The latest battle

Some battles I can see coming. Others are a surprise. My latest surprise came at the end of January in the form of a pain in my upper abdomen. I showed my lifelong friend, (and RN,) Maggie where it hurt and she suggested going to have my gallbladder checked. I did and the surgeon scheduled a sonogram for the following week so he could see what we were dealing with. The sonogram was painless and the lady doing it was really pleasant and time passed quickly. Nothing alarming, nothing different from past sonograms except she wasn't checking on a baby. (Whew)

The next day my doctor called to say my gallbladder was fine but there was a pretty big tumor attached to my liver. He suspected it was a heptacellular adenoma, a benign liver tumor that is fairly common. Well. Let's stop there and all agree that I'm not normal and stuff that goes on around here isn't common. I laughed and told the doctor I'm glad I'm not crazy and that something was weird in my stomach. He scheduled a CTA and MRI for that week and I prepped for surgery. Surgery was February 1st and most of the details are foggy thanks to the miracle of drugs.

One detail is clear as can be. My surgeon came into the room and said we needed to talk. The tumor, (I'd show a picture of it but don't want to gross anybody out,) tested positive for melanoma. He went on to say lots of other things but that's pretty much all any of us heard.

That day I decided that I wasn't going to read about what it all meant or let myself "go there," to that place that nobody chooses to go. I nearly caved at one point to read about it until my new oncologist came in the next day. Everything shifted when I met him. He is very positive, very hopeful and likely smarter than everybody I know. (No offense.) He told me the game plan and it's already in motion. Immunotherapy is what I'm doing to give my immune system a big boost to fight melanoma. It is different from chemo or radiation, fewer side effects and there is lots of really good data about treating melanoma and increasing life span. My outlook is hopeful. I've had a brain MRI and PET scan and both were clear.

I'm still processing everything and for the most part have felt very peaceful. Yesterday I told mom that if everybody could hear my doctor talk about my treatment nobody would worry too much about me. So I'm asking you to pray with me, absolutely! I've been so busy working on my house and getting the kids settled that I've been MIA...but writing and staying in touch this way has always been therapeutic so I think it'll be a natural part of this process. It may be a fight but I believe that it's one I can win. Plus I believe that even though I wonder what in the world God is thinking in the midst of this that He is aware and sees me. That is where any of my true peace comes from.

I'm sitting in the room having my first treatment right now and I feel totally normal. There are people all around me that are receiving treatments in bright bags labeled CHEMO and my bag is clear. I'm thankful.

Unwrapping Legos

Tonight I helped Ty unpack his Lego sets from the old house. They've sat in boxes in storage because there wasn't enough room for them to stay (safely) for the last 9 months in our apartment.

We're spreading out now, filling up our new house slowly but surely. It's been so fun, so exhausting, and so exhilarating all at once. We had a great night exploring the new hood and playing on the playground where the kids will go to school this Fall.

Back to the Legos...


We unwrapped this set--it is pieces of an airplane and an airport. It was once put together perfectly but a few months before we moved I remember him tearing it apart. He'd had a bad day that day and he went into his room after school and I heard him throwing Lego pieces into his big bin of leftover pieces. I'm pretty sure I yelled for him to come downstairs to try to figure out what was going on but I got distracted and we never talked about it. Until tonight when I pulled the biggest piece out of its wrapper, (bubble wrap carefully put around it by Trish,) and he burst into tears.

"I hate Legos," he said.
"Huh? Honey we've been having fun opening these back up and looking at them! What do you mean you hate Legos?"

"I mean I hate that I'm remembering when I destroyed this one I remember the reason I got so mad the day I did it."

"Why?"

"Because it's an airplane and my daddy flew airplanes and he died. If he could fly airplanes and he was smart and still didn't go get help when he knew he was sick it just makes me so mad! And I was mad the day I broke this set because I don't know why he had to die if he could fly an airplane."

He was sobbing by this point and so was I. I hate this. I hate nights like this that come out of the blue and wreck the whole day. I hate that my son has pain and confusion in his little 8 year-old heart that I can't fix. And I'll go ahead and say it--I didn't sign up for this. I didn't walk into a life with his daddy expecting to have to face what I now face. It's too hard. Too much. Good Lord if it's too hard for me how in the world will they ever survive this?

