Wednesday, October 17, 2012


I bought this magnet last Summer. It sits on my fridge and I see it maybe 400 times a day, (as many times as I retrieve cups, snacks, treats.) Does anybody else want to ditch real plates and cups and use disposable stuff full-time? Wouldn't that be a game changer! I'm fine washing dishes. Really I am. Putting them back where they go is a bit of a challenge. Stuff never fits where it's supposed to. This is not even what I meant to talk about. Sorry.

Okay so rainbows. Thunderstorms. Magnets. Back on track.

I saw Amy yesterday and she looks like herself, sounds like herself, and cracks jokes like herself. God is healing her--slowly---slower than any of us would prefer. She's getting better though. I cannot imagine the frustration she feels going from a very fit strong athlete to a fatigued patient. I told her yesterday that if anyone can beat the odds and improve quicker, go home faster than they expect, it's her. I believe that The Lord is doing things through her situation to bring good and emotional healing to her and to the rest of Sean's family. Will you pray for something specific with me? She told me yesterday that what they give her to sleep is causing her to dream a lot. (I know a lot about crazy dreams...different post...sorry) She dreams that Sean is there with her in her room laughing and making fun of her, (totally what would be happening--I mean he was her older brother and as much as he loved her he'd have never missed the opportunity to poke fun at how she's feeling,) She teared up telling me that every day she lives through the process all over again realizing that he's gone and isn't coming back. It's like her grief is frozen because she can't stop dreaming. She has not told anybody about the dreams and I told her that from now on people would pray specifically for her dreams to be peaceful and that if he's in her dreams it would be healing, not a reminder of losing him. Bless her heart. If y'all wake up and pray will you pray for Amy? Thanks. I used to have the same dream as her but thankfully don't anymore. Now if I dream about him it's more of a conversation about the kids, what they've learned or done, and he always says, "I know! I saw it!" It's happy and light-hearted, kind of a catch-up with him and its peaceful. It's as if I am permitted inside Heaven for a little bit sometimes. What a gift resulting from prayers of people who support me and our family that I never wake up in torment anymore! God is so good. I want this so badly for Amy, his sister who misses him so terribly too.

Rainbows offer hope-and like I told an old friend this week who asked how I was doing, hope is great medicine. Yes, there will be more storms in my life. I'm not big on comparing things we go through, y'all know that. Your hurt and my hurt-its all just pain. Doesn't matter what brings it or what causes it. It's what you do with it that matters. How I use it to retreat, withdraw or blame. How I use it as an excuse to cut people off and go it alone. Or hopefully how I trust Him with it. Only then is there a chance at healing, moving through it, learning from it, and keeping your heart open.

A long time ago a client told me she was done exposing her heart to people. She had been hurt by the person closest to her and no one believed her. People accused her of making it up for attention. She came to me as a last resort at trusting someone. Every week she'd talk about how mad she was and how betrayed she felt. Then one day she sat in front of me and asked why I didn't endorse what she was doing. Why wasn't I giving her the go-ahead to write everybody off. I told her I knew she was just hurt and afraid. "I'm not afraid," she said. "Yeah you are." "No I'm mad! I'm not treated fairly! How can you not see that?" She was about to leave. Mad mad mad. I told her that retreating, cutting off, putting up walls, it's all just fear. Fear of being hurt, of never recovering from it. I reminded her that the truth always comes out if you pray for it to. In God's time, it always comes out. If you're falsely accused or getting away with lying, it always comes out. So she sat there, thinking and then crying. She didn't talk for a long time. Then, "I know that it happened. I will try to trust that God will keep me safe. Is that really all it takes?"

That's where it starts. Then, as childish as it sounds, you count the rainbows. The promises, the Truths. You cling to them during the storms. When hope is lost you find it again in Scripture. You realize and embrace that you were made for a reason. You are loved and provided for by a loving Father who will give you what you need, against all reason this world will give you. Safety. Rest. A place to belong.

Lord I am grateful for Your protection of my heart. Only You are able to give me the peace that I have and the hope for more rainbows in the future.

1 comment:

We Three Smiths + 1 said...

Praying that specific prayer. You'll think I'm crazy..but wait you already know that so its o.k....Sean is there. When you have those dreams, when Amy has those dreams...he is with you. May you find comfort in knowing that he still wants to be in your lives...making you laugh and listening to your needs.

May God bring you and all of Sean's family everlasting peace. Peace in knowing His love and Sean's forever love.