What have I done to deserve this?

Y'all.

This morning Joy came downstairs in her Ariel PJ's shirt and panties. I told her to go put pants and shoes on before we took Ty and Charlie to school. I didn't pay attention to her or her outfit, what with all the chaos that happens here between the morning greetings and school drop-off. Somebody really outta put a nanny cam in my house.

So...we got home and got out of the car and...this.

The game changer

It came on Saturday. For two years I've said, "No," to what I knew God was urging me to do. I knew it the way that you know something you'd bank your whole lot on. The inexplicable peace that only comes from Him finally soaked into my heart. For two years I've asked for this very peace, this very desire to surrender...but I kept it at arms length.

It goes against my prized possession that has camped out in my heart and in all areas of my life-fear. It's finally leaving the building. With it goes bitterness, questioning "fairness," and deep deep (did I mention it's deep?) anger. Oh and also a very raw pain that was accessible at a moment's notice. Goodbye to all of that, not for a season. For forever.

I'm saying "yes," to what comes next. Not that I really know fully what that is. That's the best part of this revelation. That's the best part of what Jesus is doing now in the spaces I've finally let Him into. He can reside there and tell me what comes next when He's ready. It's not about me and (gasp!) it's not even about the kids anymore. The whole thing, the pain, the out-of-the-loop-of-life season, the uncertainty of my own ability to DO THIS LIFE without a partner--it's all what He needed to use to get me here.


He allowed a few extremely hard days and one final blow to my very core because, well, I'm stubborn. At the end of those days came Saturday. Throughout the course of that day, I vividly recalled when I started down the path I've been on. I remember saying, "No," to a life of helping other people through their loss and pain because I felt like I'd always be the one needing to be helped and put back together. The truth is that He may put me back together every day from now until He comes back which He's perfectly able and willing to do. What's still missing from my story is what may be missing until I see Him face to face...and I'm okay with it. Finally. I don't care to understand "why," because He knows. When He shows me or tells me I will be no less or more complete for it. I am complete because once I said, "yes," the hundred of "no's" didn't make Him question me. Just as He said, "Follow Me," I'm jumping at the chance to leave all that i know behind and get out there with Him. Man it took Him a lot of trouble to get me here!


He found me in the storm.

The same storm that I was beginning to think would never EVER let up. Turns out I just needed to stand up and say, "I'm coming." Doesn't matter where, and it doesn't matter when. My life, my kids' lives, they're His and for Him. The One who made us all and allowed me to hold Him back in my little bitty plans for my little family can have His way.

Am I nervous?

Not at all.

I couldn't be more certain that it's the best decision I've made so far as a parent. To show the kids that following Him means stepping out before we know the plan seems like a pretty great lesson for them to learn at a young age, don't you think?

Gotta run y'all. I'm so grateful I get to share life with you!

It's gonna be okay

It was a perfect day with the kids. Well, a perfect day following a rough patch.

Those dang rough patches.

They're still frequent, even when nothing big or visible happens. I'm kinda used to telling myself that it's gonna be okay. Starting when the alarm goes off at 5:49 (??) am until I actually get up, (a hair later,) I go through a mental list of why it'a gonna be okay:

A new day
Can I sleep more
I love sleep
What is today
Ok
School
Two to three lunches/folders/sets of shoes
Got it
Who am I
I'm starving(every.single.morning)
Was it all a nightmare
Ok no
No it happened
It's gonna be ok
I'm still here
That's good
Ok the kids are all here
At least they were at bedtime (I kid. Like any parent it's rare for me to sleep all night without checking on somebody.)

Ok back to my list. Sorry. Dang ADD.

The dog is here, thankfully sleeping and not chewing on something he's not supposed to
We have a cozy place to live
We have food downstairs
Dear Lord let there be watermelon in the fridge
And milk
Both of these things are for Joy, and she's gonna ask for both immediately upon waking
I DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY but it's been this way for about a year
Which one should I wake first
depends on who actually fell asleep first
That's the best kid to wake Definitely Joy
99%of the time she's first
Ok then Charlie because, well, she always wakes up happy and cuddly and we all need someone like that in our corner
Then Ty since he's a morning person unless the stars are not aligned and then you just never know
By the time I get to him I've had at least part of my breakfast so I've got a good fighting chance.

Before I know it the mental list is overtaken by the actual real-life list and the morning starts.

It's gonna be okay.

