I didn't realize I'd been in a downswing until I started coming out of it. I mean, of course I realized the date, the first anniversary, the significance of it all. I allowed myself to celebrate that I survived a year of the heaviest burden and pain I've ever known. After the 19th my new year started. December 20th, happy new year. Since I've never been great at New Year resolutions I didn't make any or anything crazy like that. What I did do on the 20th, however was make a kind of a mental list of who I am and who I hope to be by next year.
Me, on paper
Mother
Widow
Daughter (a very grateful one)
Sister (again, very grateful one)
Counselor
Painter
Reader
Writer
Walker/training to be runner (no laughter please)
Wannabe cowgirl or at least horse girl
Country girl who loves living near a city
Wait. Listen to this. Crazy things happened as I made my list.
Satan whispered things about my worth that aren't true. This happens to all of us, doesn't it? He says our worth is based solely on beauty, on what we can offer or what we can do, not on who we are. He's a punk, not withholding schemes to turn us away from God just because we have had a bad season, suffering in some way. As I made my list in my head I caught myself discounting things about me, about my identity. I'd think about the blessings God has given me then Satan would say, "But you've got nothing left to offer here, you're ruined. You're dumped, forgotten." No, no I'm not, I'd say to myself. "Oh but you are, you have more baggage and shame and horror than anyone cares to help you with. You're on your own, deal with it."
Y'all he is wicked and smart, he's no fool. Attacking the weak, the sad, the broken. Offering reasons for everything, offering blame. Suggesting that God, too, has forgotten us.
He has not.
To Him, this is who I am On Paper
Beloved
Protected
Whole
Lovely
Chosen
Redeemed
Cherished
Forgiven
Alive
and
I'm His.