I don't have a good positive thing to say tonight. I usually do but I just can't find it in me tonight. I hate this. The counselor in me knows this is helpful for Ty, to finally get those words out. The momma in me wants to make every sadness go away for him. The girl in me wants to punch Sean in the stomach as hard as I can for leaving such a mess behind. I don't have an answer for Ty. I've said that only God understands and that's the truth. I hope that it's enough for Ty to cling to.

Lord help me. Hear me. Show me how to do this. I feel like there are mountains ahead of me that I can't possibly climb. I'm out of answers today but please give me what I need to face tomorrow. I have been this sad before and seen You and Your heart more clearly because of it. I have hope that You can meet me here and I don't have to have an answer on my own because You'll show me.

Here's looking at you, 36

My birthday was Saturday. Since my family was together it was a great day even though it rained most of the day.

36, what will you have in store? Here are some ideas.

My newest passion is furniture. Not just painting, redoing it completely. I'm learning how to build too!


This was an unfinished wood dresser from IKEA that I kept in the girls' closet. Now that it's fancy it'll be in my room, at least for a while.


The coffee table that has been 1,000 colors


Mom's happy place=all of her kids together again


It's gonna be a great year 😊

That was fast

December to March, that was fast. To get back in the groove of writing consistently ice got to give up on the illusion that I'll ever catch up. So...


I took this two nights ago at my parents house. I know, right. Wow.


Graham and his family are here so we've stuffed 3 weeks of fun into 4 days. Giddy up.

Spring break was last week...and rather than flooding you with pictures too soon, (pacing myself since I've got 3 months worth to show you,) I'll leave it at this.



Oh yes we did. I'm still tired.

December

If you'll permit me to just jump right in and start fresh that would be great y'all. It's been so long...

First, Charlie just turned 7 Saturday. She hasn't had her party yet so she said she doesn't feel older yet, (typical Charlie,) but we had a fun weekend doing things to help celebrate her. She's just so easy to love, that girl. 

I sold a ton of stuff at my first ever go-round at junk in the trunk, a sale in my hometown that happy every few months. I got rid of so much stuff and it was my first time to sell anything I've painted or made. I had a blast. This picture was taken that morning but to clarify: I didn't sell any of my children. After a week off from school, though, I may have thought about it. Ahhh routine I've missed you. Who ever thought you'd hear me say that? 

Today was a beautiful warm day here so it was perfect to try an outdoor shooting range. We came. We saw. We tore it up. Such a fun thing to do with somebody you don't mind acting and looking like an idiot around...I may have loaded the magazine for the gun I was using, (one of my dads .22 pistols,) with the bullets facing the wrong way and then when it didn't work I insisted the gun was messed up. It was Mary. It was indeed. 

A fun weekend to end a fun Thanksgiving break. I'm happy to be back here, where I can tell funny stories and I don't have to worry about being better or more on top of things than I am. December, it's good to be here. 

First day of school

Not a tear was shed. They all walked into the same building for the first time on the first day of school and I was so glad there were no tears.




They were excited and I think only Ty was a little nervous. Joy got all of her tears out during meet the teacher night I guess. I gotta be honest I was worried about her doing a repeat performance this morning but nothing but smiles!



"Mom you can go now I'm gonna color."



Bless her heart this was my only picture of her first day of first grade.




Here he is...big man on campus compared to his sisters. He was nervous but assured me he wasn't. He got in the car after school and said he loves second grade because they do science in second grade and he's awesome at it. Well that's a relief.

I had a wonderful day on my own and didn't get sad about them going to school. I think that one of the blessings of coming back from a dark place like where I've been is that things don't hinge on events like they used to. Will I cry during this school year about the kids being there? Probably. Will I miss them? Yes. Will I have anxiety about their safety there and as issues creep up will I worry? I'm sure I will. But today, I just enjoyed the fact that they were happy to go into school together. For the first time in almost 8 years I was able to decide what I wanted and needed to do without factoring in another person. For like a lot of hours.

