Wednesday, July 25, 2012

the current battle

The meeting with the new counselor went well. Ty liked the office and I can tell he liked the counselor too. Relieved!

Y'all know how I tend to overdo things from time to time. Like getting two cats on a whim even though I've never been around cats and wasn't sure if I even liked cats. Turns out they are a hundred times easier to tend to than my anxiety-ridden dog. Moving on...

Since Ty has had a rough week we went to Guitar Center today up by where we used to live. He used to go there with Sean all the time and that store actually helped get him potty trained. I mean it was part of the rewards system. Whatever doesn't matter. So we went there and he loved it. He told me that he wants to be Neil Pert when he grows up and he wants a drum set for Christmas. Oh and an electric guitar. Santa, I hope you're listening.

I think that the combination of struggling early this week and then going somewhere with so many memories was too much. He remembers going there with his daddy then going to eat at Spring Creek after their marathon drum sessions. He wants to go back everyday but he says going there makes him sad too.

I typed a text last night to a friend and what I wrote still rings true today...

"It feels like satan has backed off until this week. I've grown in confidence that our lives will be joyful again and that we can really live again without fear. Then Ty has that intense fear that we are all going to leave him and his world is crashing down again. If it takes everything I've got resolve-wise I will fight this fight day after day until we are home in Heaven. I'm tired of it and I want to punch Sean right in the eye. No both eyes. (I will get a good workout later with my punching bag) But satan convinced Sean that we are better off without him. I'm not losing my son too."

It's a battle to convince us that God can't possibly be all-knowing and still allow terrible things to take place. It's a battle of good and evil-and the evil is as old as time. No new tricks-evil uses fear and shame and anxiety to wreck us. To tempt us to look away from the God who made us and knows us. It's a battle much greater than my situation. As tired as I am of fighting through this I have a God who never tires or sleeps. He doesn't miss things and He sure doesn't stumble around hoping things will turn out alright.

He wins in the end.

We've just gotta hold on until then and keep on truckin. And in my case, keep on fighting.

Thanks for praying for Ty and for me.


clairebear said...

I am sorry about your current struggles. You sound so strong ad determined, keep that up.

Bonnie said...

After reading this, I will be more specific in my prayers for y'all...I have been and will continue to lift you up in prayer...

(Psalm 46)