I had counseling today so all I have left is pictures

Friends who drive an hour to visit and let me nap while they watch all of the kids AND clean: priceless.


Fabric (finally) for my chair project


Finished product/project. It turns out I'm really not very good with the staple gun


Happy baby, happy lunch catching up with happy baby's momma.

The End.

Cheetos

Sometimes I eat Cheetos for breakfast. And dinner.

Well okay and also lunch.

They're the baked ones, y'all don't need to worry.




This morning Charlie woke up with high fever and a sore throat. After a morning trip to Irving to the pediatrician's office, meds for her, and lots of sunshine for me, we are calling it a day.

It's 7:15 pm.

Awesome I know. Bonus: my throat hurts and I'm pretty sure my ear is starting to hurt too.

Again, awesome.

One day at a time, Lord. That's what I'm asking for-just help me get through one day at a time.

Good night y'all.

First time for everything

First time holding a baby goat


First haircut by baby goat


First orange tractor ride


First blue one


She said, "Mommy dis one orange not gween" that a girl. We have lived in the country for two months and she knows her John Deere equipment. And we don't even own one.


First dance in a horse trailer


First funnel cake


First time kissing funnel cake.

She's her mother's daughter.


First life-sized light bright


First attempt at being an engineer


Not a first...but just showing you what we did today. Sean's mom and dad came to spend the day with us and we all had a wonderful time with them. I'm grateful that they helped with some of the questions the kids ask...otherwise it would have been a really hard day. Today there were lots of questions. Keep praying for direction y'all. You'd think that at their ages they couldn't stump me yet. Not the case.

Ahem.


First time writing his whole name in front of me. He said he's done it lots of times before today???????????but it's definitely the first time I've seen it.

I'm one proud momma.

Been up to no good

A girl like me just needs to paint things and tear things down when I'm sad. (I paid someone strong/skilled to knock the cabinet down actually) but the painting? All me.

Painting a perfectly good brown table and chairs suits me just fine right now. It's my project, my "hmmm maybe that'd be cool" idea. Actually I saw it on a blog and copied it. I mean, I tell y'all the truth.

Our days are all over the map, and our feelings are even crazier. My counselor suggested returning to a routine for the kids sake and I honestly had to think through what the heck I used to do around here. It's no wonder my kids have tried pretty much every tactic to drive me bananas. So...my new goal is to get us into a new groove. A different because life is different groove where the kids know what to expect and they can start rebuilding trust again. See, here's one of my big struggles-they are afraid I'm going to leave and go live in Heaven too. They can't understand why if Daddy did why wouldn't I?

God help me and I'm not being funny. I've prayed, "Really God help me. How do I handle this? How can I mend this?" And His answer is this: just be here. Day in, day out, nothing spectacular-just be here. I'm gonna fight the temptation to run away and hide. If I have to fight it every single day then i will. I'm gonna show up when I say I'm gonna show up and let them see that I'm here, (probably) crazy painting and all.

Maybe I'll even turn them loose with their own paint, who knows.

Oh boy.

It's a zoo

We went to the zoo last week and I honestly don't remember which day...such is life these days.























Ft Worth Zoo, thank you for the best day in a while. We'll be back soon.

Truth always wins

I feel like I'm fighting a battle too great for me to face. Truth says that I will never stand alone. I feel like there will never be rest again in my heart. Truth says He will give me true rest, every time I need it. I feel like the burden of teaching my kids about who God really is and can be to them is on my (currently) weary shoulders. Truth says He knows every hair on their heads and loves them more than I do. Truth says He is showing them who He is when I can't. I feel stranded in a place where I can't control my fears, where even driving without my kids in the car is hard. I feel like if I leave them, even for a moment, they will be stranded too-trapped in fear. Truth says I can believe and trust Him for protection. Truth says that living in fear is not living in God's presence. And truth says I can live in His presence all the time. Every step I take is with Him, and I'm never alone. Truth is strong enough to stand with and stand on.

When I have a good day, of course the head knowledge is easy to believe. I feel like I can do it, this life here without Sean. When it's a hard day, I can cling to what I know to be the Truth and beg Him for mercy. Even then, He is there. He was never on a break, never out of sight. I feel that desperation and that isn't wrong. In fact, it's how I find my way to His feet again. Help me, Lord. I feel abandoned. Your Truth says I'm never alone, that You are with me. That You are the arms around me, helping me.

And THAT is the Truth.

