One Thousand Gifts

I started re-reading Ann Voskamp's book One Thousand Gifts on this trip and had to share what I just read.

"Paul had twice said it, and I mustn't forget it. He said he had to learn. And learning requires practice--sometimes even mind-numbing practice. C.S. Lewis said it too, to a man looking for fullest life: "If you think of this world as a place intended simply for our happiness, you find it quite intolerable: think of it as a place of training and correction and it's not so bad." It might even be good."

We are having a wonderful, fun, happy time on our trip. The kids have done better than ever this year, and I'm grateful to God for that. Lots of pictures coming your way soon!

Here and now

Fighting fear

Fears

Flying

Flying by myself with the kids

Flying by myself with the kids on any remotely small plane

Did I say flying

I faced them. I conquered them. And I'm here, at home to tell all about it. Gasp. I survived.

So I faced a few at one time, head-on, sometimes timid and even regretful that I didn't have a back-up plan. I did it though, and accomplishment has never felt so rewarding. I did something I thought I'd never be brave enough to do. I mean I'd have never been brave enough before this. I'm learning that maybe my fears don't have to make me, well, fearful.

Worst case scenario has sort of happened. I feared being on my own. Done. I feared losing someone I love. Happened. I feared being helpless to solve a problem. Done happened. Sorry spellcheck. (And Emmy, and all you other grammar-lovers) I feared rejection by my spouse. Done. I feared abandonment. Happened. You're getting it now, right?

Lots of my fears have become my reality in the last six months. Out of nowhere my world flipped on its side with no feasible way of flipping it back up. Fear has stood on my doorstep and knocked. I'm not gonna lie I've welcomed it at times. Shoot I've rolled out the carpet for it. I've said, "Well why not! I've got nothing more to fight you with, I'm drained of all resolve. Fear, you're an old friend and right now I need old friends. You're known, comfortable, and ready to take hold."

But.

(sorry again Emmy.)

If you're new here Emmy is my older sister, who has been a teacher, tutor, and overall grammar ninja since birth.

Anyway.

I was warned and warned about letting fear have a foothold. I knew and guarded but I gave up one night a few days ago. Fear of losing another person, another life, it swept over me. The exact time it hit me was the night I put two of my kids on a plane without me. I hugged them and sent them off. Lord was I a mess. I longed for arms of comfort, a shoulder to lean on and as He often does God was who showed up. Not another person to talk me back into sanity or put band-aids on my wounds. In my mom and dad's defense it was in the middle of the night and i didn't wake them. Fear usually strikes us in the night, you know. And especially in mommas.

I was alone and asked for help. So it was just Him. Just Himself, strong and steady. Ready to go into battle for me, (oh girls we do love a strong Savior!)

This was our conversation:


Give Me the fear, Mary.

but i can't help it. no one blames me for having it and no one is going to say that i'm being irrational. i deserve to feel afraid.

But I conquer fear. With Me there is nothing to fear.

there are things i can't bear to lose, Lord. i don't have anything left to overcome pain. and there's so much left to lose.

Yes. All people I have given you. All my children, all within my realm of control.

but how can i live without fear of losing them? Uh...You were on duty the day Sean died. (expecting uncomfortable silence)

Yes I was. And I am. And now he's with Me and no longer in pain.

and here I am.

Here you are.

just me and You? can i really do it? I mean fear is just so normal. I'm so comfortable with it.

Just you and Me. In Me there is no fear. It's gonna take laying down your fears every day, maybe more than once. It'll be hard but worth it. I can show you the depth of my love and provision for you, but only once fear is removed.

Okay.

Did I hear you right?

Ha! Yes, okay.


So I've started the process that will be a daily thing for the rest of my life. Fighting fear with faith, fighting distrust with Truth. It'll be hard and I'll mess up. I'm sure there will be a time when I think it's hopeless but I'm gonna try. You know why? Living in fear isn't very fun at all.

You're welcome.

Working men

Pictures speak volumes

Ty and Charlie love swim lessons. Joy does not. The End.

The things we do for our health

Since I'm not afraid of heights, (except the heights involving airplanes,) I'm the new filter changer. What was the builder thinking putting it way up there I ask you?????

Off to day 2 of swim lessons. Yesterday we were 2 for 3 on actually swimming. Joy wasn't having it. Wish her teacher luck!

Happy

You know how you feel after a good nights sleep? The way that anything that comes your way seems like an easy task? When you open your eyes in the morning and think, "Man I feel good. I feel rested and ready...before my alarm clock, (aka 3 year-old)

You ever had one of those days?

Well today I did and it was awesome. It's the little things that make me happy. The little things like getting ten straight hours of sleep.

Glory.

We are all doing pretty well this week. There are things to look forward to that are so fun for all of us, even the grandparents. One set gets the week off soon, (bet ten straight hours of sleep is high on their goal list!) and the other set gets us round the clock!!!!!!! Extra !!!!!!!! for them right?

Praying for comfort and peace has made me feel as whole as I suppose is possible right now. I get very sad some days still and usually it's out of nowhere. But I feel happy lots of days too. Between me and you I wondered of I'd feel happy ever again. The weight of this whole thing is so heavy I wasn't sure if simple happiness was possible. Joy, hard fought and dependent on Jesus, yes. True joy and happiness aren't the same thing, you know. Happiness can leave quickly in the face of adversity. It can fade. I know that these days it may come and go like the wind but I'm glad (happy) when I feel it. So yeah, I'm happy. I'm looking at a suitcase filled with swimsuits and pj's. Lots of fun ahead! No, not immediately...I'm kinda known for packing way in advance...but soon.

Thanks for hanging in there with me. Good days, lots and lots of them I hope, are coming.