I want Him all the time and I need Him all the time. All I've learned these past 34 years is that I screw it up and I am not gonna figure it out on my own. Even the goody two shoes I was couldn't win souls and show people what He's really about. It's me screwing it all up, dealing with pain and watching people suffer that shows me--us--that we need Him, that gives Him glory. So rather than deal with disappointment and ugliness and shame and greed forever I'd prefer to be home with Him but maybe that's the biggest thing He's been needing from me. Dependence on Him for air, for healing. Dependence on Him for love. For grace. For trust and patience.
Just a little something I wanted to admit today.
I don't get it Lord. When will I be done learning? When will You be done with me, your ADD goody two shoes wounded and confused follower? Will You finish me, your project, soon so I can just sit back and relax? Lord we both know You won't. Just give me You today, Lord. Give me You to help me deal with this crud. I can't do this without You. I'm sorry for ever trying to and for the pride I so often use against You. Heal me as only You can. I love You and will never understand what You see in me to keep fighting for me. Show me, Lord how to show grace. Show me where to comfort. Show me and teach me how to lift people up today. Amen.

I'm a smoker

Y'all totally bought it didn't you?

If you could hear me talk you'd put money on me smoking a few packs a day right now. In truth I have no idea why I sound like this.

Allergies? A cold? Exhaustion? Y'all pick one and please somebody being me meds for it!

On another note, we went to the zoo yesterday. The zoo at the zoo.



The tour guide. Shocker.


Yikes


Hello there





Yikes


Yep eyes closed. Just noticed. You're welcome.


My kids are brave souls


The monorail is still their favorite part


Joy's thumb is her favorite part actually. I've even started threatening the metal contraption the dentist will put in her mouth to make her stop and you know what she does?

Cries. Sobs. Puts her thumb in her mouth. Stops crying. The cycle continues.

Whatever.

I'm a really good parent as you know.

When they ask for my phone

I usually let them have it if it's to take a picture of something. Sometimes it's nothing spectacular.

Sometimes it is.



This poor cat. She's been busy catching snakes (in the house--live ones) see



mice, rats, and grasshoppers so she relaxes at the end of a long day and look what happens to her.

My life is not normal.