Beautiful

Life with Ty

Since my focus shifted a few months ago away from talking about Ty here I've gotten a few questions about him. A couple of people have asked what life is like for him, how he's adjusting to life without Sean here and just overall about Aspergers. It's so fun to tell you about my kids, (surprise!) so here you go: a day in the life of Ty:

What else do you need to know?

He doesn't miss a thing. Always on top of what day it is, the plan for the day, and he's always counting down the days until our next fun thing. Example: "Mom, only 9 more days until we go to Colorado!" "Well yeah honey you're right. (he always is, truly, about dates) 9 more days." "Mom today is Thursday what are we doing today?" "Uhhhhh" "You don't know yet do you Mom?" "No honey, I don't." The End.

Sometimes I think God wasn't thinking the day He picked me to be Ty's mother. I mean could we be more opposite? Ha! When Sean died I thought He wasn't paying attention. Giving me Ty to raise with Sean was one thing but me raising Ty without Sean? Lord help me.

But then I look at Ty and am crazy in love and can't believe God was so smart to give him to me. I'd be so off track without him. I'd never have a schedule and it wouldn't bother me or the girl's one bit. We'd never get anything done. Ty is the reason I've learned about visual schedules and setting guidelines. He's this little intense guy wrapped up in a sweet, loving, affectionate baseball-obsessing boy. Oh, and we are back on trash trucks. Help me Jesus.

He's doing well in play therapy, an answer to many prayers. He's communicating what he needs and letting us into his fears. He's had bad dreams lately and I'm not totally sure what it is that's scary in them-some days he says it's monsters, some days it's bears. Some days it's that he's afraid he's going to die and go to Heaven and he's not ready to go to Heaven. He wants his Daddy to come home from there though. He asked me this morning a hard question to answer: "Mom, why can't Daddy come back just for a little while so I can play with him? Just for a little bit Mom, then he can go back." What do you say? I just said, "I know you are sad that he is not here anymore and I'm so sorry he's not here to play with you honey. He loves you so much and he's watching you from Heaven. He's with Jesus and so you can tell him and Jesus that you're sad today and to give you some happy stuff to think about today."

"Mom I'm not sad I just want Daddy to come back. Silly Mommy I didn't say I was sad at all."

There you have it. Ty's very cut and dry. To be truthful sometimes I'm grateful for that part of him. When I am living on emotion it's a nice shift to think about things the way he does.

Sometimes I don't know how he sleeps like this. Yes it's an old picture. I have their Christmas pj's up now. Ha! I took this picture two days before his Daddy died. I wonder if I'll always remember things like that.

Remember that first picture?

That one.

He made it yesterday in the driveway. He said he'd always wanted to make his name out of sticks. Well sure, who hasn't?

His happy place: lined up, organized. See how proud he is?

He shakes life up and keeps me on my toes and knees. I'm so thankful that in His goodness He picked me to be Ty's mother, even if sometimes I still think He wasn't thinking.

Time to start the day. Hope y'all have a good one!

Mother of the year

One more reason in up for mother of the year: I called to make Joy's 3 year check-up appointment and the lady said, "So this is her 2 year appt?" "No, it's her 3 year." "Hmmm." "Is something wrong?" "Well she hasn't been in for a well-check since she was 15 months old. She's behind on everything, like really behind." "She's my third kid." (laughter) "So she's gonna need shots and eye tests, hearing tests, and maybe other things I'm just not real sure WHAT ALL she needs."

Awesome.

So we went for her 18 month/2 year/3 year visit and she's doing just fine. I took Charlie too since she's had a bad cough lately. So along with Joy's shots and tests I also learned that Charlie has asthma. Cool huh?

I'm a really really good mom. The End.

Just what we needed

Last week we brought two kittens home to join our circus. I've never had a cat, don't know anything about cats, and don't really like the whole litter box scenario but I now have two cats.

Great idea, right? Just what we needed, as my mom says. I'm sure she's kidding.

Their names are Peppa and George and they're both female.
Enough said.

Want to see them? This is the single picture I have of one of them being still. Turks out kittens are never still.

May the force be with you, Peppa and George. (named after the kids favorite TV characters from Peppa Pig)

As usual, there's not a title to cover it all

"I walked a mile with pleasure

she chattered along the way,

but left me none the wiser

with what she had to say.

I walked a mile with sorrow

and never a word said she;

but oh, the things I learned from her

when sorrow walked with me."