My pep talk. It's second nature, such a habit. Most people have a running list from when they first wake I think. Or maybe I'm a crazy nut and if so y'all need to speak up. Does your list resemble mine? Do you immediately start your day in prayer because I so wish I could retrain myself to! I'm trying to set my list aside to do just that...rest my lists, my anxieties in Him from the get-go. It just usually doesn't work. I know that if I can release all of the day's plans and challenges to Him first thing that my morning would go much more smoothly. I'm just telling y'all the truth-it doesn't happen most of the time. I prep myself mentally and THEN realign myself spiritually. What's the secret to switching them? I'm all ears. See, I know the truth. I know the difference it makes.

A little info about me, (like the years of oversharing here leave anything to be discovered,) I don't JUST LOVE being alone. There, my secret is out. I have always preferred being with people but especially so the last two years. I go to movies alone. I can go out to eat alone. I love to shop alone and even go on walks alone. That's about it. When the battle starts to rage, I do better when I have someone to talk to. It can even be a kid-but preferably um...not. I like a perspective-check, someone who can talk back, and agree with me that yeah, this one could be a doozy, but hey,
It's gonna be okay.

My point is that I make a conscious effort to be okay. I've trained myself to be okay. I had no choice but to figure out how to be okay. So I'm okay. I'm strong, I'm good with change, I adapt fairly easily. And I'm a glass half-full type. I've had to be. Had to be okay. Being a momma means I've got to make it okay not just for myself but for their sake too.

It's just got to be okay.

The last perfect day, (when I took the picture,) was last Sunday. It was perfect indeed. On days when I feel most alive and ready for whatever lies ahead, I'm overcome with gratefulness. I live moment to moment, constantly seeing the day with my kids as a gift. I move slower but with more purpose. And I smile a lot more as a result of pure joy, not happiness. The days like this are almost too-good-to-be-true.

Except they aren't.

Those days are those few and far between ones when I wasn't able to talk myself into being okay. They usually follow a night full of tears and praying for relief. In short, (you're welcome,) I'm not okay at all those mornings. The loneliness and dread hits immediately when I wake up. Those days, like I said, are few and far between. They're desperate days, when I could no more talk myself into being okay than I could talk Joy into being excited about going to school. NEVER HAPPENS. I'm out of tears, reason, logic, and will to do it all so I just say, "You there? I need You. You're the only One who sees me right now, the only One who knows how sad I was last night. Please lift me up today and help me find You right now, because I don't care to even face today. My kids need me though, so staying here not being okay isn't an option. Will You take over?"

So it begins, one of the perfect days. Joy-filled, not always happiness-filled. He starts my day with a "Yes I'm here. I've got you," and it carries over into every aspect of my life. Things don't fall into place magically and weird stuff that only happens to me still happens. I just know I'm not alone from the get-go...or a few minutes after. It makes all the difference in our family. When I'm hopeful the kids are too. When I'm looking for blessings around me the kids notice that I'm happier. Then they are happier too. Then they don't whine quite as much which, CAN I GET AN AMEN, is just a game-changer.

Amen.

Not sure what y'all may take from reading this post but I think it all points to this: I'm gonna be okay. And maybe, hopefully better than okay. If sometimes only two years out I can feel such joy that I don't feel guilty smiling and laughing because its coming from the most genuine and joyful place, I can only imagine what lies ahead. Perfect days are ahead of me I'm sure. Teary nights, yes, but then perfect days spent watching and showing them how far God can take us if we hang onto Him. From desperation and mayhem to calm and purposeful. From dwelling on death and the defeat it threatens to life and hope.

Yep, it's gonna be okay.

Two peas in a pod

He sleeps anywhere. Usually in unexpected places.


Ahem.

So maybe I DO believe in love at first sight

I saw him and instantly knew


He was the one



My buddy I've been wanting


And they're pretty crazy about him too




Bless his heart.

He's not perfect, but love never is, right? Technically love can be a little blind to certain faults. In his case I am a little blind because even after he shredded (?????) Charlie's DS (Nintendo thing she got for Christmas from grandparents THIS YEAR WHICH WAS TWO MONTHS AGO I still love him.

So does Charlie. When we walked in the door and discovered it Joy started wailing and saying, "he ruined Charlie's life," and "why did we have to get the worst dog ever?" This went on for a few long seconds. Then Charlie walked over to Blue and wrapped her arms around him and said, "It's ok Mom he didn't know he couldn't chew on that. It's fine maybe someday I can get another one."

Cue to Joy. (Very puzzled.)

I couldn't make this stuff up.

