Saturday, June 9, 2012

Fighting fear

Fears

Flying

Flying by myself with the kids

Flying by myself with the kids on any remotely small plane

Did I say flying

I faced them. I conquered them. And I'm here, at home to tell all about it. Gasp. I survived.

So I faced a few at one time, head-on, sometimes timid and even regretful that I didn't have a back-up plan. I did it though, and accomplishment has never felt so rewarding. I did something I thought I'd never be brave enough to do. I mean I'd have never been brave enough before this. I'm learning that maybe my fears don't have to make me, well, fearful.

Worst case scenario has sort of happened. I feared being on my own. Done. I feared losing someone I love. Happened. I feared being helpless to solve a problem. Done happened. Sorry spellcheck. (And Emmy, and all you other grammar-lovers) I feared rejection by my spouse. Done. I feared abandonment. Happened. You're getting it now, right?

Lots of my fears have become my reality in the last six months. Out of nowhere my world flipped on its side with no feasible way of flipping it back up. Fear has stood on my doorstep and knocked. I'm not gonna lie I've welcomed it at times. Shoot I've rolled out the carpet for it. I've said, "Well why not! I've got nothing more to fight you with, I'm drained of all resolve. Fear, you're an old friend and right now I need old friends. You're known, comfortable, and ready to take hold."

But.

(sorry again Emmy.)

If you're new here Emmy is my older sister, who has been a teacher, tutor, and overall grammar ninja since birth.

Anyway.

I was warned and warned about letting fear have a foothold. I knew and guarded but I gave up one night a few days ago. Fear of losing another person, another life, it swept over me. The exact time it hit me was the night I put two of my kids on a plane without me. I hugged them and sent them off. Lord was I a mess. I longed for arms of comfort, a shoulder to lean on and as He often does God was who showed up. Not another person to talk me back into sanity or put band-aids on my wounds. In my mom and dad's defense it was in the middle of the night and i didn't wake them. Fear usually strikes us in the night, you know. And especially in mommas.

I was alone and asked for help. So it was just Him. Just Himself, strong and steady. Ready to go into battle for me, (oh girls we do love a strong Savior!)

This was our conversation:


Give Me the fear, Mary.

but i can't help it. no one blames me for having it and no one is going to say that i'm being irrational. i deserve to feel afraid.

But I conquer fear. With Me there is nothing to fear.

there are things i can't bear to lose, Lord. i don't have anything left to overcome pain. and there's so much left to lose.

Yes. All people I have given you. All my children, all within my realm of control.

but how can i live without fear of losing them? Uh...You were on duty the day Sean died. (expecting uncomfortable silence)

Yes I was. And I am. And now he's with Me and no longer in pain.

and here I am.

Here you are.

just me and You? can i really do it? I mean fear is just so normal. I'm so comfortable with it.

Just you and Me. In Me there is no fear. It's gonna take laying down your fears every day, maybe more than once. It'll be hard but worth it. I can show you the depth of my love and provision for you, but only once fear is removed.

Okay.

Did I hear you right?

Ha! Yes, okay.


So I've started the process that will be a daily thing for the rest of my life. Fighting fear with faith, fighting distrust with Truth. It'll be hard and I'll mess up. I'm sure there will be a time when I think it's hopeless but I'm gonna try. You know why? Living in fear isn't very fun at all.

You're welcome.



2 comments:

Heather said...

Amazing words Mary... thank you for sharing them and for sharing your journey. You probably have no idea how much your candidness ministers to others (me).

"I can show you the depth of my love and provision for you, but only once fear is removed."

I think I need that tatooed on the back of my hand. Love you friend.

Mary said...

Thank you sweet Heather. Maybe I'll get a matching tattoo :)