The last 2 1/2 years the weight I carry has been very heavy. Even though life has gone on and we have great joy and fun, the weight has been there, resting solely on my shoulders. I've answered so many questions, thought through so many responses about why their dad isn't here anymore. It still gets too heavy sometimes, there I said it. I don't tell everybody or cry necessarily on bad days anymore because, well, it is what it is. Messy, hard, confusing, raw. It's not easy. It's really good and really worth it, this job I have, but it's not easy.

I've thought a lot about why my main emotion today was gratitude. Relief even. Yikes. We aren't supposed to say that out loud, huh. Well, I've come up with something. Maybe today marked the beginning of me being able to rest a few hours each day from carrying that weight. Maybe I felt relief because I didn't have to hold it together for anybody for those hours today. Maybe I could relax and take a deep breath by myself and see what I wanted to do...then go do it. Call it selfish, maybe it is. I loved it though. I was so refreshed after today that I was genuinely excited to see the kids at pick-up. I played more with them tonight than I have in weeks. I felt lighter, like I could take care of me today and that helped me take better care of them. Am I making any sense?

Tonight when I said goodnight to the kids I kept thinking, "Lord thank You that we made it this far, this long without Sean. I wasn't sure I'd ever see this day and I wasn't sure I'd feel whole again enough to engage with the kids and do life. You never left me or made me feel like I carried the weight of this thing alone. Just keep these kids in Your hands Lord. Keep me there too."

I'm going to bed full of peace tonight. It was a great first day.

ROAR

The circus goes the the circus

Being still is hard

Being still is hard. For anybody who has known me a while you know I like to be out of the house on the go, and with as many friends as possible. I love having fun plans to look forward to. I love the thought of moving, starting fresh, meeting new people all the time. I'm a believer that there's only one life and we might as well make it an exciting one. I've looked forward to moving and starting a brand new life with the kids for about a year now. 

Yet here I am. Forced to wait. After praying and trying and figuring and begging God to make things happen, here I am. How can this be happening again? It took a year and a half to sell the old house and move here. Lots and lots of showings. Same story, different house. I feel like I'm being punk'd. 

Except I know this time a lot better than the last time that God is in control. I had never known the pointlessness of my own strength/knowledge regarding the prediction of God's will when trying to sell the last house. Now I know that I can lay out my plans and do my part and that's about it really. My plans aren't what matter. His are. So here I sit. Again. Lord help me I hope not for another year and a  half but maybe this is where He needs me to stay. The waiting room, as some call it. Waiting for His direction and a clear picture of where to go next. 

I've surrendered my timing for sure-I'd have been halfway to Heaven by now if the house had already sold. I'd have finished my initial plans for the move and possibly already been ready to move again. That's the thing...the restlessness is what He's working on. Shoot, I guess He really knows my heart. When it hurts I want to run. To retreat, to turn and run. 

Sitting and waiting isn't what I want. It isn't what I've asked for. 

Lord, I did not sign up for this. 

(How many times have you thought that?) We all have! Waiting and being still, Lord, it's just so slow. I wanted fast, I wanted easy. Not any more of this slow stuff. Healing. Restoration. Ugh...peace. 

That was supposed to be funny. 

Will you pray for my willingness to meet this waiting period with an open heart? And forgive me for the absence. Now you understand where I've been :) 

The one where I make a plan to move to Colorado

I feel like we're still coming off the high we were on last week in Colorado. I feel so at home there which really makes no sense. I feel secure there and I feel safe. Emmy went with us this year and was a huge help of course, not only with the kids but also just with processing what I was feeling during the long drive to and from there. I told her I crave the safety of the mountains-the stability, the concrete boundaries that God so beautifully put together there. You can stay outside all day and never get tired of looking around it's so beautiful. Ugh worth mentioning is that you don't sweat very much even in July. I write that as I picture myself earlier painting outside in the garage wiping my forehead 2400 times because I was (literally) melting. Texas, I love you but REALLY. The two things that are deal breakers for me I live with here: thunderstorms and extreme heat. Ahhhh someday I'll live at the foot of one of those mountains and laugh about the days I'm living now. I'll be laughing wearing a coat in July too, you better believe it!