If anyone knows who wrote that please tell me so I can give them credit. I read it a long time a go and it stuck with me but I can't for the life of me find where I read it. It's so true, isn't it? Any form of sorrow causes us to step back and look at life differently. I'm not big on rating our sorrow-saying "yours is worse than mine..." because it's all things that we didn't want causing our sorrow. No matter what is causing your pain it's pretty safe to assume that you didn't ask for it. Sorrow can be turned to beauty though, I know that for sure now. There have been hardly any fewer words here on my blog but I hope that in the coming weeks I'll be able to share with y'all the wonder of what God is doing. My goal is to update more often and as much I'd like to say it'll be every day I think we all know life might intervene at some point ;) Grace is a great thing to offer others, isn't it? Ha


This last week I started meeting with other people who have walked in my shoes. Many people have recommended the same group specializing in helping those of us touched by unexpected death of a loved one. Thursday night I went with a new friend who also lost her husband in the same way so we carpooled and it wasn't scary to walk into that first meeting. There are many things that we talked about in the group that I won't share to respect other's privacy. There are parts that I will tell you about though. Things that I felt sitting across from another person whose grief, at this point, knows no limits. Her loss is more recent than mine so as I listened to her talk I thought about how different my grief is now than it was months ago. She described standing in line at Target and wanting to scream, "How is the world still moving? How can you people go on with life as if nothing happened???" I remember those days, and every once in a while I still have them. For the most part, though, seeing how the world moves on is strangely comforting. New life, new hope is my goal and what I am constantly looking for now. I wanted so much to tell her that the days are coming where you can check out at Target and not feel trapped. I wanted to speed her process up for her so she's not in constant pain but if I could do that I suppose I'd be wondering why someone didn't do that for me! If I had the magic wand I'd make all pain go away. Wouldn't you? So many people ask me, "Well then why doesn't God?"


Now's the part of our program where I'd like to hand over the keyboard to one of my pastor friends.


I'm not going to go into too much depth here, mainly because it's 9:00 and y'all know I'm fixing to turn into a pumpkin. I mainly want to tell you that I don't know all of the answers about why God doesn't fix things the way I'd like them to be fixed. I'm sure not sure why God chose to let Sean die the way he did. I don't get it any more than you do. Like I wrote a few days ago I have to fight fear every single day. I fight and fight to see the hope that He has for me. The only difference between me and the person falling apart at Target is that God is sustaining me today and I don't feel like yelling. Now tomorrow I might.


Yes, I am getting used to our new normal. I'm enjoying things again and laughing and snorting and the whole bit. I used to feel guilty for doing things that made me happy. I felt like I was not honoring Sean by carrying on without him. That's crazy, I know. It was neat hearing another person say that same thing on Thursday though. I'm being validated for feeling things I thought I was crazy for feeling. I mean, none of us wants to be crazy. On the crazy note, that's another reason why I've been MIA. When we got home from Florida I over-committed myself and have been trying to keep my head on straight since. Today we stayed home and it was wonderful. I'm typing from my actual computer at my desk which has been covered in papers and sewing projects for about...hmmm...six months. Turns out staying home gives you time to put things away. I know, hard to believe. Maybe I should stay here more often.


Okay now it's really past my bedtime. Talk to you tomorrow.

Just pictures

One Thousand Gifts

I started re-reading Ann Voskamp's book One Thousand Gifts on this trip and had to share what I just read.

"Paul had twice said it, and I mustn't forget it. He said he had to learn. And learning requires practice--sometimes even mind-numbing practice. C.S. Lewis said it too, to a man looking for fullest life: "If you think of this world as a place intended simply for our happiness, you find it quite intolerable: think of it as a place of training and correction and it's not so bad." It might even be good."

We are having a wonderful, fun, happy time on our trip. The kids have done better than ever this year, and I'm grateful to God for that. Lots of pictures coming your way soon!

Here and now

Fighting fear

Fears

Flying

Flying by myself with the kids

Flying by myself with the kids on any remotely small plane

Did I say flying

I faced them. I conquered them. And I'm here, at home to tell all about it. Gasp. I survived.

So I faced a few at one time, head-on, sometimes timid and even regretful that I didn't have a back-up plan. I did it though, and accomplishment has never felt so rewarding. I did something I thought I'd never be brave enough to do. I mean I'd have never been brave enough before this. I'm learning that maybe my fears don't have to make me, well, fearful.