He is able

Last night I bought Priscilla Shirer's book God is Able on a whim. As she writes at the beginning, people grab the book because they may be wondering if...well...He really IS able.

I admit I was hoping not to see anybody as I bought it. So stupid! No one expects me to have great faith all the time but I want to exhibit absolute trust in God in all things. I so badly want to know and believe that He is Able. So badly. But lately I just haven't. I've seen the list of things I've asked Him for and haven't gotten and the people I've asked Him to heal who haven't gotten better. I've been doubting Him more than usual. Satan has been loving it.

Now, I know that the author would agree with me when I say that the book wasn't in itself the key to opening the door to a renewed faith. Her goal in writing it was not to get any credit. On the contrary-she expresses over and over in the book that it is Scripture, prayer, and worship that she hopes to redirect us, the readers, to. Back to Him, not to her.

I started the book at 9:30. Finished it sometime really late and sobbed throughout it. I haven't read a book in a long time. I love to read-truly. Lately I just didn't care to learn anything.

(Wonder where my kids get it?)

Quick story-- A few weeks ago Ty greeted me after school with, "Mom I have bad news...I got on yellow today." Their behavior chart system at school is easy to understand...green is good, blue is better, then purple then pink is the highest mark. It's rare that they get pink and it's usually cause for an immediate reward after school. Apparently my kids don't initiate cleaning up or helping others. (I'm so proud.) Ahem. Green, yes often. Blue occasionally. They know that yellow, orange and red mean they are not obeying at school on some level. Yellow is like a yellow light. "Get it together or else." He's never come home with yellow beside his name. A few times he's gotten on yellow but he's improved and worked hard to get back up to green before the end of the day.

Ok so he greets me with the "bad news," and I say, "Well what happened?" His sweet hilarious teacher was standing beside me and she wondered too since she had a sub in the classroom while she tested the kids that day. We both stood there looking at him, clearly disappointed.

"Well Ty, what happened?"

Ok y'all back up a minute. I'm a bad storyteller apparently because I forgot another part. I'm too tired to go back so just bear with me.

Like you have a choice.

About two months ago Ty decided he was tired of doing work at school. He said it was just too much work in 1st grade and he was all done. That didn't fly with anyone in his life so I had to really crack down on him at home and get him back on track. For a long time I greeted him with, "Did you finish your work today? That's your job, honey, so do everything that your teacher tells you without whining"...blah blah blah.

So back to my story.

Ty looks me square in the eye then shifts to his teacher, then back to me.

His response to my asking, "Well Ty what happened?"

He shrugged his shoulders and said, "Well I didn't stop playing a game when she told me to."

"Oh Ty so you really didn't obey the sub? Oh boy that's disrespectful. That's not good honey." (Me talking)

And then he said,

"I DID ALL MY WORK WHAT MORE DO Y'ALL WANT FROM ME?"

So like any good parent I busted a gut laughing.

So did his teacher.

Houston I think we found the problem.

Shift gears. You still with me?

I read the book in one sitting which is my preferred way to read. I zone out and get hyper focussed and can soak it all in. When I was done I closed the book and simply said,

"I'm sorry Lord. I haven't believed. Or cared to believe. I haven't even thought of You working or how You're involved in my life lately. I've just been on a hamster wheel, grasping for things daily to occupy my mind. I've doubted Your sovereignty. I've doubted my worth. It's never been so hard to break this cycle before. You can do it. I know You can. Open my heart again, Lord. Heal me. I know that what I've been doing isn't a solution but a distraction. The answer has always been You."

It's like I'd forgotten to pray with honesty. There have been times of prayer where my walls were down and I knew He listened. That's not the problem.

I doubted that He would listen and then ACT. Change something, move something. I even doubted that He was capable of intervening. I guess I let Satan convince me that I wasn't worth listening to. Not worth rescuing. Every fear we have as women.

the fear not being heard

of not being cherished

of not being pursued

even the fear of not being visible

I've believed it all.

The only way to combat these deeply rooted, (nothing new, they are some of the top things women have struggled with historically,) fears is to read my Bible and pray honestly. And you'd better believe I'm going to pray with what He's done and what He alone has accomplished in Scripture in mind. Forget focussing on what I can't do. I'm gonna focus on what HE CAN DO.

Go big or go home

I've been wanting a new dog for a few months.

World, meet Blue.



He's big.


He's sweet and patient and playful and fun and everything we didn't realize we needed.


We got him yesterday and he's won everybody over already. Even Ty LOVES him. I hope he can handle us.


So far I don't think he's too stressed.