New books to read, new schedules to make, new plans unfolding. I love this time of summer where you're not ready for it all to start again but you're not wishing for 3 more months of summer either. Gotta run. Y'all be good. 

Here there everywhere

Pretty much sums it up...we made it! Two trips down, lots of summer to go. It's been a whirlwind, (as usual,) and God is certainly teaching me some hard lessons...but He's with me, I'm sure of it. I'm happy to be where I am, which is something I haven't said, (or thought!) in a very long time. Hope can do that for you :) 

More pictures coming. Pinky swear.

Colorado

We made it! I'm as excited as they are but there was nobody available to take my picture. 

When moms and daughters shop together...

Sometimes this happens at baby showers.

Florida

We loved it. It was exactly what I needed after a tiring few months. Trying to move, trying to make sense of events that took place over the last few months, you name the rug and it was pulled out from under us. A family vacation right at the end of school? Yep, sign us up!


He may have loved it most out of all of us.

So so grateful that Sean's family invites us and gives the kids such fun memories with their cousins. All of my kids loved the waves and the sand this year which made the trip a lot less chaotic than the last few years...I went on long walks this year while they played happily with people within our group and when I got back I didn't find someone in tears yelling, "THERE'S SAND IN MY EYE WHEN CAN WE GO HOME MOM?"

Not even once! I hit the jackpot this year I tell you. It's just so much easier than it used to be. I say that a hundred times a day now I bet. Life overall, it's just much more calm now than it has been for us the last two years. There have been surprises, heartaches, sure, but we are secure now. We know that God has a plan and we trust it, even when it seems mysterious. Somebody remind me of this when I start to panic in a few weeks over something silly okay? Great, thanks. Y'all are the best.

What I see

(Plus one selfie with my niece Emily)

Because He IS greater

Watching the kids play on the beach tonight I finally took in a deep breath-after driving here and dealing with the details that go along with a road trip...well I just overlook a lot of other things. Things like prepping myself for another Father's Day.

It is a decision I make each holiday now-do I do what's easier for me and distract them so the day goes by quicker and painlessly...or do I tell them and allow the floodgates of questions and memories to come in? Before I could decide today Joy yelled from the back seat, "Hey Mom I heard a lady in the hotel say today was Father's Day! What are we going to do for daddy in heaven? Should we throw him a party or send a present?"

So this year we talked about Father's Day, how we all wish he was still here to be celebrated. How we all wish they didn't have to know about heaven the way they do-how they long for it-and how I wish they had a dad to love them through all of this. It got to me tonight, even though we had fun and no one knew the weight of what I was feeling as I watched them play.

How am I going to make this okay, Lord? How can I do this job without him? Do you see me, us, praying for guidance? Are You there? Are You listening? Do you see me so overwhelmed with longing for a shoulder to lean on right now? Do You even hear me?

I looked at Ty and realized I was missing some beautiful moments having my pity party so I took some pictures of him. I looked at his shirt. Yep, He is greater.









Than this. Even this. He is greater. Ok. Ok I get it Lord. You are my Father. You are theirs. I am forever indebted to You because You love me so well, so thoroughly, like a daddy does.

My heart simply overflows remembering that tonight.

What I've been up to

DIY projects, my very favorite thing to do!


An ombré headboard in the making...

"After" pics soon...

I've been feeling great thanks to a new discovery--Plexus. A Facebook friend kept mentioning it so I researched it a bit and tried it and have never felt better thanks to the blood sugar regulating properties. I wish I'd had this stuff all along! I liked it so much I started selling it so that I got it cheaper and now the business side of it is crazy fun and busy. I've had a blast helping people kick sugar habits and I've...y'all won't believe this...I've stopped drinking diet dr pepper.

Moment of silence.

I know, I know. You don't believe me! Every once in a while I drink one to see if I really don't "need" them and I barely even like the taste. As my friend Gretta says, "Mary likes water now that outta speak volumes about Plexus!" It's so true.




