Wednesday, February 26, 2014

It's gonna be okay

It was a perfect day with the kids. Well, a perfect day following a rough patch.

Those dang rough patches.

They're still frequent, even when nothing big or visible happens. I'm kinda used to telling myself that it's gonna be okay. Starting when the alarm goes off at 5:49 (??) am until I actually get up, (a hair later,) I go through a mental list of why it'a gonna be okay:

A new day
Can I sleep more
I love sleep
What is today
Two to three lunches/folders/sets of shoes
Got it
Who am I
I'm starving(every.single.morning)
Was it all a nightmare
Ok no
No it happened
It's gonna be ok
I'm still here
That's good
Ok the kids are all here
At least they were at bedtime (I kid. Like any parent it's rare for me to sleep all night without checking on somebody.)

Ok back to my list. Sorry. Dang ADD.

The dog is here, thankfully sleeping and not chewing on something he's not supposed to
We have a cozy place to live
We have food downstairs
Dear Lord let there be watermelon in the fridge
And milk
Both of these things are for Joy, and she's gonna ask for both immediately upon waking
I DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY but it's been this way for about a year
Which one should I wake first
depends on who actually fell asleep first
That's the best kid to wake Definitely Joy
99%of the time she's first
Ok then Charlie because, well, she always wakes up happy and cuddly and we all need someone like that in our corner
Then Ty since he's a morning person unless the stars are not aligned and then you just never know
By the time I get to him I've had at least part of my breakfast so I've got a good fighting chance.

Before I know it the mental list is overtaken by the actual real-life list and the morning starts.

It's gonna be okay.

My pep talk. It's second nature, such a habit. Most people have a running list from when they first wake I think. Or maybe I'm a crazy nut and if so y'all need to speak up. Does your list resemble mine? Do you immediately start your day in prayer because I so wish I could retrain myself to! I'm trying to set my list aside to do just my lists, my anxieties in Him from the get-go. It just usually doesn't work. I know that if I can release all of the day's plans and challenges to Him first thing that my morning would go much more smoothly. I'm just telling y'all the truth-it doesn't happen most of the time. I prep myself mentally and THEN realign myself spiritually. What's the secret to switching them? I'm all ears. See, I know the truth. I know the difference it makes.

A little info about me, (like the years of oversharing here leave anything to be discovered,) I don't JUST LOVE being alone. There, my secret is out. I have always preferred being with people but especially so the last two years. I go to movies alone. I can go out to eat alone. I love to shop alone and even go on walks alone. That's about it. When the battle starts to rage, I do better when I have someone to talk to. It can even be a kid-but preferably um...not. I like a perspective-check, someone who can talk back, and agree with me that yeah, this one could be a doozy, but hey,
It's gonna be okay.

My point is that I make a conscious effort to be okay. I've trained myself to be okay. I had no choice but to figure out how to be okay. So I'm okay. I'm strong, I'm good with change, I adapt fairly easily. And I'm a glass half-full type. I've had to be. Had to be okay. Being a momma means I've got to make it okay not just for myself but for their sake too.

It's just got to be okay.

The last perfect day, (when I took the picture,) was last Sunday. It was perfect indeed. On days when I feel most alive and ready for whatever lies ahead, I'm overcome with gratefulness. I live moment to moment, constantly seeing the day with my kids as a gift. I move slower but with more purpose. And I smile a lot more as a result of pure joy, not happiness. The days like this are almost too-good-to-be-true.

Except they aren't.

Those days are those few and far between ones when I wasn't able to talk myself into being okay. They usually follow a night full of tears and praying for relief. In short, (you're welcome,) I'm not okay at all those mornings. The loneliness and dread hits immediately when I wake up. Those days, like I said, are few and far between. They're desperate days, when I could no more talk myself into being okay than I could talk Joy into being excited about going to school. NEVER HAPPENS. I'm out of tears, reason, logic, and will to do it all so I just say, "You there? I need You. You're the only One who sees me right now, the only One who knows how sad I was last night. Please lift me up today and help me find You right now, because I don't care to even face today. My kids need me though, so staying here not being okay isn't an option. Will You take over?"

So it begins, one of the perfect days. Joy-filled, not always happiness-filled. He starts my day with a "Yes I'm here. I've got you," and it carries over into every aspect of my life. Things don't fall into place magically and weird stuff that only happens to me still happens. I just know I'm not alone from the get-go...or a few minutes after. It makes all the difference in our family. When I'm hopeful the kids are too. When I'm looking for blessings around me the kids notice that I'm happier. Then they are happier too. Then they don't whine quite as much which, CAN I GET AN AMEN, is just a game-changer.


Not sure what y'all may take from reading this post but I think it all points to this: I'm gonna be okay. And maybe, hopefully better than okay. If sometimes only two years out I can feel such joy that I don't feel guilty smiling and laughing because its coming from the most genuine and joyful place, I can only imagine what lies ahead. Perfect days are ahead of me I'm sure. Teary nights, yes, but then perfect days spent watching and showing them how far God can take us if we hang onto Him. From desperation and mayhem to calm and purposeful. From dwelling on death and the defeat it threatens to life and hope.

Yep, it's gonna be okay.


ConnieMomaLightner said...

Mary, you have been and will remain in my thoughts and prayers. Love to you and your precious family.


Allison Jenkins Armstrong said...

YeeeeeeeeeeSSSSS! You can do this! I'm so thankful that you are indeed a glass half full kind of person. This is what makes the world go round and this is what Jesus is. Glass half full. Believes in the the goodness of this life, that there is a great purpose, and I know that there is. You have a great purpose, Mary, and I can see it coming. I do wish you lived here.

RaisingTowers said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Love you, and love your words, Mary! (ps. the comment above was mine, but I was logged into the wrong account!) ;-)