Worst case scenario has sort of happened. I feared being on my own. Done. I feared losing someone I love. Happened. I feared being helpless to solve a problem. Done happened. Sorry spellcheck. (And Emmy, and all you other grammar-lovers) I feared rejection by my spouse. Done. I feared abandonment. Happened. You're getting it now, right?

Lots of my fears have become my reality in the last six months. Out of nowhere my world flipped on its side with no feasible way of flipping it back up. Fear has stood on my doorstep and knocked. I'm not gonna lie I've welcomed it at times. Shoot I've rolled out the carpet for it. I've said, "Well why not! I've got nothing more to fight you with, I'm drained of all resolve. Fear, you're an old friend and right now I need old friends. You're known, comfortable, and ready to take hold."

But.

(sorry again Emmy.)

If you're new here Emmy is my older sister, who has been a teacher, tutor, and overall grammar ninja since birth.

Anyway.

I was warned and warned about letting fear have a foothold. I knew and guarded but I gave up one night a few days ago. Fear of losing another person, another life, it swept over me. The exact time it hit me was the night I put two of my kids on a plane without me. I hugged them and sent them off. Lord was I a mess. I longed for arms of comfort, a shoulder to lean on and as He often does God was who showed up. Not another person to talk me back into sanity or put band-aids on my wounds. In my mom and dad's defense it was in the middle of the night and i didn't wake them. Fear usually strikes us in the night, you know. And especially in mommas.

I was alone and asked for help. So it was just Him. Just Himself, strong and steady. Ready to go into battle for me, (oh girls we do love a strong Savior!)

This was our conversation:


Give Me the fear, Mary.

but i can't help it. no one blames me for having it and no one is going to say that i'm being irrational. i deserve to feel afraid.

But I conquer fear. With Me there is nothing to fear.

there are things i can't bear to lose, Lord. i don't have anything left to overcome pain. and there's so much left to lose.

Yes. All people I have given you. All my children, all within my realm of control.

but how can i live without fear of losing them? Uh...You were on duty the day Sean died. (expecting uncomfortable silence)

Yes I was. And I am. And now he's with Me and no longer in pain.

and here I am.

Here you are.

just me and You? can i really do it? I mean fear is just so normal. I'm so comfortable with it.

Just you and Me. In Me there is no fear. It's gonna take laying down your fears every day, maybe more than once. It'll be hard but worth it. I can show you the depth of my love and provision for you, but only once fear is removed.

Okay.

Did I hear you right?

Ha! Yes, okay.


So I've started the process that will be a daily thing for the rest of my life. Fighting fear with faith, fighting distrust with Truth. It'll be hard and I'll mess up. I'm sure there will be a time when I think it's hopeless but I'm gonna try. You know why? Living in fear isn't very fun at all.

You're welcome.

Working men

Pictures speak volumes

Ty and Charlie love swim lessons. Joy does not. The End.

The things we do for our health

Since I'm not afraid of heights, (except the heights involving airplanes,) I'm the new filter changer. What was the builder thinking putting it way up there I ask you?????

Off to day 2 of swim lessons. Yesterday we were 2 for 3 on actually swimming. Joy wasn't having it. Wish her teacher luck!

Happy

You know how you feel after a good nights sleep? The way that anything that comes your way seems like an easy task? When you open your eyes in the morning and think, "Man I feel good. I feel rested and ready...before my alarm clock, (aka 3 year-old)

You ever had one of those days?

Well today I did and it was awesome. It's the little things that make me happy. The little things like getting ten straight hours of sleep.

Glory.

We are all doing pretty well this week. There are things to look forward to that are so fun for all of us, even the grandparents. One set gets the week off soon, (bet ten straight hours of sleep is high on their goal list!) and the other set gets us round the clock!!!!!!! Extra !!!!!!!! for them right?

Praying for comfort and peace has made me feel as whole as I suppose is possible right now. I get very sad some days still and usually it's out of nowhere. But I feel happy lots of days too. Between me and you I wondered of I'd feel happy ever again. The weight of this whole thing is so heavy I wasn't sure if simple happiness was possible. Joy, hard fought and dependent on Jesus, yes. True joy and happiness aren't the same thing, you know. Happiness can leave quickly in the face of adversity. It can fade. I know that these days it may come and go like the wind but I'm glad (happy) when I feel it. So yeah, I'm happy. I'm looking at a suitcase filled with swimsuits and pj's. Lots of fun ahead! No, not immediately...I'm kinda known for packing way in advance...but soon.

Thanks for hanging in there with me. Good days, lots and lots of them I hope, are coming.