Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Unwrapping Legos

Tonight I helped Ty unpack his Lego sets from the old house. They've sat in boxes in storage because there wasn't enough room for them to stay (safely) for the last 9 months in our apartment.

We're spreading out now, filling up our new house slowly but surely. It's been so fun, so exhausting, and so exhilarating all at once. We had a great night exploring the new hood and playing on the playground where the kids will go to school this Fall.

Back to the Legos...

We unwrapped this set--it is pieces of an airplane and an airport. It was once put together perfectly but a few months before we moved I remember him tearing it apart. He'd had a bad day that day and he went into his room after school and I heard him throwing Lego pieces into his big bin of leftover pieces. I'm pretty sure I yelled for him to come downstairs to try to figure out what was going on but I got distracted and we never talked about it. Until tonight when I pulled the biggest piece out of its wrapper, (bubble wrap carefully put around it by Trish,) and he burst into tears.

"I hate Legos," he said.
"Huh? Honey we've been having fun opening these back up and looking at them! What do you mean you hate Legos?"

"I mean I hate that I'm remembering when I destroyed this one I remember the reason I got so mad the day I did it."


"Because it's an airplane and my daddy flew airplanes and he died. If he could fly airplanes and he was smart and still didn't go get help when he knew he was sick it just makes me so mad! And I was mad the day I broke this set because I don't know why he had to die if he could fly an airplane."

He was sobbing by this point and so was I. I hate this. I hate nights like this that come out of the blue and wreck the whole day. I hate that my son has pain and confusion in his little 8 year-old heart that I can't fix. And I'll go ahead and say it--I didn't sign up for this. I didn't walk into a life with his daddy expecting to have to face what I now face. It's too hard. Too much. Good Lord if it's too hard for me how in the world will they ever survive this?

I don't have a good positive thing to say tonight. I usually do but I just can't find it in me tonight. I hate this. The counselor in me knows this is helpful for Ty, to finally get those words out. The momma in me wants to make every sadness go away for him. The girl in me wants to punch Sean in the stomach as hard as I can for leaving such a mess behind. I don't have an answer for Ty. I've said that only God understands and that's the truth. I hope that it's enough for Ty to cling to.

Lord help me. Hear me. Show me how to do this. I feel like there are mountains ahead of me that I can't possibly climb. I'm out of answers today but please give me what I need to face tomorrow. I have been this sad before and seen You and Your heart more clearly because of it. I have hope that You can meet me here and I don't have to have an answer on my own because You'll show me.


Mary Jane said...

I'm praying that God will show you and Ty what you need, and for peace. He loves you dearly.
I'm sorry this is so hard. Love you all.

Unknown said...

My heart is pounding hard. I wish I had the right words to ease your hurt. God does. You know that. You are precious in His sight and in mine. You are always in my prayers.


Anonymous said...

I don't know if you remember me but I have followed your journey since you spoke in November 2011? To Stonebriar moms2mom group. This was right before Sean died. I am friends with Ginger Clemons. I introduced myself to you. Oh Mary, my heart goes out to you everyday. Some of the feelings your little Ty have and you have are so close to home. See, little did I know meeting you was going to be important in my journey to come. My Dad at 59, passed away in November 2012 to a heart attack. It was unexpected but not completely out of the question. (Maybe more details later). I am caught between Ty and your emotions even though my Dad's death was not suicide it felt like he choose this death path for years by not going to the heart specialist by not changing his lifestyle., etc. My "Legos" are different every month. The objects that remind me of Dad push me to anger and at the same time trying to cling on tight to not lose him. It is heart wrenching. And as you say, I didn't sign up for this. It has been a hard road with my mom because she lost her parents right before Dad and I don't have any siblings. Our whole world shattered.

A month after my Dad died a good friend with three small kids like you, lost her husband to cancer. I told her about your blog years ago as your journey has been similar.

I have lost family members and very close friends to suicide. It is never easy even after 20 plus years. I feel God knew we were strong women of faith and could handle the grief. Sometimes I want to scream you picked the wrong person for this journey! Though I know God knows me better than I know myself.

Mary, I encourage you to remember the good times and remind your children of the good memories before their Dad's death. They need to know about him. I feel at 35 I was shorted my time with my own Dad, their is no doubt you all feel that even more so.

Someday, on the other side of glory, your family will be together again
Much adoration,

Becky Richardson

Allison Jenkins Armstrong said...

I'm just seeing this post. Gosh God is doing a work in you. All this pain. I'm so sorry for days like this. I'm so sorry. The Lord is making you strong. You are going to get through this. All of this.