Tuesday, May 15, 2012

The good, bad, ugly, and update

The good

I'm nearing the end of my massive paint projects around the house.

So far I like everything I've done.

I only have one Type-A personality living in my house who is bothered by the chaos resulting from my projects.

He is five years old.

There is almost always a Ranger game on at night once the kids are in bed.

We have met with a new counselor a few times and all of us really like her.

She only charges a small fee when you miss an appointment because it never occurred to you that you had counseling on Monday at 3:00.

The bad

In order to finish my biggest painting project to date I'll have to conquer my fear of removing cabinet doors.

I don't know how to remove cabinet doors.

I also don't know how to properly repaint cabinets at all.

Any time I don't know how to do something I ask for help.

My first person to ask for help about something like this isn't here.

And he's not gonna be here.

Suddenly painting cabinets takes on a life of its own.

Suddenly it's a symbol of what I have ahead of me.

Something I want to hand off to someone else but I know only I can do it.

And I'm exhausted.

The ugly

My kids are not trusting me to come home when I leave.

After almost six months I thought this part would be better and it's worse.

I miss him. We all miss him. How do you move through a life you shared with someone and make sense of things when they aren't here anymore?

The update

I'm mad and sad and frustrated and tired and struggling. When I get ready to tackle a project it intensifies all of these things but I can't stop doing projects. When I focus on something in front of me I put my energy into it so that my mind can't wander. As I paint I focus on the good that will come from what I'm doing. The beauty. The change that I can make happen in a matter of minutes. I listen to music sometimes and other times I enjoy the quiet. I always pray. I ask God to show me the good things that He will bring from this mess. I wait for Him to speak. Then I look at what I'm capable of. I don't make perfect things. Far from it. I just help things have a new life. And it feels good to do that since we are kind of doing the same thing now. I love the promises that God has given me for that very thing-a new life. One where I can sit in the midst of the greatest heartache I have ever or hopefully will ever know and feel like I can go on. There is a life here that will pale in comparison to the life lived with Him one day. I can live through a lot more knowing that this isn't all there is. There is so much more to live for, not even just for my kids. There are people living in this same heartache who can't breathe and don't even want to anymore. They feel the same emotions I feel but there is a huge void--hope--that is missing. I'm not sure how I'll manage to tell them all about Jesus but I know that God doesn't need me to figure that out. He will show me.

So, there you have it-the good, bad, ugly, and the update. Thank y'all for praying :)


Carley said...

Love you!

Emmy said...

I can help you with cabinet painting!! And Dad can help with the doors. With help from Graham by phone. Remember Graham & Ana totally replaced their cabinet doors when they moved to Mississippi.

Bonnie said...

Hi,Mary...As I read this, I am so proud of you! You are in the hard part of the hardest thing ever...and you are remaining faithful and hopeful and honest...glorifying God...

I am praying for you often...and your kids and their fears...not that you don't already know, but it just takes time (dang-it!)--for me, I wanted to just push through and get to the other side, but I know it doesn't work that way. It gets better--like SO much better--but it's never "over" or "done" to never be seen again...(dang-it!) ;)

It was good to see you and give you a real hug at M2M a few weeks ago. Someone once told me this was not the "sorority" that anyone would ever want to be inducted into....but here we are and in it there's so much love and support. If there is ANYTHING--if I knew anything about painting cabinets, I'd drive right down--I can do, please let me know.

In a way, being able to support others going through this pain somehow helps make what I've gone through easier to understand (??)...and I too feel that God will someday use my life/experiences (mistakes an all!!) to help others...so I relate to you there.

Anyway, just keep pressing on. You're doing sooo good!

We Three Smiths + 1 said...

Gosh...I feel like I never know what to say. I want to tell you that it will get better, but that's easy for me to say. I'm not sitting where you are. I feel guilty. I feel guilty that my husband comes home and helps me with my kids. I feel guilty that he can go to a baseball game with my kids. I want everything to be better for you...I want God to reveal HIS plan for you and for your kids...its much greater than this. Its huge and its out there. I am always in awe of your faith and hope and love. You are such a special, special person and I am absolutely honored to call you my friend.

Allison Jenkins Armstrong said...

I have the same nagging to repaint everything in my home. Mostly because I don't like to spend money on furniture. I have been rolling around the idea of painting my cabinets for a year. Gabe is the most unhandy human. Maybe we can have some kind of painting challenge that will give us a kickstart.
On other notes, you are awesome and I'm sorry you have to carry this great void in your life that only hope in Jesus can fill. But you do, and you can do it and I know in my heart of hearts life will get better. God's going to do it in a way only He can, and I am anxious to see His good work in you. Love you so much and pray for you.