I will Rise

There are few songs that I can listen to right now without launching into an ugly cry. This is one of them, and once you hear the words you can see why-there is hope in what God has for us. He will end this mess one day and we'll live with Him without confusion, sadness, or pain. We will finally be HOME.

Friends

I'm very grateful for our friends. Sending a meal, entertaining the kids, you name it, it's been offered. Thanking God for friends today!


Ty and his friend David, who is three weeks older. They built this tower together during our venture to Carley's house a few weeks back.




Here's Cody, Carley's little man. Our kids all think they're cousins. Fine by me :)

Just pictures

Life keeps on moving. Sometimes I just stand still. As long as God stands with me I figure that's ok. Thank you for praying. Please don't stop.

Just keep swimming

The last two days my emotions have been all over the map. I get really tired and cranky then I feel rejuvenated and prayed over-my attitude changes. I plow through a few hours of doing normal things then I crash into a crying mess. I preheat the oven then call and order a pizza. I have no memory. There are half eaten packages of crackers and half empty sippy cups everywhere. Actually that describes most homes with little kids. Never mind. My parents are staying with me for now, (so thankful) and I still feel like a hamster on a wheel. I mean how did I manage to meet the needs of three kids without anyone feeling neglected? Or did I? Good Lord y'all I don't remember.

Hi I'm Mary and I'm even more like Dori than I thought. Is that how you spell Dori? (The blue fish in Finding Nemo) How is it that I missed this comparison before now?

Anyway.

In recent sports news Ty has suddenly shown interest in the Mavericks. My first suspicion was that he only cared when it was a late game, (when he should be sleeping.) I thought he was just stalling when he asked to watch the game. Then he asked me to record one for him and I did. He sat and watched it in the middle of the afternoon and gave me his own version of a basketball commentary. Keep in mind that he doesn't know anything about basketball, which makes his commentary awesome.

I can't write about our day without telling y'all about a few funny and a few hard moments.

Funny:

"Joy, do you need a new diaper?" "No. I not. I go on the potty." "Great, let's go to the potty." "I need new diaper." (me and Joy)

"Ty said he's the bigger brother and I'm the little brother but I'm not a brother I'm a sister and that makes me sad that he said that. I think a starburst would help me stop being sad." (Charlie)

"Mom, I think I want a cat." "No, now's not the best time to get a new pet." "Why?" "Well because if we get a kitten or a puppy it might get out of the house when one of you leaves the door open." "Mom, I'll make sure Ty and Joy keep the door shut so we can get a cat. We could just go get it tomorrow." (Charlie=the constant door-opening bandit)

"No, I don't like pancakes. I don't want a pancake. How about pizza for breakfast?" "Sure, okay." "But Mom, I changed my mind. I think I'll have sweet tarts instead for my breakfast. Yeah, that's a good plan." (Ty)

The sad ones, (aka what keeps me asking God for help every second,)

"Mom, does Max miss Daddy too?"
"Can we FaceTime Daddy in Heaven?"
"Do you think we can visit Heaven when I get a little bigger? I'd get carsick if we try to go now."
"What do you think Daddy eats for breakfast in Heaven?"

My favorite today:

"Look at my picture Mommy it's beautiful. I think I'll go show Daddy!" "Honey, remember Daddy lives in Heaven? You can talk to him when we pray but he's not at home, remember?" "Okay mom I'll just show him when we pray after we brush our teeth. He can see my picture from Heaven. I made it really big on the paper."

Lord, be near. I don't want to miss a second of talking to them about Heaven and hearing their questions but sometimes it stings so bad it's hard to breathe. Sometimes (often) I want to climb in bed and stay there. But then somebody needs me so I realize that I need to keep moving, keep walking. One minute at a time, that's my motto. That's all God expects from me, just to keep on trying. Or just keep swimming, in my case.

Good night y'all. Thanks for listening. Please don't stop praying!

If the Lord is present, so is HOPE

Yesterday two life-long friends came to visit. We laughed so hard my stomach hurt. I can't tell you how good it felt to wake up during the night to sore abs--not from crying or a serious workout (um...no)...but from laughter. Thank You, Lord.

We went to church today mainly because my kids begged me to go. It's amazing to hear their requests--to want to go to church over watching (another) Veggie Tales video or a trip to the donut store. I did alright as we walked in and even as we started to sing. Then the lump in my throat grew as I read the words on the screen:

What can make me whole again? Nothing but the blood of Jesus.

