I've been visiting V in California for a few days. He's been here for 5 weeks working and to say that has been hard is an understatement.
It has been HARD. For pretty clear and obvious reasons I have fears of abandonment. Logic doesn't play into it...it's not like he moved here permanently or that something happened to him. It still wreaks havoc on my heart though. Why, Lord? Will I ever get to a place without any fear?
I tried to leave yesterday and as we backed away from the terminal I realized I hadn't taken my anxiety meds early enough. They had not kicked in. If you're new here, I'm a pretty clean cut gal but I take Xanax to fly. Every time. If I don't lots of crying and hyperventilating happens which is scary not only for me but for people around me trying to settle into their seats to enjoy a flight.
One time I was so tormented before takeoff (pre-meds) I stood up and begged someone to give me a window seat. Begged, while ugly crying. See, the window seat helps. Logical?? Nope. I just know that it does help. On this flight my seat was on the back row in the middle and just as I'd talked myself into it being ok the captain announced that no one would be allowed out of their seats during the 4 hour flight because we would fly in between thunderstorms the entire way and turbulence would be bad. Actually, he said, "Really bad."
This kind of announcement doesn't sit well with me.
So I started crying. My palms started sweating, my heart started racing. I came unglued. I asked the people in the window seats on my row to trade. They said no. I asked the people right in front of me. They said no.
I can't blame them really y'all. I mean put yourself in their shoes. Crazy girl on aisle 44.
PS this was before Sean died. The anxiety was bad way back when.
I got desperate for a window seat because I could tell I'd start hyperventilating soon. I stood up and started offering money to trade seats.
Oh yes, yes I did.
So I asked again. This time I said, "I'm scared to death of flying and I will do anything to trade seats. Please." I was beyond ugly crying at this point.
I met my hero in that moment. A flight attendant waved me forward and said, "A man up here will trade with you." I moved as fast as I could toward her and kept walking, walking, kept walking, walking. When I saw the man in the aisle I hugged him and said thank you so much and this is what he said:
"Darling, I have a daughter about your age and I'd hope that someone would do this for her. I fly all the time and I don't care where I sit. I had my headphones in and couldn't hear you at first or I'd have switched sooner. God bless you."
Then he stepped aside and I moved into his seat. In first class. Row 3, seat A. Window seat in first class. He gave up a meal, (which I sent back to him in my scary seat and he sent back to me,) a nice comfy seat and a peaceful nap--to help me. The Heavens had opened up I tell you.
I'd never been in first class before and I promised God right then and there I'd never try to fly again if He just got me through that flight.
He did. Shocker.
About a week later I went to my dr and told him I could never fly again without help. He prescribed Xanax, enough pills for the number of flights I planned to take in the future, which was like 3. God love him.
So anyway, I realized yesterday that I didn't feel calm AT ALL yet and I asked V to pray for me and I begged God to calm me down. I kid you not a minute later the captain came on and said that the weather at DFW was so bad they'd shut it down. We would be delayed at least an hour before taking off.
You think it's a coincidence?
I do feel bad for the people on the plane with me but as for me, I was elated. Seriously. Elated. I had to hide my smile from the other angry passengers whose plans were getting shifted around. I was just beside myself with joy!
One hour delay turned into a 3 hour one which turned into a cancelled flight with no hotel vouchers and rescheduled flights for today. I'm in! V found me a hotel at the airport and I slept all night and woke up late. Bliss. I leave in a few hours and believe me I will say yes to drugs a little earlier this time.
God is near even about little things. I still struggle with some big things, yes. I do. There I said it. I'm always thinking V is about to decide I'm too much, that my story and my kids and my life, it's too much. Somehow he still wants to date me. I can't figure it out! He's showing me grace and patience. And God is showing me that trusting Him is worth it. It's scary sometimes because I try to put my trust in people or (gasp!) in myself. But it only works with Him.
Gotta run. Longest post ever. Sorry y'all.