When you get the news you dreaded

Well we got the news we've dreaded. It's cancer. Stage 1, which is the best type to have. It's the smallest area, the best shot at full recovery.

But it's cancer. The day mom got the call that she needed to go into the office to talk about the pathology report we knew. Her Dr calls her to tell her what he can so if it had been clear he'd have just called. My heart sank when she said, "We have to go in to see him. He said we have to talk about the results."

Oh Lord. Help me keep it together. Keep fear at bay. My toughest battle.

I put Mom and Dad into one car and I followed them in my car. I cried the whole way to the office.

Then I stood in the corner while the doctor explained what comes next. I started taking mental pictures, first of Mom then of Dad. Then I pictured all of the times in the last two years that they have stood by me bravely. It clicked that its my turn to take care of them. My turn to step up and listen to the directions. I can do this.

Lord help me, we can do this. We've lived through a lot worse than this. So will y'all pray for Mom? And pray for the logistics involved in her going to do radiation for 6 weeks, five days a week. Thanks y'all.

Update on Mom

This sweet girl should be enrolled in nursing school. She's got the gift of hospitality and is constantly checking to see how Mom is doing. They know Mom had surgery but to them that just means she had some sort of shot...Lord knows they don't need to worry about it so we go in her room and say hi and when she's up Charlie likes to report why Nattie is sore. Her rendition is nothing short of totally awesome and totally wrong.

Mom had a rough start yesterday. Lesson learned-set a timer for pain meds. She's pretty tough so I know it was enormous pain for her to be doubled over shaking when I checked on her at one point yesterday. We should hear results today so I am of course hopeful that later today I can write ALL CLEAR as a new title for a post.

In other news, Duck Dynasty premieres tonight. Hallelujah and Amen.

Flashback Friday

Since I'm in Frisco for the dotMom conference I had to find a good picture that sums up our life while we lived here.

Yep that covers it.

Look at me

I say that 600 times a day.

"Look at me."

"Turn around and look at me."

"Look in my eyes."

"Stop and look at me."

I say it for all kinds of reasons not limited to correcting bad behavior. Well it's mostly that but not entirely.

"Look at me." "Listen to me." "Hear me." "Do this." "Then that." "No not that you know better!" "Drop that and look at me." "Look at me."

You think I'd had have come up with a new catchy phrase to say the same thing by now.

I haven't.

I want to be acknowledged and somehow my children can pretend I'm not there if they don't have to look at me. I'm not alone on this I know. Right? Right?

Look at me.

Yesterday was Charlie's day at gymnastics. Today was Joy's. Oh and Monday Ty goes. Apparently gymnastics was what was missing in our lives. Now we go three days a week.

Anyway.

Yesterday I heard, "Mom! Look at me!" From Charlie and today I heard it from Joy. Today, though, was not just, "Look at me," but also, "Did you see that? I did it! I can do it! I did a back fwip!" (A back roll) She was so extremely satisfied with herself. So proud. She stood there with her little hands on her hips and posed for all of us to see. I was equal parts embarrassed and so happy that she was so happy. A man sitting beside me on the bleachers yelled for his little girl and she proudly showed off her new back fwip too. Then I heard, "Daddy did you see me? Did you see that? Did you look at me?" He yelled that yes, in fact, he did see her and he was proud of her.

I glanced over at Joy and she was looking at me. She said, "Mommy are you so pwoud of me? Her daddy said he was pwoud can you be pwoud of me?"

Ouch.

She wanted to see if I could do what the little girl's dad did-validate her. See her. Look at her. Could I give her the praise she wanted or did it have to come from a daddy. Y'all it wasn't even a hard day at all but there we were. Ouch.

After I silently chewed Sean out (again,) I smiled and clapped for her and I probably singled myself out as crazy but I didn't care. I mean, it's gymnastics. It's okay to go overboard cheering. I wanted her to know that yes, momma can validate you. Momma will break her back validating you the best she can. And momma's heart will ache that you don't have your daddy here to validate you.