Oh Lord I feel so weak and tiny, (not in the way we girls like to feel tiny,) but small and broken. There is a void in my house, a huge void that even the most well-meaning people can't fill. Sean is gone. The worst kind of gone too-the kind you didn't get to say goodbye to. The kind you didn't get a say in even though your lives are intertwined in every way. So there is a void. Something missing, something I fight the urge to fill just so it won't be so painful to look at. I know the truth-that Sean is in heaven with Jesus and feeling no more sadness or pain. I know that he is whole and feeling nothing but the love and joy of being with God Himself. This does bring me comfort because I love him. The knowledge is there and though there's a mighty big gap between what I know and what I feel, I'm glad I have the Truth to go back to.

But.

Normal life is missing. Normal schedules, (mostly set up by Sean, let's just be honest) are missing. Thankfully hope isn't. I flipped through my Bible tonight and of course found something immediately helpful. It's from my Soul Care Bible, which is a Bible full of key passages relating to the struggles we face with... well...struggles. The things people fear most or succumb to most easily, and in this case, this passage is about despair.

Jeremiah 29:11-13
The Other Side of Despair

The word hopeless has no place in a believer's vocabulary. If the Lord is present, so is hope. God's Word offers hope:

*Regardless of how dark or desperate a situation seems, hope abides (1 Corinth 13:13) This means we should hold tightly to our hope.

*Our hope is anchored in Jesus Christ (1 Pet 3:15,16); thus it is able to withstand any attack.

*Nothing can separate us from the love of God (Rom 8: 38,39) and the hope He brings. Any problem, situation, or affliction we face pales in comparison with the power of the Lord who can help us overcome it.

We must learn to look beyond our immediate circumstances, beyond the worry and despair that so easily grip us, and toward the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. That light is the hope that God gives us in His Word. That hope, that confident expectation, can carry us through.

(SoulCare Bible, Key Passage)

I'm still not doing well at responding to calls or texts. I'm sorry. I know y'all understand but I want you to know that I do read what you write and feel comforted and loved. Thank you.

Gracie

We are staying with Sean's parents tonight and Joy has fallen in love.


Her name is Gracie. And she's very very patient with Joy. God love her!

Back in the saddle

Hi y'all. Words have been just out of reach until now. As much as writing helps me, it's been very hard to think of a way to put how I feel into words. Mainly because even as a counselor I'm feeling combinations of emotions I've never heard of. Some days I want to just post a picture of the kids jumping on the trampoline. So that's what I'll do. Other days you'll get an earful. (or technically, an eyeful)

I have a point. I'm saying hi. And I'm saying thank you.

God is still here. He is working everything I've felt and experienced for His glory. I don't know what that means. He doesn't tell me audibly what happens next. But He shows me love through people. He shows me joy through my kids. I know that people are praying for the specifics in my life right now, day by day. I don't ignore your texts or emails telling me that you are praying. I read them. I cry and cry in thankfulness. I feel stronger because I know you're really praying. He hasn't rescued me from this heartache but He hasn't left me without hope either. It's a path that I didn't see coming and one I would have never chosen. But it's what He has for me. And because I have three little kids who need me, I don't have the choice to take this path or a different one. I've got my hope, my only hope, wrapped firmly around who He is. And I'm surviving. The kids are too.

Ah the kids. They are doing well. Everybody started school today (Ty in PPCD, same program as the past few years,) and the girls are in MDO. Aside from the occasional, (regular,) tense moment getting them ready for school in the morning, today went really well. Ty loved his new school and his teacher seems just perfect for him. We all miss his old teacher terribly, especially now. More than once I've thought about kidnapping her and bringing her here to teach him. I'm not sure how that would fit into God's plan but I'm thinking it's not a totally closed door. Or maybe it is since she laughed- even snorted-at the thought when I mentioned it to her before we left. She's a city girl, she said. Her family would never speak to her again if she uprooted them and brought them to the sticks. Oh well. Maybe one day.

This brings me to my other point: I am so glad we are here, in the town that holds so many memories for me. What a sweet history to share with my kids. True joy radiates from so many here, and everyone has gone out of their way to try to help. It's a community like no other. I love being here and looking toward the future here. The future-It's not gonna look at all like what I thought it would. It has been a rough, almost unbearable start. But like I said, God is with me and He's gonna be here every step of the way.

I love you all. Please keep praying for my family. We aren't to the, "Oh no, no prayers needed...we are good!" phase yet. It's not easy at all but we have God's peace to look forward to. That's enough for now to sustain us.

And now it's past my bedtime. Good night y'all.