Wednesday, February 6, 2013

When your kid is Autistic

You go to ARD meetings and talk about progress.

You listen to his teacher's description of his new quirks and shake your head because you knew that sooner or later, it would show up at school.

You say Thank You, Lord for said teacher about 900 times because while describing the quirky thing she smiles and adds that she loves him.

You seriously think about how many gifts you can afford to give the people who love on him at school every day.

You feel a sense of pride knowing that he's doing things he was terrified of doing 6 months ago.

You can't help but picture what future meetings might look like. Will I always feel like I'm on the verge of tears or will I get used to it?

You describe how he's coping at home and how he says straight up, "I really wish the girls could live somewhere else so I could just be the only kid." You laugh with everybody in the room because what kid doesn't think that sometimes? And you marvel at how a kid whose emotional awareness is lacking can pinpoint just what he feels sometimes.

You visualize what he might be like a year down the road. Five years. Will he have friends? Will he care if he does or doesn't? Will he cling for dear life to a friend in his class like he does now? Will he ever feel settled anywhere outside of home?

You hear about the progress he's made and feel a rush of pure joy, then guilt that you don't always feel the same thing about your other children's progress because it all comes easier to them. You struggle with comparing them and knowing that's unfair.

By the end of the meeting you are so close to a breakdown that you hope no one asks you how you're doing. Some days, it's just a hard battle you're fighting and you wish your child didn't have to fight it.

You wish you didn't have to either.

You have time to process it all later on and you remember what you learned at bible study last week-that God will use all that we have in a time like this for His kingdom-if we keep bringing it all back to Him. He will keep giving us exactly and precisely what we need for such a time as this. (Yes it's an Esther study)

You settle your weary heart with the thought that yes, God knows. He sees. And the circumstances surrounding your special needs child may never change. You may feel like it's too great a battle and you'll never survive sometimes. But you will.

You'll see pieces of Heaven through that same child, and you won't be able to recall a perfect glorious day that doesn't have them in it.

Your heavy head will hit your pillow and you'll pray for more strength for tomorrow. And just as He says, He'll give it to you.

3 comments:

Heather said...

"You'll see pieces of Heaven through that same child, and you won't be able to recall a perfect glorious day that doesn't have them in it"... Amen Mary. Boy does this post hit home! Our situation is different, but you are spot on. Praying for you, and for your sweet boy, and thanking God for giving you the gift of pouring out your soul in words. Love you!

Unknown said...

You're amazing Mary and I admire your strength!

We Three Smiths + 1 said...

Amen, Amen...we all admire your amazing strength... God is truly using you as a vessel to minister to us all!