Diet Coke with extra lime

By now y'all know that if you don't hear from me it's because one of two things has happened: we got really busy or I've had a really bad stretch of days.

I'm happy to report that it's the first one. But with a few stings thrown in there...

Today I was with Sean's mom and sister and when they offered to get lunch I offered to get drinks from Sonic (we were at a mall...) so I made sure I knew what they wanted.

Me: Do y'all want the usual? Diet coke for you, diet coke with..."
Leslie (sister): Diet Coke with extra lime.
Me: sting
Still me: I haven't ordered that since he died.
Poor Leslie: Do you want me to get it?
Me: No I'm fine it just snuck up on me.
Still poor Leslie: Yeah I get it. I totally get it. Happens to me too.
Me: So diet coke with extra lime it is.
Leslie: Thanks.

And so I walked up to the counter at Sonic in the middle of the mall and took a small step. I ordered a few drinks. It sounds like a tiny detail wrapped up in a fun, somewhat carefree day but it's a first.

There are hundreds of firsts-these bridges-that I've already crossed. First day back at school, at church, at bible study, at t-ball, and at our favorite places to eat. My routine hasn't changed much because of the kids so we came to lots of bridges very quickly. It was like this=tuck myself into bed when things got too sad or cross the bridge. I can pretty much guarantee that without my kids I'd have packed up and moved to Tahiti, (or a similar place I could afford to live.) I'd start writing and painting and maybe making junk to sell for a living. I'd have pushed pause in my heart and just escaped. Started a whole new life. The temptation was there even with the kids to uproot and start over but after looking at them for about three seconds I knew it would be too hard. Not emotionally, physically. I mean I'm worn smooth out every night and I have help. Uprooting isn't exactly conducive to receiving tons of help from family members, you know. ROOTS. It means where you stay put.

You're welcome.

So without the moving to Tahiti (or in my case, probably Galveston,) option I had to stick around. It was an easy, relieving decision to stay here, and every day has brought more comfort than the day before.

My roots are here. I love that I know who my kids will know. The bank teller. And the coach of Ty's t-ball team. Oh and his wife. The girl who will teach the kids how to swim. And the girl who will teach them to swim again next summer (same girl.) I love that in each school they will go to I know at least 3 teachers. And I know they have got my back. They've got my kids' backs. Or is it kid's? I need to ask my sister. Anyway.

I could've moved to Tahiti (Galveston) but I'm so glad that I am here. I'm glad now that I couldn't press the pause button on my heart. I hurt and it stings. I feared how badly it would sting. Now that I've felt it I know I was right to expect it to be brutal. But I didn't expect to be able to feel any joy. Unexpectedly I have felt happy in the middle of something silly, almost always with the kids. They say something funny and I laugh. Like, really laugh. The healing, "this is gonna be okay" kind of laughter.

It's the best medicine, so I've heard. :)

Can I do this?

This weekend I got to spend lots of time thinking. I went away with two of my friends (the kind that have known you since you were so little you don't remember how little you were when you actually met.) The kids stayed home with mom and dad and never missed me. Those were mom's words not mine :)

Off I went into the world without thinking about the responsibilities at home. We ate without interruption(!!!!) and walked around looking in windows. We just hung out. And for the first few hours I felt guilty. Am I allowed to just relax and enjoy a trip like this? Which turned into: Am I allowed to stop living in survival mode? Is it wrong to wish I could knock the pain out just like I knock my punching bag out? Did I tell y'all I have a punching bag now? Well I do and it's awesome. I also have pink boxing gloves. I hit it hard and I hit it often. So when you hear/read about all that God has done to provide healing in my heart know that it is absolutely true-all true healing comes from Him. But I also feel angry. I feel betrayed on the deepest level and I feel true anger. The kind that you feel justified in and left alone can do great damage. Early on after Sean died I talked to my brother about a punching bag and he was all for it so I got one. I knew that feeling angry, (can I just call it mad?) was fine and that it wasn't wrong. I also knew if I didn't talk about it and didn't do something with it I'd be in trouble. Hence the punching bag...

So back to this weekend. I stood outside of a store with cute dresses and shoes and thought, "Can I do this? Can I start living again and planning for the future with my kids? Can I start going places and really trying to enjoy life again?"

I can tell you this: before I could ask my friends some of these questions I knew the answer.

Yes, you can deal with what's coming. You can live again and feel the wind on your face and not be afraid. You can stand on your own two feet by yourself and teach these kids about Me. Because I made you and I love you. I will help you figure it all out. And great news! I already have it all figured out! You just give me your anger, give me your hurt, and even give me your loneliness. I can handle it all. I will give you hope again. It's in Me that you have peace. I will give you what you need and even some of the things that you want. I gave you life and I will keep giving it to you. New life, life where you and the kids will know joy again. You'll know it through Me and you'll tell people about Me. You don't have to feel alone. Ever. I am always with you. So yes, you can do this!

To which I answered, "Okay. That's all I needed to hear."

God really is who He says He is. Healer. Defender. Finisher. Stronghold. Lord. Savior. And He is enough.

Ty's world

His world is baseball. Well, and me sometimes. As long as I'll talk baseball with him he'll include me :)

What's happening

Wow did the kids get a fun gift this week. One that keeps on giving...Thank you Mimi and Pops for the swing set!

The middle pictures are self-explanatory. The last one is my current challenge: figure out which cords I actually need to make Sean's camera work. I've been using it the last few days but I have no idea how to upload the pictures.

I have issues.

But you already know that.

Oh happy day

The weekend was a treat! We went to my sis-in-laws house in Argyle and played with Sean's family for a few days. Feeding animals, riding animals, (Joy) and jumping on the trampoline for hours on end. A fun spring break for sure!

Amy had the Faith sign in her house and I loved it. I started copying it today during nap time...you know how I'm all for copying what I see.

Off to Ty's first tball practice. The excitement is HUGE in my house right now. Y'all can imagine I'm sure! Ty is one happy boy that his season is finally here. I'll take pictures and full you in later on.

Not our average Thursday