Friday, March 30, 2012

Diet Coke with extra lime

By now y'all know that if you don't hear from me it's because one of two things has happened: we got really busy or I've had a really bad stretch of days.

I'm happy to report that it's the first one. But with a few stings thrown in there...

Today I was with Sean's mom and sister and when they offered to get lunch I offered to get drinks from Sonic (we were at a mall...) so I made sure I knew what they wanted.

Me: Do y'all want the usual? Diet coke for you, diet coke with..."
Leslie (sister): Diet Coke with extra lime.
Me: sting
Still me: I haven't ordered that since he died.
Poor Leslie: Do you want me to get it?
Me: No I'm fine it just snuck up on me.
Still poor Leslie: Yeah I get it. I totally get it. Happens to me too.
Me: So diet coke with extra lime it is.
Leslie: Thanks.

And so I walked up to the counter at Sonic in the middle of the mall and took a small step. I ordered a few drinks. It sounds like a tiny detail wrapped up in a fun, somewhat carefree day but it's a first.

There are hundreds of firsts-these bridges-that I've already crossed. First day back at school, at church, at bible study, at t-ball, and at our favorite places to eat. My routine hasn't changed much because of the kids so we came to lots of bridges very quickly. It was like this=tuck myself into bed when things got too sad or cross the bridge. I can pretty much guarantee that without my kids I'd have packed up and moved to Tahiti, (or a similar place I could afford to live.) I'd start writing and painting and maybe making junk to sell for a living. I'd have pushed pause in my heart and just escaped. Started a whole new life. The temptation was there even with the kids to uproot and start over but after looking at them for about three seconds I knew it would be too hard. Not emotionally, physically. I mean I'm worn smooth out every night and I have help. Uprooting isn't exactly conducive to receiving tons of help from family members, you know. ROOTS. It means where you stay put.

You're welcome.

So without the moving to Tahiti (or in my case, probably Galveston,) option I had to stick around. It was an easy, relieving decision to stay here, and every day has brought more comfort than the day before.

My roots are here. I love that I know who my kids will know. The bank teller. And the coach of Ty's t-ball team. Oh and his wife. The girl who will teach the kids how to swim. And the girl who will teach them to swim again next summer (same girl.) I love that in each school they will go to I know at least 3 teachers. And I know they have got my back. They've got my kids' backs. Or is it kid's? I need to ask my sister. Anyway.

I could've moved to Tahiti (Galveston) but I'm so glad that I am here. I'm glad now that I couldn't press the pause button on my heart. I hurt and it stings. I feared how badly it would sting. Now that I've felt it I know I was right to expect it to be brutal. But I didn't expect to be able to feel any joy. Unexpectedly I have felt happy in the middle of something silly, almost always with the kids. They say something funny and I laugh. Like, really laugh. The healing, "this is gonna be okay" kind of laughter.

It's the best medicine, so I've heard. :)

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Can I do this?

This weekend I got to spend lots of time thinking. I went away with two of my friends (the kind that have known you since you were so little you don't remember how little you were when you actually met.) The kids stayed home with mom and dad and never missed me. Those were mom's words not mine :)

Off I went into the world without thinking about the responsibilities at home. We ate without interruption(!!!!) and walked around looking in windows. We just hung out. And for the first few hours I felt guilty. Am I allowed to just relax and enjoy a trip like this? Which turned into: Am I allowed to stop living in survival mode? Is it wrong to wish I could knock the pain out just like I knock my punching bag out? Did I tell y'all I have a punching bag now? Well I do and it's awesome. I also have pink boxing gloves. I hit it hard and I hit it often. So when you hear/read about all that God has done to provide healing in my heart know that it is absolutely true-all true healing comes from Him. But I also feel angry. I feel betrayed on the deepest level and I feel true anger. The kind that you feel justified in and left alone can do great damage. Early on after Sean died I talked to my brother about a punching bag and he was all for it so I got one. I knew that feeling angry, (can I just call it mad?) was fine and that it wasn't wrong. I also knew if I didn't talk about it and didn't do something with it I'd be in trouble. Hence the punching bag...

So back to this weekend. I stood outside of a store with cute dresses and shoes and thought, "Can I do this? Can I start living again and planning for the future with my kids? Can I start going places and really trying to enjoy life again?"

I can tell you this: before I could ask my friends some of these questions I knew the answer.

Yes, you can deal with what's coming. You can live again and feel the wind on your face and not be afraid. You can stand on your own two feet by yourself and teach these kids about Me. Because I made you and I love you. I will help you figure it all out. And great news! I already have it all figured out! You just give me your anger, give me your hurt, and even give me your loneliness. I can handle it all. I will give you hope again. It's in Me that you have peace. I will give you what you need and even some of the things that you want. I gave you life and I will keep giving it to you. New life, life where you and the kids will know joy again. You'll know it through Me and you'll tell people about Me. You don't have to feel alone. Ever. I am always with you. So yes, you can do this!

