Memorial Day

It's memorial day and I'm sitting outside watching my kids have the time of their lives. They swim, get out to eat, swim again, dry off, eat again, switch swimsuits, swim, dry off and eat again approximately 32 times a day.

And I'm thankful they can. I'm thankful for blue cheese burgers and Cheetos for lunch. And I'm really thankful for bread n butter pickles.

I'm thankful for frivolous things today and it feels great. Not just thankful for hope and strength and a new day that brings me closer to eternity with Jesus-I've been thankful for those things the last few months and not much else honestly. "Just get me through Lord," I've prayed.

Nope, not today. I'm thankful for lots of little stuff, little mindless stuff. Like pickles and swimming pools. When I typed that it said 'poops' so I have another thing to be thankful for-no swimming poops yet. It's kinda life-changing to be done with swim diapers. Bank account changing for sure.

Anyway.

I'm thankful for every soldier who gives up their life so I can be here thinking about frivolous things. And this year my heart aches for people whose soldier didn't come home. Sometimes when I meet people and tell them I'm a widow they ask if he was in the military. (He was not,) but I always think about the wives and husbands whose answer is yes. I fear I'll tackle them with hugs now when I meet them. Oh Lord have mercy. Today is a day to lift them up in prayer and shower people with hugs. To say thank you and God bless you.

Death has changed me. It's changed me in a way nothing ever had before. I can't watch a movie or even read a book about someone dying without sobbing. My heart has felt that despair so I don't want anyone else to feel it. I feel a compassion I've never felt before and there's no going back. No turning this off. Maybe I'll be a sap the rest of my life, which is okay. Like the kind of girl who cries at Hallmark commercials, the girl I used to make fun of. Yes, yes I'm that girl now. And that's okay. I'm here. I'm still fighting. I'm given this life to live and these kids to raise. This family to share it with. This dog to complain about. Oh, and two kittens to add to the mix in the next week or two.

Circus?

Yes.

Dancing mixed into the mourning?

Yes.

I'm off to eat more pickles.