Sunday, May 6, 2012


Ty just fell asleep beside me. I'm relieved since he's been vomiting for the last few hours and he seems to be improving. I don't know where I'd be without the help of my parents. It took all three of us to get the girls to bed while trying to help Ty. Being sick scares him so badly. It scares all kids I'm sure but he seems to be so anxious about it that I feel just awful for him. I hate that his daddy, the one he always preferred, isn't here to help him. I wonder if Ty thinks this too. He used to say that all the time right at first but it's tapered off. I don't know what breaks my heart more-that he either thinks it but doesn't say so or that he's forgotten how much he needed his daddy. Yeah, both are awful.

This morning at church was rough. The pastor started a new series about marriage and though I knew it was coming it was still excruciating. It was a great sermon and I was able to separate myself from the hard parts until the end. That's when he told the husbands in the room to stand and take a vow to lead their wives. To pray over them and protect them. Once I let my guard down to pray the tears started flowing.

They didn't stop. I've found that by opening my heart to the Lord I can feel the intensity of my emotions and while it's of course good to let the real emotions out today was just too much. The combination of putting it all out there, the stress of this last week, plus the sadness I felt during the prayer paralyzed me. I couldn't leave, I couldn't move. I sat there, right beside a good friend who I knew was mortified this was happening, and I just sobbed. I tried to stay quiet, which we all know is impossible when you're trying to do it. Like people at church would care, right? Anyway.

I listened to the words the men were saying to their wives and thought, "You left. You did all of these things and more but where are you now? Our kids are in shambles every time I leave the house. They wake up asking for me to make sure I haven't left. The fear in them has grown, not gone away. This is crunch time and you left me. You served me, led me, gave me security, and you gave us your greatest commitment. But you left. And I'm alone. I'm not a wife anymore. I'm a mom left here with a job created for two people. My heart hurts and you're not here to comfort me. I'm not mad at you I'm just so overwhelmed with what you left. I need help."

My friend instantly hugged me when the prayer was over and she said, "I know that must have been terribly hard for you and I prayed for you the whole way through it. You survived it Mary."

I was relieved right away, though I still couldn't stop crying. Not only did she comfort me right away she invited me and the kids to go with her to lunch. She and her husband laughed with the kids and helped give me time to recover. Then the day got busy and I was thankful for the distractions.

But all day deep down I have been thinking about the prayer. What cut so deep this morning has actually been comforting throughout the day. Mainly because Sean did those things. He knew who God is and was sure of his role in our house. He did pray over me and encourage me, leading me to a place of safety. He served me and did all that I ever needed so the loss is profound.

Just now as I teared up again thinking about it, a wonderful thing happened. In a way only God could show me I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. I saw Jesus, standing guard over me just as Sean used to. Offering Himself. Offering help.


Jenny Seymore said...

I am constantly overwhelmed at your strength and clarity in the midst of what is more difficult than I can begin to wrap my mind around. You are and will continue to be someone that is a light for others and I'm proud to call you friend. Our prayers for you continue. I hope Ty feels better soon and that your struggles become easier and fewer.

Mommarazzi said...

Praying for strength, peace, for the kids' fear, rest and help.
I hope Ty is feeling better!

Lindsey said...

Love you. Praying sweet friend.

Emmy said...

It seems to me that it stings worse to have had a wonderful, protective husband who's gone than to never have had one at all. I am so sorry for all that hurts.

Carley said...

Love you sweet friend! It's hard to watch you hurt! Thanks for your honesty!

Allison Jenkins Armstrong said...

you blow minds. God is already doing it.