To which I answered, "Okay. That's all I needed to hear."

God really is who He says He is. Healer. Defender. Finisher. Stronghold. Lord. Savior. And He is enough.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Ty's world

His world is baseball. Well, and me sometimes. As long as I'll talk baseball with him he'll include me :)

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

What's happening

Wow did the kids get a fun gift this week. One that keeps on giving...Thank you Mimi and Pops for the swing set!

The middle pictures are self-explanatory. The last one is my current challenge: figure out which cords I actually need to make Sean's camera work. I've been using it the last few days but I have no idea how to upload the pictures.

I have issues.

But you already know that.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Oh happy day

The weekend was a treat! We went to my sis-in-laws house in Argyle and played with Sean's family for a few days. Feeding animals, riding animals, (Joy) and jumping on the trampoline for hours on end. A fun spring break for sure!

Amy had the Faith sign in her house and I loved it. I started copying it today during nap know how I'm all for copying what I see.

Off to Ty's first tball practice. The excitement is HUGE in my house right now. Y'all can imagine I'm sure! Ty is one happy boy that his season is finally here. I'll take pictures and full you in later on.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Sunday, March 11, 2012

All things new

This picture has always been my mom's favorite of Sean. It is when Ty was little bitty and it was taken at mom's house on the dock. Mom pointed out that I forgot it in my last post. What's funny about it to me is that what we see is a sweet father/son moment. When I showed Sean right after I took it though he laughed and said, "All I was thinking was how cold it was gonna be if I had to jump in there after him of he fell in. I kept a pretty good grip on him because of it. I wasn't really reaching him about life or anything."

Y'all, it's things like this that God gives me now. Things I can tell the kids later, and they help me now. He was always thinking something funny.

Thank you for keeping in touch with me. When it's a particularly bad day God prompts people to come alongside me to help. I'm so thankful I'm not alone. Thursday was hard for lots of reasons. I knew it would be hard. Usually when I know a hard day is coming it's not as hard. Make sense? The out-of-nowhere hard days are intense. But Thursday I anticipated it and there it was: a hard day. The girls had "Donuts with dad" at mdo. My dad and Sean's dad planned to come. The girls were thrilled. Charlie said, "Well Pops and Popeye are coming since Daddy can't come since he lives so far away in Heaven now. Mom are there donuts in Heaven?" That was that. Her thoughts went from Daddy to donuts and mine went from Daddy to despair.

How much easier it would be if he was just here for that day! Immediately after we left the school God reminded me, though, that my kids aren't the only ones who didn't have a daddy there. I'm not the only momma facing the future as a single parent. Everywhere I look there are parents thinking similar thoughts-"am I doing enough to fill the void, will they suffer, how can I do this on my own?" All normal things to think about.

And like I said, I'm not alone. My kids have many cheerleaders. They have family, friends, teachers, neighbors, and even strangers praying for them. And so do I. God has provided unimaginable comfort and peace these last few months. He's held me together and held on tight. I'm gonna get through this with Him. My family and I are so grateful for the support around us. Thanks y'all.

Thursday, March 8, 2012


They were magic together. He had them all in stitches all day long. He could make them laugh like no one else could. He could do the same thing to me. Man he was funny!

Today for no reason I can see or figure out I'm deeply sad. Sometimes I'm sad and mad at the same time but today I'm just sad. He's missing so much. And so are they. My kids had a Daddy that loved them and took care of them.

And now he's gone. So I'm sad.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Go Rangers

Hi y'all. I just spent thirty minutes of nap time finding tickets to Ranger games and I'm still feeling the effects-it's a high pressure situation. I found seats and got everything ready only to get the "sorry, your tickets are released since you passed the three minute mark" twice. Three minutes? I can get a lot done in three minutes but man. Talk about anxiety! Ty was sitting right beside me with his head on my shoulder saying, "Please Mommy can we go to that game? Please? Puleaaasseeee?"

I'm glad that's over and we can go back to low-stress events around here.

Things like hanging all of the pictures that are stacked in hallways, get closets in working order, figuring out what we need at the grocery store, and switch all of my cable/internet services to something cheaper and more conducive to our lives now. I think I just decided I'd rather get back on the website and work on ordering tickets.

It's been a good week. We found out last night that Ty is on the t-ball team that we wanted him to be on. His coach and his family had everything to do with why I wanted that team- I know them and felt like the coach will be a good fit for Ty. The coach's wife and her family have been family friends of ours since birth so it'll be a fun Spring with games and practices to look forward to.

I've kept the windows open the last few days and it helps me relax and just enjoy my house. I love sunshine and the smell of freshly cut grass. Don't we all? :)

I've got big plans to blog more regularly. It's so therapeutic for me to share what's going on and to hear back, "Hey, me too!" I like knowing I'm not crazy y'all. Talk to you soon!

Saturday, March 3, 2012