Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Back in the saddle

Hi y'all. Words have been just out of reach until now. As much as writing helps me, it's been very hard to think of a way to put how I feel into words. Mainly because even as a counselor I'm feeling combinations of emotions I've never heard of. Some days I want to just post a picture of the kids jumping on the trampoline. So that's what I'll do. Other days you'll get an earful. (or technically, an eyeful)

I have a point. I'm saying hi. And I'm saying thank you.

God is still here. He is working everything I've felt and experienced for His glory. I don't know what that means. He doesn't tell me audibly what happens next. But He shows me love through people. He shows me joy through my kids. I know that people are praying for the specifics in my life right now, day by day. I don't ignore your texts or emails telling me that you are praying. I read them. I cry and cry in thankfulness. I feel stronger because I know you're really praying. He hasn't rescued me from this heartache but He hasn't left me without hope either. It's a path that I didn't see coming and one I would have never chosen. But it's what He has for me. And because I have three little kids who need me, I don't have the choice to take this path or a different one. I've got my hope, my only hope, wrapped firmly around who He is. And I'm surviving. The kids are too.

Ah the kids. They are doing well. Everybody started school today (Ty in PPCD, same program as the past few years,) and the girls are in MDO. Aside from the occasional, (regular,) tense moment getting them ready for school in the morning, today went really well. Ty loved his new school and his teacher seems just perfect for him. We all miss his old teacher terribly, especially now. More than once I've thought about kidnapping her and bringing her here to teach him. I'm not sure how that would fit into God's plan but I'm thinking it's not a totally closed door. Or maybe it is since she laughed- even snorted-at the thought when I mentioned it to her before we left. She's a city girl, she said. Her family would never speak to her again if she uprooted them and brought them to the sticks. Oh well. Maybe one day.

This brings me to my other point: I am so glad we are here, in the town that holds so many memories for me. What a sweet history to share with my kids. True joy radiates from so many here, and everyone has gone out of their way to try to help. It's a community like no other. I love being here and looking toward the future here. The future-It's not gonna look at all like what I thought it would. It has been a rough, almost unbearable start. But like I said, God is with me and He's gonna be here every step of the way.

I love you all. Please keep praying for my family. We aren't to the, "Oh no, no prayers needed...we are good!" phase yet. It's not easy at all but we have God's peace to look forward to. That's enough for now to sustain us.

And now it's past my bedtime. Good night y'all.



10 comments:

Jenny Seymore said...

I loved every bit of these beautiful, heart-felt words of yours. I have no trouble understanding how even in your current position you continue to be an inspiration to many - me for sure! Prayers won't cease in this house until you are ready - quite possibly not even then. I was happy to hear from Jon that you got some fresh air in this weekend too! You may not have seen much of me but I promise you that we are here!

Missy said...

I have always been impressed by your strength Mary. I know it's a gift from God to help you through these next few years. I can promise you that I won't stop prayin for you and your little guys anytime in the near future. As I have thought many times in the past, I wish we lived closer.

Carley said...

I love you friend! You know my words to you and my heart towards you and your kids so I am going to keep those between us. You know I am proud of you and pray for you every minute of every day! We feel your loss too!

Jen Bowers said...

First time commenting, just had to tell you that I am praying for you. So thankful you can still see how great our God is. He is sovereign and he works "all things for the good of those that love him and have been called according to his purpose" (Rom 8:28). I lost my stepdad on September 12th in a very tragic accident. I am 28 and have walked through this dark place with my mom and sister. I can tell you that God is nearer to you now than ever before and blessings will come. I don't know the details of your situation, but I do know that it's never going to make complete sense. It's a blessing to know that when everything else is up in the air, God is the same God that spoke the earth into existence. He is unchanging and unfailing and knows the number of hairs on your head. Sorry for preaching, but I had these words spoken to me after our loss and they blessed me. Praying, praying, praying!

Nori-Lyn Alford said...

You have the gift of words and inspiration Mary. You are a gift to us all. We will not stop praying sweet friend. Love you!

Linzy said...

Mary, I wish I was with Ty, you and the girls now. I miss all of you terribly. I pray many times a day for y'all. I am so happy he liked his new school and teacher. It's not the same at school without seeing him every day but I know this is where you need to be. Love you lots and give him a hug from me.

We Three Smiths + 1 said...

Oh my...you are quite possibly the strongest person I know. You bring comfort to all of us through your words...you make me feel a little more normal...especially on those days when I feel totally abnormal. I am so thankful for you, your honesty and I am always here for you! Love and prayers always.

Michelle said...

Mary, you have not left my thoughts, and I am so glad to hear there is some hope in your heart. You are such an inspiration, and I will continue to pray for you and those precious little ones.

So glad everyone is enjoying school and that you managed to get them all ready by that early start time. ;o)

Mommarazzi said...

So glad to see you posting again...I know how writing can be and I love reading your very real, very honest words!

stevenandapril said...

Oh sweet friend; love you dearly. Am so thankful for the presence of the King and His nearness to you! I know He is carrying you each step of the day. Thank you for allowing us to journey beside you in the sorrow just as we have in the days of joy in the past. You are inspiring, encouraging, and such a testimony - not just the "survived" days but yes the ugly days too. You are a testimony in it all. Constant prayers for strength as you press on. I love you! April