If you see me in real life you probably see more of this now.

The biggest thing I've been doing is cleaning out, moving out, and reorganizing my house so it will sell. It's time. Past time. I'm so excited to start over!


Friends came over for two weeks straight to help me stage the house and I have never liked it more...but I still want to sell it.


Downsizing, new start, the whole thing is just plain thrilling to me.

Oh look what else we've been doing...


Miss Joy graduated from Pre-K...


Complete with diploma and all!


She was so proud.


So was I.

The next week Charlie graduated from Kindergarten...and yep this is my circus in their element.


Ty hanging in there even though he was ready to leave, Charlie trying to convince him to hug her, and Joy being Joy.

Life is crazy. I'm really gonna try to blog about it al more often. I've missed y'all terribly. This is my outlet, and not writing leaves me too full of emotions! Ha. Be back soon :)

Danger stranger

Last week while in a pretty safe place with my kids Ty asked me if he could go in the men's bathroom even though it was a big place. He knows I'm fine with him going on his own for the most part since he's not a baby anymore but he also knows to ask in case there's a family one or I'm just dead-set against him going without an adult. I'm a little worried sometimes but I've learned to trust my instincts. Plus we have a code word he can yell and I will come running. Men, consider yourselves warned. 

Well, this particular night Joy needed to go at the same time as Ty, (shocker,) so I told him to come to the women's bathroom right after he washed his hands to find me. A few minutes later he walked in--it was actually more of a saunter--smiling. I asked him what he was so happy about, because, well, it's Ty. This was his response.

"Momma I told that man who tried to talk to me that I was NOT gonna talk to him because I'm not supposed to talk to strangers anyway but really not supposed to in the men's bathroom and FOR SURE NOT HIM SINCE HE LOOKED KINDA SCARY!"

His smile could not have been any bigger. Mission accomplished buddy. Now since we may know the poor man that he just labeled a scary predator I said a quick prayer that he find humor in the situation and move on. I mean if he was just trying to have an innocent conversation with my son he came to the wrong place. Ha! 

Too tired for a title

The week started with a bang. Monday morning on the way to school this one said she didn't feel so good. A few hours later she was so sick she fell asleep on my lap which hasn't happened since...I'm thinking since she was 2. High fever, nauseous, the whole shebang. Strep. Lovely.

As we drove home I wondered how long the other two would be safe, so when I heard my phone ringing and saw that it was the school I knew. I knew the way you just KNOW. Another one bites the dust. Sho'nuff Ty had gotten sick during lunch. 

Let me stop for a sec and just say that there are people who don't mind vomit. They just move on and clean it up and carry on with life. I'm not one of those people. And yet, my kids, all of them actually, vomit when they have strep. And they get strep kinda often.  I'm blessed indeed. 

This one has stayed well, thank goodness. He's my favorite.

Look at him. I mean y'all. LOVE.

Tis the season for swinging and swimming, dance recital prep and of course snow cones. In other words, it's my happy season. I love Spring. Minus thunderstorms. No thanks on those. I hear there are people who love to sleep during them. I'm not one of those people either and I now know that Blue isn't a fan either. At least I've had company watching the weather in the middle of the night. 

Bright side, there's always a bright side. 

Ann said what I was thinking

I've had this picture on my phone the last few days and keep re-reading it. So true and honest. Loss and death are gut-wrenching. Both are around me again, it's just not me dealing with them. It's people I love. I pray I can remind them of His faithfulness during their stormy season. 

We did it. I'm not gonna say "never again," but I hope it's true. Friday was a success but my mind was elsewhere. 

My heart is burdened for two people close to me. It's not my place or right to tell details but it's just burdened and heavy. Lord have mercy. If there's anything I've learned these last few years it's that life is short, and we may never have tomorrow with our children, our parents, our spouse, our friends. Only God knows how long we live here and unless we want to go through life numb, we will know pain. Once we love somebody it's gonna hurt when we lose them. It's gonna hurt when people we love lose people THEY love. It's tempting to try to make myself numb again, but God says there's nothing to fear. Joy will come in the morning.