Friday, January 4, 2013

On paper

I didn't realize I'd been in a downswing until I started coming out of it. I mean, of course I realized the date, the first anniversary, the significance of it all. I allowed myself to celebrate that I survived a year of the heaviest burden and pain I've ever known. After the 19th my new year started. December 20th, happy new year. Since I've never been great at New Year resolutions I didn't make any or anything crazy like that. What I did do on the 20th, however was make a kind of a mental list of who I am and who I hope to be by next year.

Me, on paper

Daughter (a very grateful one)
Sister (again, very grateful one)
Walker/training to be runner (no laughter please)
Wannabe cowgirl or at least horse girl
Country girl who loves living near a city

Wait. Listen to this. Crazy things happened as I made my list.

Satan whispered things about my worth that aren't true. This happens to all of us, doesn't it? He says our worth is based solely on beauty, on what we can offer or what we can do, not on who we are. He's a punk, not withholding schemes to turn us away from God just because we have had a bad season, suffering in some way. As I made my list in my head I caught myself discounting things about me, about my identity. I'd think about the blessings God has given me then Satan would say, "But you've got nothing left to offer here, you're ruined. You're dumped, forgotten." No, no I'm not, I'd say to myself. "Oh but you are, you have more baggage and shame and horror than anyone cares to help you with. You're on your own, deal with it."

Y'all he is wicked and smart, he's no fool. Attacking the weak, the sad, the broken. Offering reasons for everything, offering blame. Suggesting that God, too, has forgotten us.

He has not.

To Him, this is who I am On Paper


I'm His.


Love Being A Nonny said...

Oh yes you are! You are His! His beloved. There is NOTHING you can DO or BE that will make Him love you less. He just loves you. Isn't that a wonderful and freeing thought???

The Manuel Family said...

Yes you are! You offer such great perspective!

We Three Smiths + 1 said...

Oh Mary! You are so loved! December 20th is my birthday...and it was so much lighter this year! Last year I was bearing your news and my whole self was broken for you...but He has redeemed you and all of us who love you! This is truly a brand new and beautiful year!

Lindsay Wagner said...

Oh I read this with tears in my eyes....for you, but for me too. Goodness, why oh WHY do we listen to Satan? Why when our God is so big do we even begin to listen? And then we start to believe his lies. And to be really sad sometimes we begin to live like we are chained to those lies. We are all guilty of it, and I know our Lord views us so much more beautiful. Goodness, we've accepted His gift for crying out loud! Thank you for this reminder that we are fearfully and wonderfully made in His image. And that His mercies are new every morning. How desperately I need to be reminded of this, minute after minute.