There will come a time in their lives when they will do the same thing with God, as so many of us did as new believers and maybe I still do that now.

"Are You really up there, and can You see me? Can You really see me and are You looking at me? Did You take the day off Lord or should I do more to make You happy so You'll look at me? I need You to look at me. To validate me and praise me. Am I good enough for You? Can I be enough for You? Can You be enough for me?"

They may struggle with things I didn't struggle with. I always had to work out and watch my weight. I was never skinny minny. I also struggled with pride, to me one of the the scariest sins. I thought I was better than people who succumbed to sin. I thought I was stronger than other girls who couldn't resist temptation. I felt like I deserved God's blessings. Even typing that scares me, it's so prideful and ugly. There I was going, "Look at me! Look at what good I did or how good I've been! Where is my reward Lord? Where is Your favor?"

I pray that my kids won't struggle with that but they could. I can't predict what they will feel or think. I can't protect them from feeling pain or shame and I can't guarantee them a happy life. I can teach the girls about real beauty and hope that my actions and the world around them don't make them second guess the truth. I've got a role in all of that I get it.

But the rubber meets the road with the question, "Do You see me? Am I worth Your time? Are You proud of me?" They'll ask it. My most important job is to teach them that His answer has always been like mine was today.

"Yes, child I see you! Yes I love you and I'm so glad I'm here with you! You are precious to me!"

He sees. He knows.

The craft room reveal

The "before" pictures alone are depressing. Never mind the memories they drag along with them. I've never spent time in an office in my house. That was Sean's thing, his space. Even though he only lived in the house for two weeks the office was totally set up for his needs and that was fine by me. The problem was that it was the worst room to be in from the moment he left. I felt sad every time I looked into the room. I could picture him sitting there, editing pictures and paying bills.

The time came to make it into a happier place.

And a happier place it is!

If my posts don't magically become more interesting it will not be this room's fault. It's hard to NOT make something in here now. It's filled with ideas, materials, kid stuff, sewing stuff, and writing stuff.

It's my new favorite :)

Just...No

This picture makes me laugh so hard I snort. It has nothing to do with what I want to write about today though, I just had to show it to you.

You're welcome.

Y'all.

I don't keep secrets very well and so that I wouldn't betray the person the secret concerned I just kinda stayed away from my blog the last few weeks. Yesterday we got the news we've been waiting on so I can tell you. Whew.

Mom had a biopsy this week after her doctor saw something on her mammogram. Last week when we got the call I went back to square one-I can't lose my mom. I can't do this without her. How could I do this without her? Lord surely You don't think I could. How would the kids ever trust that people aren't all going to die? No Lord. Just...No.

The week dragged on and I cried and begged Him for it to not be cancer. I know that it's possible to treat and since its early she may fully recover but square one isn't a rational place y'all know that. Square one is a scared, survival mode place. So I saw worst case scenario and just begged Him for it to not happen.

The good news is that it's not cancer. It's still got to come out so she has another surgery coming up to remove it. As long as what's left isn't full-blown cancer the whole thing is behind us. If it is then there will be lots more written here as you can imagine.

About 3 months before Sean died he told me that he's glad I have my mom and that he's not sure how I'd ever stay sane without her help with the kids. You got that right, I said. Little did I know I'd think about that conversation so many times this week.

This whole ordeal, (believe me it was an ordeal,) showed me just how wide open my heart still is. It's waiting for another setback, another tragedy. I didn't see it that way until I felt what I felt this week. I try so hard to be strong, and to be ready to march on through the years as a survivor. I'm still vulnerable and weak though.

Speaking of strong I may actually be strong again one day. I've been meeting with a trainer for the first time in my life. My trainer is a friend of mine from church and I call her Mighty Mouse because she's tiny and sweet but she could whip anybody I know I'm sure of it. It's going well and I'm sore every day all day but I think back to my athletic days and know that is a good thing. Soreness means change and I'm ready to feel strong again. Now to combat the issue of sneezing without wincing. It's like I've had a c-section all over again. Ouch.

Flashback Friday

A desk given by sweet friends for me to paint...

