Just...No

This picture makes me laugh so hard I snort. It has nothing to do with what I want to write about today though, I just had to show it to you.

You're welcome.

Y'all.

I don't keep secrets very well and so that I wouldn't betray the person the secret concerned I just kinda stayed away from my blog the last few weeks. Yesterday we got the news we've been waiting on so I can tell you. Whew.

Mom had a biopsy this week after her doctor saw something on her mammogram. Last week when we got the call I went back to square one-I can't lose my mom. I can't do this without her. How could I do this without her? Lord surely You don't think I could. How would the kids ever trust that people aren't all going to die? No Lord. Just...No.

The week dragged on and I cried and begged Him for it to not be cancer. I know that it's possible to treat and since its early she may fully recover but square one isn't a rational place y'all know that. Square one is a scared, survival mode place. So I saw worst case scenario and just begged Him for it to not happen.

The good news is that it's not cancer. It's still got to come out so she has another surgery coming up to remove it. As long as what's left isn't full-blown cancer the whole thing is behind us. If it is then there will be lots more written here as you can imagine.

About 3 months before Sean died he told me that he's glad I have my mom and that he's not sure how I'd ever stay sane without her help with the kids. You got that right, I said. Little did I know I'd think about that conversation so many times this week.

This whole ordeal, (believe me it was an ordeal,) showed me just how wide open my heart still is. It's waiting for another setback, another tragedy. I didn't see it that way until I felt what I felt this week. I try so hard to be strong, and to be ready to march on through the years as a survivor. I'm still vulnerable and weak though.

Speaking of strong I may actually be strong again one day. I've been meeting with a trainer for the first time in my life. My trainer is a friend of mine from church and I call her Mighty Mouse because she's tiny and sweet but she could whip anybody I know I'm sure of it. It's going well and I'm sore every day all day but I think back to my athletic days and know that is a good thing. Soreness means change and I'm ready to feel strong again. Now to combat the issue of sneezing without wincing. It's like I've had a c-section all over again. Ouch.