Can I do this?

This weekend I got to spend lots of time thinking. I went away with two of my friends (the kind that have known you since you were so little you don't remember how little you were when you actually met.) The kids stayed home with mom and dad and never missed me. Those were mom's words not mine :)

Off I went into the world without thinking about the responsibilities at home. We ate without interruption(!!!!) and walked around looking in windows. We just hung out. And for the first few hours I felt guilty. Am I allowed to just relax and enjoy a trip like this? Which turned into: Am I allowed to stop living in survival mode? Is it wrong to wish I could knock the pain out just like I knock my punching bag out? Did I tell y'all I have a punching bag now? Well I do and it's awesome. I also have pink boxing gloves. I hit it hard and I hit it often. So when you hear/read about all that God has done to provide healing in my heart know that it is absolutely true-all true healing comes from Him. But I also feel angry. I feel betrayed on the deepest level and I feel true anger. The kind that you feel justified in and left alone can do great damage. Early on after Sean died I talked to my brother about a punching bag and he was all for it so I got one. I knew that feeling angry, (can I just call it mad?) was fine and that it wasn't wrong. I also knew if I didn't talk about it and didn't do something with it I'd be in trouble. Hence the punching bag...

So back to this weekend. I stood outside of a store with cute dresses and shoes and thought, "Can I do this? Can I start living again and planning for the future with my kids? Can I start going places and really trying to enjoy life again?"

I can tell you this: before I could ask my friends some of these questions I knew the answer.

Yes, you can deal with what's coming. You can live again and feel the wind on your face and not be afraid. You can stand on your own two feet by yourself and teach these kids about Me. Because I made you and I love you. I will help you figure it all out. And great news! I already have it all figured out! You just give me your anger, give me your hurt, and even give me your loneliness. I can handle it all. I will give you hope again. It's in Me that you have peace. I will give you what you need and even some of the things that you want. I gave you life and I will keep giving it to you. New life, life where you and the kids will know joy again. You'll know it through Me and you'll tell people about Me. You don't have to feel alone. Ever. I am always with you. So yes, you can do this!

To which I answered, "Okay. That's all I needed to hear."

God really is who He says He is. Healer. Defender. Finisher. Stronghold. Lord. Savior. And He is enough.