Tuesday, January 15, 2013


I confided in someone today that the easiest way to describe how I feel right now is comforted by The Lord and people in my corner, but lost. It's a really weird combination of feeling like I can make any decision for me and the kids and being scared to death to do it at the same time. I could move to a new place and start a whole different life, (we all know that ain't happening,) but knowing that I COULD and we would be fine. I visited my oldest friend Friday in Ft Worth and kept thinking how fun it would be to live there. I went from that thought to being so glad that when I got home I knew all of my neighbors and not being able to imagine living anywhere but my hometown. I'm all over the place. My heart is full of joy some days, it's true. Can you believe that? There is joy, y'all. I know you can believe that there's laughter living with my kiddos. Life is moving right along and it's blessing after blessing. But I have so much to think through that I feel lost, sometimes just spinning in circles. So much of what I do is fulfilling my role as a momma, and praise God for that! I'm learning what my role is in the other parts of life and I'm still clueless. I'm like a new kid at school, finding my way. From which class in Sunday school to how I feel about blind dates-to which counselor to take the kids to and what to make for dinner...all in all I'm coming out if survival mode and going, "Uhhhhhhhh...here I am world so what am I supposed to be doing?"

A friend just sent me this verse in a text along with a very touching note:

"The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song." Psalm 28:7

I am blessed. I know the God who gives you joy when it doesn't make a lick of sense. Even when I feel lost I know He's with me and what feels like wandering is carefully planned out. And I think it's okay to feel lost as long as you know you're not by yourself out there. Am I making sense?

Oh who are we kidding.


Judi said...

I am not sure what this says about the both of us, but you make total sense to me!!!

Allison said...

Yes, total sense. God kind of skipped you to the point most people get to after years of trials. Total dependence on The Lord for what stinking shoes to put on, for everything. It's the best thing and the hardest thing. You are not only going to make it, my lady, you are going to be awesome. God is good no matter what. He's got His eyes on you and His hands on your life. You are still in my prayers.

Dr. John and Patty Jenkins said...

God, and God alone - is your/my audience. Thats what I keep telling myself. So, whatever happens or needs to be said - it is walking the steps with Him, and when that's uncomfortable - remember its with Him alone. He's the audience. He's the One watching and caring. Well, (this helps me.)

Emmy said...

Mur, I am so proud of you. You are doing a wonderful job with the kids. They are happy and healthy, growing and loving. We are here for you, and God is here.