That's harder for me right now than it's ever been in my life. I've kept it to myself for some time until recently I told Sean about it. Why didn't I mention it before? I don't want to seem fearful. I know what that sounds like..."Mary, you live with the man. He knows you're fearful. Shoot, I don't live with you and I know THAT." Yes but about spiritual things I've tried to act, well...spiritual. Shame on me for letting satan get some good control over me without letting another person in on it so they can pray against what he's been doing. I've worried about this baby's life for months now. I never feared for my other two kids. I never believed that something would happen to take them from us (until after they were born, let's be honest!) I never considered that God might use us to raise a child with needs that might seem defeating or overwhelming. And now, walking into this time in a few days where we will see its body for the first time since it was a teddy graham (what my sonographer calls them in the early days,) I am asking God to remind me of the many promises He has already given me. Living in His presence means that no matter what is learned in our daily lives and circumstances we know we are not alone and that He is in complete control. If I am living in His shadow then nothing will be impossible for me. Nothing will crush me beyond what He can put back together. Nothing will surprise Him so even when things surprise me, there are mighty big steps already taken ahead of me. I'm going to try to remember this every day. What a difference believing this would make in the way I react to my kids and my family! What a blessing it would be to them if I consciously try to avoid being negative and afraid!
The appt. is Jan. 2nd. Sean will be here so he will go with me. That reminds me to ask someone to watch my kids--hadn't remembered to do that yet :) We are curious and excited to find out if it's a boy or girl. We are excited to see what it looks like, if it resembles one of the other kids...if Patsy will show us a 3D/4D picture like she usually does even though we don't pay for the extra package...excited to report to my doctor that my blood sugar isn't high yet and they thought it would be by now, the list goes on.
Today, this is my prayer.
Lord, I have once again forgotten to apply what I know to what I'm feeling. I have been taught how to fight fear and worry and yet have let both make my decisions lately. Since You have consistently been true to who You are, I know that I am safe, my children are Yours, my marriage and my family--we are all in Your care. What in the world am I fearing? That You will turn away? That You will make a mistake? That You are stepping down from the throne to take a sick day? Forgive me for being so small and trying to act so big. Thank You for training Sean in so many ways to lovingly and gently teach me when I am struggling. Thank You for the people in my life who have been given hard news and live lives far more in tune with You than I am in my life. Thank You for answering their prayers to help them, sustain them, and bless them in their situations. If ever there was a time to praise You, it is now. Amen.