Sunday, April 22, 2012


Security is something we long for. Emotional security, not anything anyone can give us. The kids are showing signs of insecurity, and what I thought would be healed or "fixed" by now is becoming more and more out of control. Their fears are warranted, are they not? When they cry and ask me not to go, (no matter where I'm going,) because they're afraid I won't come back they have good reason to think I won't. He didn't. And he was dependable. To them he meant safety and strength. He meant those things to me too. A hug, an arm of protection, a blanket of warmth, even a prayer by the bedside. He did it all. And now what are we left with? Hard question.

So here I am again, friends, asking for you to pray for me and for my family. We are left with insecurity. The opposite of secure. The very stomping ground of satan. I'm in the fight of our lives. I feel like I have to train and prepare constantly for the next challenge. It seems like I'm wasting time if I let my mind rest. Much like a boot camp--which I went to last week at my church and I'm still having trouble walking as a result of just FYI--I'm reading, praying, begging God to show me what's coming next. Help me prepare and dodge the hurdles. I'm falling prey to the lie that I have to prepare so I won't be surprised again. After all, can't I prepare and think through the situation in most areas of my life? And at this stage as a parent I can pretty much decide what we do as a family. But this, I couldn't have prepared for. I didn't see it coming and I couldn't stop it.

I was powerless to protect my children from their deepest fear-abandonment. I've got to be honest with myself that it's felt like abandonment to me too. I knew great stability as a child so this time it's from a wife's perspective. The protector, the man who fought hard to win my heart and protect it, chose to leave. The man who I built a life with. The one who knew my faults and my weaknesses and loved me through my (up until this,) darkest days. Gone.

So what do I cling to?

I have to cling to the Father who loves me. Who loves my babies and who will fight for them. The One who gives me hope and Truth-the only real Truth. The Almighty God who knows my heart better than Sean did. I have to cling to Him now. To me, there's no safer choice.

This isn't a sermon. It's my real life. The good, bad, and very ugly. You hear about it. You probably don't want to hear as much about the ugly, and I don't blame you. If you know me in real life you know I'm an over-sharer, a phrase that a boy I used to babysit said all the time. I'll tell you more than you'd like to know. It's kind of my job. Or my gift or whatever.

You are welcome.

So here it is, y'all. I'm fighting. I'm tired and bruised and longing for a pinch hitter. I can try to replace the void with lots of things or I can replace it with thoughts, prayers, and hope in God. If I choose anything but Him it'll never work. He wants me. And right now, it is nice to feel like I'm pursued. Man am I ever pursued by Him! You are too. The feeling that there's something bigger, more for your life? That's Him. The gut feeling that you should give up the thing or person you keep trying to contain? That's Him. He wants it. And a bit of unwarranted over-sharing:

He ain't going away.

Do it your way and I wish you luck. Do it His way and let Him open the floodgates of Heaven. Want to know peace that passes understanding? Trust Him. Want to feel loved? Trust Him. Choose Him.

It's real. Take my word for it.


We Three Smiths + 1 said...

Love you Mary...Matt asked about you yesterday. I told him the truth...that I hadn't checked on you in awhile. I think of you always though and I'm not going anywhere! Always here if you need me!

Lindsay Wagner said...

Oh Mary...I fought back tears reading this post. You are continually on my heart. I think of you often. Please know you have others going before His throne on your behalf. Love you!

Carrie Rogers said...

I'll take your over sharing any day. God is showing Himself mighty in you, my friend! Being real is the only believable way to share Truth and I love hearing it from you! Praying for you right now!!

Mary said...

Thank you girls. Very encouraging :)

julieruth said...

Mary, I am in the trenches with you... and my heart is aching for you. Girl, Jesus has a tight grip on you. He is the only One thing in this life that is secure, and I pray you would not only know this in your head, but that it would be realized in your heart. He is mighty enough, strong enough, compassionate enough, wise enough, loving enough to persevere you through this life. I pray the Holy Spirit will consume you, bring you joy when it is more than difficult to muster it on your own. And, I pray that you will realize, too, that the only true security for your precious children is Jesus, too. What a beautiful lesson for them at such a young age - that Jesus is ENOUGH. Singing Matt Redman's 10,000 reasons over you today. My heart, julie pleasant manning