Last night I bought Priscilla Shirer's book God is Able on a whim. As she writes at the beginning, people grab the book because they may be wondering if...well...He really IS able.
I admit I was hoping not to see anybody as I bought it. So stupid! No one expects me to have great faith all the time but I want to exhibit absolute trust in God in all things. I so badly want to know and believe that He is Able. So badly. But lately I just haven't. I've seen the list of things I've asked Him for and haven't gotten and the people I've asked Him to heal who haven't gotten better. I've been doubting Him more than usual. Satan has been loving it.
Now, I know that the author would agree with me when I say that the book wasn't in itself the key to opening the door to a renewed faith. Her goal in writing it was not to get any credit. On the contrary-she expresses over and over in the book that it is Scripture, prayer, and worship that she hopes to redirect us, the readers, to. Back to Him, not to her.
I started the book at 9:30. Finished it sometime really late and sobbed throughout it. I haven't read a book in a long time. I love to read-truly. Lately I just didn't care to learn anything.
(Wonder where my kids get it?)
Quick story-- A few weeks ago Ty greeted me after school with, "Mom I have bad news...I got on yellow today." Their behavior chart system at school is easy to understand...green is good, blue is better, then purple then pink is the highest mark. It's rare that they get pink and it's usually cause for an immediate reward after school. Apparently my kids don't initiate cleaning up or helping others. (I'm so proud.) Ahem. Green, yes often. Blue occasionally. They know that yellow, orange and red mean they are not obeying at school on some level. Yellow is like a yellow light. "Get it together or else." He's never come home with yellow beside his name. A few times he's gotten on yellow but he's improved and worked hard to get back up to green before the end of the day.
Ok so he greets me with the "bad news," and I say, "Well what happened?" His sweet hilarious teacher was standing beside me and she wondered too since she had a sub in the classroom while she tested the kids that day. We both stood there looking at him, clearly disappointed.
"Well Ty, what happened?"
Ok y'all back up a minute. I'm a bad storyteller apparently because I forgot another part. I'm too tired to go back so just bear with me.
Like you have a choice.
About two months ago Ty decided he was tired of doing work at school. He said it was just too much work in 1st grade and he was all done. That didn't fly with anyone in his life so I had to really crack down on him at home and get him back on track. For a long time I greeted him with, "Did you finish your work today? That's your job, honey, so do everything that your teacher tells you without whining"...blah blah blah.
So back to my story.
Ty looks me square in the eye then shifts to his teacher, then back to me.
His response to my asking, "Well Ty what happened?"
He shrugged his shoulders and said, "Well I didn't stop playing a game when she told me to."
"Oh Ty so you really didn't obey the sub? Oh boy that's disrespectful. That's not good honey." (Me talking)
And then he said,
"I DID ALL MY WORK WHAT MORE DO Y'ALL WANT FROM ME?"
So like any good parent I busted a gut laughing.
So did his teacher.
Houston I think we found the problem.
Shift gears. You still with me?
I read the book in one sitting which is my preferred way to read. I zone out and get hyper focussed and can soak it all in. When I was done I closed the book and simply said,
"I'm sorry Lord. I haven't believed. Or cared to believe. I haven't even thought of You working or how You're involved in my life lately. I've just been on a hamster wheel, grasping for things daily to occupy my mind. I've doubted Your sovereignty. I've doubted my worth. It's never been so hard to break this cycle before. You can do it. I know You can. Open my heart again, Lord. Heal me. I know that what I've been doing isn't a solution but a distraction. The answer has always been You."
It's like I'd forgotten to pray with honesty. There have been times of prayer where my walls were down and I knew He listened. That's not the problem.
I doubted that He would listen and then ACT. Change something, move something. I even doubted that He was capable of intervening. I guess I let Satan convince me that I wasn't worth listening to. Not worth rescuing. Every fear we have as women.
the fear not being heard
of not being cherished
of not being pursued
even the fear of not being visible
I've believed it all.
The only way to combat these deeply rooted, (nothing new, they are some of the top things women have struggled with historically,) fears is to read my Bible and pray honestly. And you'd better believe I'm going to pray with what He's done and what He alone has accomplished in Scripture in mind. Forget focussing on what I can't do. I'm gonna focus on what HE CAN DO.