To give me a great table to do stuff on in the newly finished craft room. It has quickly become my favorite room in my house. More before and after pics coming soon.

Happy Friday y'all!

Where I've been

Feeling better about Ty, feeling peace about this season, and feeling powerless in some new areas.

Oh Lord I think You overestimate what I'm capable of! Do You see me shaking in my boots facing what I'm facing? 'Cause I am! I'm not equipped yet! I'm getting there, slow and steady, but adding something to my plate may not be a good idea. What if I crack? What if I handle it poorly? And most of all what if I put my foot down and say NO!

"I AM STILL WITH YOU STOP GIVING IN TO FEAR."

Well then. I'm glad we had that little talk Lord.

When your kid is Autistic

You go to ARD meetings and talk about progress.

You listen to his teacher's description of his new quirks and shake your head because you knew that sooner or later, it would show up at school.

You say Thank You, Lord for said teacher about 900 times because while describing the quirky thing she smiles and adds that she loves him.

You seriously think about how many gifts you can afford to give the people who love on him at school every day.

You feel a sense of pride knowing that he's doing things he was terrified of doing 6 months ago.

You can't help but picture what future meetings might look like. Will I always feel like I'm on the verge of tears or will I get used to it?

You describe how he's coping at home and how he says straight up, "I really wish the girls could live somewhere else so I could just be the only kid." You laugh with everybody in the room because what kid doesn't think that sometimes? And you marvel at how a kid whose emotional awareness is lacking can pinpoint just what he feels sometimes.

You visualize what he might be like a year down the road. Five years. Will he have friends? Will he care if he does or doesn't? Will he cling for dear life to a friend in his class like he does now? Will he ever feel settled anywhere outside of home?

You hear about the progress he's made and feel a rush of pure joy, then guilt that you don't always feel the same thing about your other children's progress because it all comes easier to them. You struggle with comparing them and knowing that's unfair.

By the end of the meeting you are so close to a breakdown that you hope no one asks you how you're doing. Some days, it's just a hard battle you're fighting and you wish your child didn't have to fight it.

You wish you didn't have to either.

You have time to process it all later on and you remember what you learned at bible study last week-that God will use all that we have in a time like this for His kingdom-if we keep bringing it all back to Him. He will keep giving us exactly and precisely what we need for such a time as this. (Yes it's an Esther study)

You settle your weary heart with the thought that yes, God knows. He sees. And the circumstances surrounding your special needs child may never change. You may feel like it's too great a battle and you'll never survive sometimes. But you will.

You'll see pieces of Heaven through that same child, and you won't be able to recall a perfect glorious day that doesn't have them in it.

Your heavy head will hit your pillow and you'll pray for more strength for tomorrow. And just as He says, He'll give it to you.

Lots of sentences

Wouldn't it be cool to live here? I tell you what, Pinterest has everything. I have to pace myself.

Thank y'all for keeping my little Mr. In your prayers. We are trying to find the magic solution to what's bothering him but it may be a combination of things that we can't control. God bless his teacher. She's been so helpful trying things at school and keeping me in the loop. I just love her. I've been told that this time of year is rough on all kids so I'm hopeful that soon he will settle down and start liking things again. Until then I've signed him up for gymnastics to give him something fun and tiring to do. Tiring being the key word.

The girls have started putting on shows every day and I'm gonna post one later today if I remember. The best part is what is said between acts as you can imagine.

I've been studying Esther with a group of women, (Beth Moore's study is the one we're using,) and it's been so good to remind us all that we are part of a much-bigger-than-one-person-plan to give God glory. I'm seeing and feeling walls come down in my heart after studying the truth that I can be used by Him if I keep fighting fear. I'm excited to see what He's gonna do.

Max and Ruby drive me crazy. I can hear it in the background right now and I get so sick of Ruby's voice. Anyone else? I mean wow she never makes Max do anything but oh wait, she's not his mom and where in the world is the parent in the show?

Clearly I'm having a tough time concentrating today.

Time to get going on finishing the craft room. Y'all are gonna love it!