I'm nearing the end of my massive paint projects around the house.
So far I like everything I've done.
I only have one Type-A personality living in my house who is bothered by the chaos resulting from my projects.
He is five years old.
There is almost always a Ranger game on at night once the kids are in bed.
We have met with a new counselor a few times and all of us really like her.
She only charges a small fee when you miss an appointment because it never occurred to you that you had counseling on Monday at 3:00.
In order to finish my biggest painting project to date I'll have to conquer my fear of removing cabinet doors.
I don't know how to remove cabinet doors.
I also don't know how to properly repaint cabinets at all.
Any time I don't know how to do something I ask for help.
My first person to ask for help about something like this isn't here.
And he's not gonna be here.
Suddenly painting cabinets takes on a life of its own.
Suddenly it's a symbol of what I have ahead of me.
Something I want to hand off to someone else but I know only I can do it.
And I'm exhausted.
My kids are not trusting me to come home when I leave.
After almost six months I thought this part would be better and it's worse.
I miss him. We all miss him. How do you move through a life you shared with someone and make sense of things when they aren't here anymore?
I'm mad and sad and frustrated and tired and struggling. When I get ready to tackle a project it intensifies all of these things but I can't stop doing projects. When I focus on something in front of me I put my energy into it so that my mind can't wander. As I paint I focus on the good that will come from what I'm doing. The beauty. The change that I can make happen in a matter of minutes. I listen to music sometimes and other times I enjoy the quiet. I always pray. I ask God to show me the good things that He will bring from this mess. I wait for Him to speak. Then I look at what I'm capable of. I don't make perfect things. Far from it. I just help things have a new life. And it feels good to do that since we are kind of doing the same thing now. I love the promises that God has given me for that very thing-a new life. One where I can sit in the midst of the greatest heartache I have ever or hopefully will ever know and feel like I can go on. There is a life here that will pale in comparison to the life lived with Him one day. I can live through a lot more knowing that this isn't all there is. There is so much more to live for, not even just for my kids. There are people living in this same heartache who can't breathe and don't even want to anymore. They feel the same emotions I feel but there is a huge void--hope--that is missing. I'm not sure how I'll manage to tell them all about Jesus but I know that God doesn't need me to figure that out. He will show me.
So, there you have it-the good, bad, ugly, and the update. Thank y'all for praying :)